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Selflessness - I hope I would make my papa proud. Common Application


dam22 1 / -  
Jul 12, 2015   #1
#5 Common App: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

The road curved one way and then another through the endless forest of pine trees, resembling my future journey of high school. My mother and I were on our way to school, when everything changed as quickly as if a light switch was flicked off, and all around was darkness. I felt a feeling of deep hopelessness as my mother told me the news of my papa's sudden passing. All I wanted to do was to have the chance to hug him one last time and tell him that I loved him, however that was also taken from me. In that moment, I felt like curling up into a little ball and never moving. However, I knew I had to be strong, if not for me than for my family. As I look back, that is the day that marked my transition from childhood to adulthood.

My grandfather has always inspired me to help others. He continuously put others before himself, no matter whether they were deserving of it or not. From his work in the military to starting a local homeless feed program, he instilled in me from early on the power of helping others. His loving nature and big heart are remembered by all who knew him.

Knowing that I would not get the chance to thank him for all he has given me, I made a vow that gloomy day to continue to live through his act of selflessness. As the days went on, I saw myself mature into a young woman who I hoped would make him proud. My passion for helping others only grew stronger through these past couple years, as its made its way into every part of my life. I stopped taking things for granted and reminded myself of all the things I needed to be thankful for, because there are others who have far less.

As I envisage my plans to study biology and go into the field of medicine, my grandfather's actions constantly run through my mind. His desire to help others is a trait that I will continue to put into my daily life and bring into my new community.
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Jul 13, 2015   #2
Your essay is very eloquent! Thank you for sharing something so personal.

As I look back...

I think that your intro should nor merely recite the question, as your thesis sentence. You should introduce the ideas of your body paragraphs: your grandfathers contribution, your emulation of him.

As I envisage...

CORRECTED: As I envision...

Correct use of verbs is important. Conjugate correctly, for a stronger paper!

Your conclusion is good, and wraps up all the ideas from the body paragraphs. Your vocabulary is very good.

All in all a good start, with some needed attention to form and verb conjugations. Introduce all the body ideas in the intro thesis statement. If you do this your essay will be in a better position for classic formand content.

ef _carol
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 16, 2015   #3
- ..if not for me thanat least for my family.
- ..it doesn'tno matter whether they were
- As I envisageenvisioned my plans to...

Dam, I know wherever your papa is he is so proud of you, you have grown into a loving and caring person and that alone will make him very proud of you.

On your essay, I made a few remarks, I believe you want to add big words into our essay like, "envisage", which is good, however, you don't want your readers to be flipping on the dictionary in order to understand that part of the article, as much as it hurts, it would be good to stick to the words that will keep your readers read through the entire essay and understand the message of it.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Jul 16, 2015   #4
Hello, I can help assist you some. I'm sure you will be able to use all of the suggestions to make your paper better.

First, I think you should state, "grandpa or papa's". This will help to clarify that it was your grandpa. In the second paragraph, I would delete, "no matter". The next sentence needs some work. You would benefit from using a transition word. Here is an example of a correction to that sentence: "For example, his work in the militaryand local homeless feeding program helped to instill in me the power to help others." This is a simple way to describe that your grandpa had an influence on you. I have highlighted words in bold to show that when you are writing, it is helpful to connect ideas with transitions and words such as "and" to connect ideas. You could have also used commas too.

In the next paragraph, I think you should change act to "acts of selflessness".


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