Ok, so I have to do these supplements for F&M and would love to hear feedback for them (grammatically, phrasing, etc). I know that these aren't the best, but I hope you can get the gist of what I'm trying to say from them. The second one is a little sloppy, I'd agree, but a 100 word limit is really tough to do.
On September 27, 1777 Lancaster served as the nation's capital for a single day. If you could do anything or be anyone for one single day, what would you do? (150 word limit)
Truthfully, the first thought that developed was becoming a celebrity. But the more elaborated on it, the more I learned how trivial it was. I asked myself one question: why would I want to live a life so dramatic, when I could be living a life of genuineness? Then, the idea of becoming a travel photographer came into mind. A life of simplicity, yet so complex; I'd be living my dream of traveling the world as well as documenting every moment of it. I want to be able to experience a new culture every time I wake up, to see how others live in their respective societies and learn from those I meet. With the knowledge I obtain, I want to be able to give share my perspective of the world and inspire people to travel and to be able to understand how others live their daily lives.
Why F&M? (100 word limit)
Growing up in Pennsylvania, I was well aware of the prestige F&M carried. A few of my friends have gone to study at F&M and they would constantly boast about how their experiences were; how beautiful the campus is, how active the professors are, and how friendly their fellow classmates are. On top of that, F&M has the reputation of covering the majority of need-based aid, which I desperately need after the financial troubles my family has experienced. F&M looks to be a great fit for me and I too would love to boast about my experiences at F&M.
Calvin, for question number one, you should be thinking out of the box and way beyond a personal motive for the date. Remember Lancaster became a capital of the country for a single day. Important, decisions could have been made for the betterment of the nation from Lancaster on that day. Therefore, the question is important in the sense that this would be your one chance to make your mark on the nation. What would you do to make that mark? So you should be thinking more along the lines of how you can change the politics of the country, improve the lives of people by passing a certain law, or enacting economic actions meant to help the community. Think big, not individual. This is your chance to change the world somehow. Being a travel photographer is something you can be on any old day, try to develop an answer that is unique and will be memorable to the reviewer.
Your answer to the second question is mostly second hand information. The only first hand information was the one about need based aid. My suggestion is, ditch the hearsay information and focus on the need based aid for students. You have the story to make it relevant to your response. So make contact with the reviewer. Discuss the opportunity to attend college when you are financially strapped at L&M. It responds to the question in a more personal manner.
Hi, Clavin
I am little confused why you chose being a travel photographer in first article.
It's interesting to extend your imagination for exerting ONE DAY's possibility, so it could be a adventure, an activity or a surprising moment. Travel photographer this occupation involve too many aspects, like traveling process, the moment you catch the scene, the photos you publish and so on. I think it should focus on only one affair, and it will make your article more attractive.
Say something directly, what you did really made what happened, and it impacted what with what kinds of influence.
Cheer
Louisa, thank you for your contribution! So, for the first question, I'm thinking of the following:
- Lawmaker, to make a difference with a policy/law to help the people in whichever way I feel is necessary.
- A humanitarian aid, working for the UN or UNICEF to make a difference in the lives of the needy in the world.
And honestly, I really can't think of anything else. I'm not thinking outside the box hard enough, but could you give me some examples I could work upon? Or should I be ok to elaborate on the examples I had in mind?
Calvin, both of your ideas would work well. However, I think that being a humanitarian aid worker would have more of an impact upon society or the world in general. Being a lawmaker is like saying you want to be a pencil pusher. a lawmaker just makes laws that people may of may not decide to follow. But a humanitarian worker touches peoples lives in a way that makes their existence meaningful and important in our modern society.
Try to develop the idea a bit more. Think about the greatest tragedies that the world has had in this century. Then imagine the kind of aid worker you can be in similar scenario. You could even make up an original scenario if you want to. Just make sure that your narrative expresses how you can make a difference at that time. Maybe you have a special skill, training, or interest that will be of great help in such an instance. It all depends upon how you develop the idea.
