There's a few things in here that are a little different than the traditional essay. Please be critical and helpful when replying, I want honest feedback. Let me know if I sound too complainy, if the picture is too much, or if there's anything else that should be taken out.
THE WRITING PROMPT:
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A personal statement provides detail beyond the grades and numbers on your transcript. We encourage you to include a piece of writing on the subject of your choice so that we can know you better. If you have any special circumstances that you would like the admissions committee to consider, please include this information as well. If you would like to upload your personal statement please attach a Microsoft Word or Adobe PDF document for us to read. Please limit your personal statement to one typed page.
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From the looks of my application it may be easy to judge me as unmotivated, unwilling to learn, and without drive to better myself. Everyone has a point in their life where they feel like giving up, they're lost, or they don't know what to do anymore. It debilitates them from continuing a healthy and productive lifestyle, and distracts them from things that are ultimately important in order to have a happy and fulfilling life. I've had the unfortunate experience to go through some tough times after high school, a crucial and important time in anyone's life that determines who they'll become as an adult.
At 15 I created and managed a website that generated upwards of $200,000 over 3 years. This website generated content for MySpace profiles (back when people used it). After those 3 years, the website, like most things in technology, became obsolete and the income generated was not enough to maintain it, so I shut it down. Much of the revenue from the website was spent on overseas development, hiring freelance and contract workers (for more intense programming), as well as paying for servers to maintain the website. After all the expenses were paid off, the profit I made was petty in comparison. After buying my first car, I put my remaining assets into savings.
During my senior year of high school, my parents started a lengthy and brutal divorce. Coming from a family of 9, having my siblings around made the divorce transition go easier. My father, who was legally 51% part owner of my online website (it was a registered LLC), borrowed my remaining profits in order to pay for divorce lawyer fees and other new expenses he had to endure from him moving out of our home. This left me with no profit from the website, and no way of realistically affording to attend a university. I was not properly explained, informed, or educated about other ways to pay for college, and instead of searching for this information, I just gave up. The ruins of my entrepreneurial adventure did however leave me with something else. A year later, I started receiving notices from the IRS claiming that I owed over $60,000 in taxes. The state of Virginia also started collections on me as well. What I hadn't realized was that during the time of my business success, no taxes were filed. Since I was only 15 when I started the business, my dad told me he would handle the taxes and bank accounts, while I handled the website, content, and contract laborers. He never did file these taxes, and I found out only once I turned 18 that this was never finished.
Since I was without money, and the brief success of the website went to dust, I was left with this tax debt over my head with no way to figure it out. Every person or tax filing service I turned to for help wanted money in return, so, I realized this was something I needed. I searched long and hard for ways to pay for a tax consulting team, and after some time working my way through delivering pizzas, I did it. I filed my taxes properly (both a major complication and a headache), and was able to settle my debt.
During the time between high school and writing this application, as mentioned briefly above, I worked as a delivery driver. I worked with adults who were 5, 10, and even 20+ years older than I. Most had no education beyond high school; some didn't even finish high school with a diploma, while many relied entirely on the income that was generated from delivering pizzas. I see them every day, gloomy and apathetic, dragging themselves through each passing day, without drive or curiosity. I believe somewhere along the way some of them lost themselves, and they're stuck now in a very deep rut. I've spent some of my most youthful years doing rudimentary work. Though this job is often exciting and interesting with meeting new and interesting people, it is not fulfilling. I'm not willing to accept a future like this, I can't. I ask that you look at my past semester at TNCC and see that I have the drive, motivation, and capacity to learn and succeed at Radford University.
- Paul
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The attached file is more accurate since it's the one I will be sending in. It contains a picture, which is the biggest thing that I'm not sure I should include or leave out but I think it may make my application a little more unique and human.
All responses welcome.
This is a good essay. I feel that I've learned something about you, which is more or less the main objective of personal statements. Only two things bothered me: the opening and the concluding sentences.
From the looks of my application it may be easy to judge me as unmotivated, unwilling to learn, and without drive to better myself.
I wouldn't start the essay on a self-depreciating tone.
I ask that you look at my past semester at TNCC and see that I have the drive, motivation, and capacity to learn and succeed at Radford University.
You can end this in a better manner. Talk about how it was your drive, motivation, etc. that got you through the tough times, and that those same qualities will get through Radford.
I worked with adults who were 5, 10, and even 20+ years older than I .
...shouldn't it be "me?"
Good luck!
