I have a 1.9 GPA and a 21 ACT and the college I want to attend requires a 2.0 GPA. They said they can not continue with my admission without a essay describing why I do not meet their minimum 2.0 GPA so I have to create an essay centered around this and why I should be admitted. I came up with this essay and I would really appreciate it if someone could look it over and point out everything wrong with it and how to fix it so that I can make this essay perfect. Thanks!
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Corey Graham
Northwest Missouri State University
Admission Essay
February 3, 2016
Renovated Habits
As I have grown older, I have come to understand how important academics are, despite my low 1.9 GPA. Unlike now, I did not value academics as much my freshman and sophomore year. In toll, this has negatively affected my grade point average, making it lower than it should be, inaccurately representing my intellect. I have since grown to be a different and better person.
I cannot change the past. I can, however, say that I do not identify now with my more youthful self. I strongly believe that my more recent accomplishments should represent my capabilities rather than the poor habits of my younger self. After the realization that I cannot do everything myself and that I have to compromise and do things I don't like for a greater good, I have learned to take responsibility for my actions and actively try to fix mistakes I have made. Wanting to be 100% original and independent has caused me to be stubborn and challenge school rules and teachers which ultimately negatively affected my grades. This has caused me to fail some classes and get low grades in others. I have since learned that I cannot do it all my way and on my own and that I need to take opportunities when they arise instead of letting them pass for the sake of my pride. For example, I am currently taking credit recovery classes for classes I failed as well as actively doing everything in my power to maintain a 4.0 GPA so that my cumulative GPA will rise to a 2.4 by the end of my senior year.
Instead of making excuses, I now take responsibility more seriously. I cannot bear letting other people down and I cannot bear letting myself down. This value that I behold has urged me to give vigorous effort to many things and has made me manage my time better so that I could give great effort to various things. I now manage my time more wisely. An example of this is being able to manage a part-time job, sometimes working up to fifty hours a week, while finding time to complete homework, do well in school, and help in school clubs and activities demanding up to two hours of my time immediately after school. My freshman self would have simply given up and would have been too lazy to do all of these things but I'm more devoted to hard work than before. It's ironic, in fact, that I have become a bit of a workaholic as well, always looking for more work when my work is finished.
I would not have all of my achievements today if it had not been for my renowned focus and ambition. I was promoted at my job twice because of it. I obtained a 3.0 GPA for the first time since elementary school my junior year. I won a D.A.R.E essay competition and I also placed 3rd in a DECA conference. I was even awarded multiple times at my work and got better at math in school, which is my worst subject. This is all because of my new found focus and ambition to better myself as much as possible. I think I can sum all of this up into one quote that I go by in my everyday life.
I am able to do so much more and all of this is due to an awakened passion of education and stronger focus. I appreciate education more seriously now. I especially value philosophy. It is my passion and drive to succeed. I feel like I can see things clear and can fix the issues happening in the world today with my philosophy. This is something that I can't fail at. Even though I'm supposed to expect the worst, I simply cannot accept failure. I can't bring myself to let the world be like this forever. I will do anything to succeed in my goal of changing the systematic structure the world abides by today. That means being educated so that I can make this more realistically possible. That means taking all the possible routes to achieve my goal. That means never giving up on any of the routes I take because it may be too hard. That includes the education route.
At Northwest Missouri State University, I feel that I can actively pursue my passion for philosophy and education. Especially attending a campus visit, I feel the environment perfectly complements my learning style and will keep me motivated to do the best of my abilities. The students are very focused on their schoolwork but they are also very approachable and helpful. I am certain that if I ever need help, I can find it there. The teachers also give a very helpful and approachable vibe, assuring me, in a way, that they will do a lot to help me which is astonishing.The biggest thing about the campus is the relief that there are resources there to help me achieve my goal, whether it be people or objects and that means a lot to me and my work ethic.
Corey, the essay has way too many redundancies. You keep going around in circles saying the same thing when what you should be doing is assuring these people that your failure as a freshman and sophomore were what dragged down you overall GPA and that you managed to improved as a student during your next few years in high school. I have an approach to this essay that I would like to suggest that you consider.
Since you are being asked to explain why you should be admitted despite your failed GPA, as they will not admit students with a GPA lower than 2.0 It would be best if your focus your essay more on your other accomplishments instead of constantly repeating why you failed to get a good score from the very start. What you need to do is balance the discussion.
For the first 2 paragraphs, explain how your low GPA was not caused by a lack of academic interest but rather, a desire to prove you could be academically capable beyond what the teachers were lecturing you on. Try to develop the following idea from your original essay:
Wanting to be 100% original and independent has caused me to be stubborn and challenge school rules and teachers which ultimately negatively affected my grades.....
After that, you should begin to explain how you matured over time by saying:
I now take responsibility more seriously.I was promoted at my job twice because of it. I obtained a 3.0 GPA for the first time since elementary school my junior year. I won a D.A.R.E essay competition and I also placed 3rd in a DECA conference..
Take the focus off your failure and draw the reviewer's attention to your current strengths that will more than make up for the low GPA. That is what the aforementioned paragraph should aim to deliver. Then close the essay by saying :
I am able to do so much more and all of this is due to an awakened passion of education and stronger focus...
That is all the information that you have to present. Always go for a thorough, but short essay. Your current version does get around to saying these things but in the longest way possible. What you need is to deliver the information before the reviewer loses interest in what you are trying to explain.
