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Obstacles... College application essay - critique before I send in. All amounts of critisim welcome


ashleight9214 1 / -  
Sep 3, 2015   #1
Prompt: Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, and the skills and resources you used to resolve it. Did it change you? If so, how?

Throughout life, there are more than a few obstacles that must be overcome in order to further one's self. Whether these conflicting issues may be internal or external, mental or physical, each and every person deals with a specific dilemma with an intimacy that only they can understand. We are all individuals, widely different from the next, thus we each react and solve our problems in a variety of intricate ways. How we implement what we have discovered through misfortune determines our resilience in the future.

Being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in the eleventh grade was the upmost important revelation I had. It was like the steam had cleared and I could finally see who I really was in my bathroom mirror. I was no longer introverted, as society had labeled me. I was not shy nor was I anti-social, an excuse to explain my habits. I was facing something that was tangible, that I could fix and not be burdened by. Because social anxiety is a burden. For those who have this disorder understand the utter fear that would rip through me with something as simple as answering a question aloud in class. How painful my heart would beat in my chest, pounding against my rib age, as I stood to present a project. My palms would sweat and ears ring, loud and insistent. Social anxiety is like an aching wound; it is persistent and it festers. It is like the shadows under the bed and in the closet. I feared company like a child does a drooling beast in a story book.

Understanding this disorder ignited my own intellectual curiosity and I was able to apply what I knew into my own independent studies. When confronted by other classmates and teachers, they used to immediately assume that my distant nature and hesitance to communicate was due to a laziness to participate in class. But as I began to unearth such a diverse topic, I learned that gaining rapport with people was not as scary as first seemed. I learned about social patterns and cues. I learned the complexity of social dynamics and the reasons behind why we, as a community, react the way we do. There was something undeniably fascinating about the way people communicated with one another, through verbal or physical communication. I began to gain a renewed sense of concern over my grades and schoolwork, choosing to participate instead of standing on the sidelines like I had done before.

Albert Schweitzer, a famous Germanic theologian and philosopher, once said a quote that best summarizes the outcome of overcoming hardships, he said "One who gains strength by overcoming obstacles possesses the only strength which can overcome adversity." It speaks in depth of which conflict can prepare and shape any one individual and prepare them for the future. Overcoming social anxiety allowed me to strive to be something more than what I had become. I was able to look at what I was dealing with from an outside perspective and improve upon that gradually, taking each step cautiously and getting right back up every time my footing would slip beneath me. On this journey I was able to discover my passion, what I truly want to do for the rest of my life. Overcoming anxiety made me improve in a lot of ways but most of all, I have become resilient. I am ready to truly begin my future.

Word count: 573
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Sep 4, 2015   #2
I think you did a wonderful job with this topic! However, you need to introduce your main idea in the first paragraph.

being diagnosed with anxiety disorder...

This should be introduced in the introductory paragraph.

ignited my own intellectual curiosity...

These two sentences should be combined and inserted in the first paragraph. Your scattered with the idea, and you need to focus it.

Otherwise, your vocabulary is good, as is your spelling and punctuation.

I hope you take my suggestion, as it will make your essay more classic in its use of the intro paragraph. This is a key part of the essay as you make your first impression!

ef_carol
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 4, 2015   #3
- ...that one must be overcome in order to further one's self.
- ...dilemma with an intimacyin depth meaning that only they can understand.

- ...was the upmostutmost important revelation I had.
- I was facing something that was tangible,something that I could fix..
- ...and not be burdened bytroubled about .
- BecauseFor social anxiety is a burden.
- ...pounding against my rib c age,

Overall, I found a few grammar corrections and I did so, I hope you follow thru in this essay.
Not to mention, you need to gather your ideas, draft it then go on writing it. I hope my help means to you.


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