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The Beauty of Equality, my religious pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia (Personal Statement for UW)


rahman786 1 / -  
Dec 1, 2015   #1
My chest beats rapidly, as I near the sound of thundering chants. Any moment now, I will witness tens of thousands of people, from different parts of the world. All wearing the exact same clothes; all reciting the same prayer; and all walking in a counterclockwise direction. Two summers ago, I travel with my family from rainy Washington to the desert of Mecca in Saudi Arabia to perform Umrah, the religious pilgrimage. My experience in Mecca is a defining moment in my life, because the communal gathering of diverse people gives me a sense of spiritual enrichment and changes my perception about culture.

As I walk anxiously into the Grand Mosque's open courtyard, the blistering sun rays, from the almost unbearable desert heat, blur my vision. In just a couple hundred yards, I will get my first physical glimpse at the Kaaba, the sacred cuboid building. Before entering the mosque, I donned the ihram, the universal pilgrimage clothing consisting of two white sheets of cloth. I secure one sheet around my waist using a belt and drape the other on my torso. Now in ihram, I am obligated to practice self-discipline. My Umrah will be nullified if I do not maintain composure when my little brother argues with me. The simplistic ihram serves to increase the sanctity of my pilgrimage by creating a pure state of mind and body.

Suddenly, the structure I pray towards emerges like a light at the end of a dark cave. Observing the majestic Kaaba with my own eyes is a humbling experience, especially after hearing countless stories from my grandparents and always beholding a portrait of it on my prayer rug. With a black cloak inscribed with holy Arabic text in golden calligraphy, the Kabaa is more magnificent and larger than I anticipated. I witness the remarkable site of people reciting, in unison, a prayer of submission while doing tawaf: the act of circumambulating the Kaaba, seven times, in a counterclockwise direction. Sons are helping their elderly parents walk on the lustrous, white marble floors, while children are crying tears of joy. Surrounded by pilgrims in the ihram, I realize the homogeneous dress symbolizes equality among all people, regardless of race, materialistic wealth, or social standing. I ponder about the possibility of a king praying next to a peasant, in ihram, without the world knowing.

Prior to this trip, I naively held the notion that followers of the Islamic faith are exclusively from counties in the Middle East and South Asia. My preconceived belief is immediately refuted upon observing the vast multicultural population gathered indiscriminately in solidarity for worship. To my astonishment, there are Muslims of Caucasian descent walking alongside villagers from Pakistan. I recall reading the work of Malcom X, the famous civil rights activist. After his pilgrimage, Malcom wrote "there were tens of thousands of pilgrims, from all over the world. They were of all colors, from blue-eyed blonds to black-skinned Africans. But we were all participating in the same ritual, displaying a spirit of unity and brotherhood." Witnessing the diversity amongst people, I juxtapose Malcom X's thoughts on racial equality in Islam to my changed perspective of viewing other different cultures from a native perspective. Back home in America, I gained an appreciation for other cultures in the local mosque and came to see them as Muslims first. Travelling halfway across the globe, to experience the ideal world of my religion being exemplified taught me to comprehend diverse cultures, in Islam and around the world, using a holistic perspective.

Notes:
Main focus is learning about the diverse culture by seeing all the pilgrims in ihram and walking indiscriminately together.
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EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 1, 2015   #2
Two summers ago, I traveled with my family from rainy Washington to the...

My experience in Mecca is a defining moment in my life, because the ...

... blistering sun rays from the almost unbearable desert heat, blur my vision. --- I think this sentence is better without that phrase. Even though it's great writing with the phrase included,

In just a couple hundred yards, I will get got my first physical glimpse at the Kaaba, the sacred cuboid building. Before entering the mosque, I donned the ihram, the universal pilgrimage clothing consisting of two white sheets of cloth. I secure secured ... --- I see that you use past tense, present tense, and future tense. You seem to be doing it in a poetic way to draw the reader into the experience, and that is great. However, one of the principles of style, according to Strunk and White, is to keep the tense the same. In an academic essay, it's probably best to use the past tense in a case like this, so I changed it all to past tense.

Suddenly, the structure toward which I pray towards emerges like...

THIS is a great sentence... ---- I ponder about the possibility of a king praying next to a peasant, in ihram, without the world knowing. There's no need for the word 'about' here. The word ponder can be used on it's own, and it's better by itself. And this is my favorite sentence in the essay. : ) I think you should find a creative way to move it closer to the top so the reader sees it sooner, and it will raise questions in the reader's mind.

Prior to this trip, I had naively held the notion that followers of the Islamic faith are were exclusively from counties ...

My preconceived belief is was immediately ...

using a holistic perspective. ---- I can't decide whether I think the word 'holistic' is good to use here. It might be better to replace it with another word. Really, I think it might be the best word to use, but it still might confuse the reader. In my opinion, that last sentence is better without this phrase:

...taught me to comprehend diverse cultures. in Islam and around the worl d., using a holistic perspective.
But now I feel like something is missing at the end! Well, it is a great essay already, even without using my suggestions. You can decide what you'd like to do with that last sentence; I do like the word holistic there, but I think if you use the phrase 'holistic perspective' it's important to add another sentence to explain what you mean.

HOLISTIC: the components are closely interconnected and can only be explained in terms of their relationship to the whole.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Dec 1, 2015   #3
Mrahman, I'd like to share my insights to your essay.

- My chest beats rapidly, as I near theto sound of thundering chants.

- As I walk anxiously walk into the Grand Mosque's open courtyard,

- TravellingTraveling ( mind your spelling ) halfway across the globe,
- to experience the ideal world of my religion being exemplified, taught me
- to comprehend diverse cultures, in Islam and around the world, usingwith a holistic perspective.

There you have it Mrahman, I hope my modifications helped.

Overall, your essay is written well, this personal statement definitely showcase the person that you are and
how you approach your faith, different cultures and life in general.

I just hope that you have more sentences explaining how your enlightenment and pilgrimage influenced you
to become who you are and your aspirations in life.

I wish you the best of luck!


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