Hi, I'm writing a letter of intent to try and get into SVA. I just want to get feedback on where it is now and if you could help me with an ending. :]
Prompt:
In 500 words or less, discuss your reasons for pursuing undergraduate study in the visual arts. Feel free to include any information about yourself, your goals and interests that may not be immediately apparent from the review of your transcripts or portfolio.
Langston Hughes once said "An artist must be free to choose what he does certainly, but he must never be afraid to do what he might choose." From my perspective, being an artist is one of the scariest jobs out there. It is filled with uncertainties, doubts, and hesitation. But that's why it is so special, art can be used to tear down barriers, unite people and express emotions that are felt deep down inside.
As a child, I always had a one sided rivalry with my cousin, but no matter what, he would always be better than me. One day, he showed my mom a drawing of Trunks from Dragon Ball Z. In my mind that was the last straw and I decided that I would dedicate myself to art. Then, my eyes were opened to the beauty of art. Even though I was neophyte, I began creating new worlds that I wanted to go to, and I was able to share that message with others.
But somewhere along the line, my passion for art died. I became a shell, just walking along a blind path with no color, from class to class, day after day. It was bad, so bad that one day I woke up a junior in high school with a 1.9 GPA, and a one way ticket to live with my father. I've never been more thankful for that. While living with my father I met a woman named Mrs. Akers, and she single-handedly brought my love of art back to life. She believed that I could make something beautiful and inspired me to pursue a career in art. Since then I've spent every waking moment practicing my craft and studying to become better than I am now, trying to make a name for myself and not live in anyones shadow anymore.
Near the end of the school year she mentioned I should apply to schools under the NASAD flag, and I spent days staring at all the different schools. But none of them quite grabbed me like SVA. I picked SVA first and foremost because of it's location. From Jack Kirby to Jean-Michael Basquiat, New York City has always inspired artists. I aim to intake some of that inspiration and grow from it. Furthermore, SVA also has a program dedicated towards animation. I've always felt that animation was never given the proper credit it deserved, and I've always wanted to spread the worlds that I made as a child. I feel as if SVA would be a perfect fit for me and help me grow as an artist.
-As a child, I always (had a sibling rivalry with my cousin), - DELETE AS "SIBLING RIVALRY IS FOR SIBLING MEANING YOUR SISTERS OR BROTHERS - REPLACE WITH, "argument with my cousins") but no matter what, he would always be better than me.
- (But- DELETE) One day, he showed my mom a drawing of Trunks from Dragon Ball Z.
- I began creating new worlds,(WORLD) that I wanted to go to, and I was able to share that message with other people.
- But somewhere along the line, my passion for art died. I became a shell, just walking along a bland (BLIND) path with no color,
- (Ever - DELETE) since then my family, friends, and everyone else have been pushing me to become the best I can possibly be.
- (Since then - DELETE AS YOU USE THIS ON THE FIRST SENTENCE ALREADY) I've spent every waking moment practicing my craft and studying to become better than I am now, trying to make a name for myself and not live in anyones shadow anymore.
- I was also estatic(ECSTATIC) to learn that you have a program dedicated towards 2D animation.
Hi, your letter sounds very promising and though it needs more polish, site your strength and what you can contribute to the art world that should help your application. Proof Read your letter before you submit, best of Luck!!!
Let's not refer to 'being an artist' as a job. If it's a job, then there is some job title so you would say something more specific.. it sounds wrong (to me) to call it a job, just as it would sound wrong to say being a musician is a job. It seems to *reduce* art when you call it a job. But you could say it's one of the scariest 'paths' out there. I like your use of the word 'scariest', very cool...
It is filled with uncertainties, doubts, and hesitation. --- Is artistry filled with these things? Or is artistry completely free of them? Maybe you, or other artists are filled with these things. You could say: Artists are often filled with...
had a sibling rivalry with my cousin --- not good to say 'sibling', since it's your cousin.
Hey, you only used a sentence or two to answer the question they asked in the prompt. I think you should come up with a clear, straightforward sentence to answer their question about why you want to do this program... and put that sentence in the first paragraph so that throughout their reading of your essay they will know where you're coming from.
But somewhere along the line, my passion for art died.--- I like this sentence a lot! This one catches the attention. As you continue to work on this essay, consider possibly moving this sentence to the top, so the essay starts with:
But s Somewhere along the line, my passion for art died.
That would be an intriguing way to start the essay! And then continue the first paragraph by telling the reader why you want to enter this program.
Good luck!! You write well.
1) What are you referring to when you state that your cousin is better than you? Does the rivalry relate to art? You have to describe this initially so that the reader isn't confused since you proceed to discuss art in the next sentence.
2) You could also say you were a novice rather than neophyte if you choose.
3) I think you maybe referring to walking along a blind path or walking aimlessly with no purpose, because it seems like you had a routine but you didn't enjoy it.
4) The reader may not understand what you mean by one ticket. Do you mean one way ticket?
5) Another way to say what Mrs. Akers did for you is, "renewed my passion for art". You don't have to change what you said, but this could mean that it was already there but she helped you to see that you were an artist.
6) Change "anyones shadow anymore" to anyone's shadow anymore.
7) I would change "Knowing when you are in Manhattan to, "When I learned that the school's location was in Manhattan, I was immediately enthralled because..."
8) My suggestion is to add details regarding how the university will help continue to nurture your passion for art. What other courses seem to interest you? Do they have internships at companies you are interested in working with? What is unique about their program? Also, I would explain what you are going to do differently to improve your GPA so admissions can see you are a serious student. You want to have a balance between pursuing your passion and meeting requirements at this university.
Be confident and you will do well. Nice Essay!
