Hi Kingsley! Welcome to EF! Definitely agreeing with Louisa once again. This essay isn't really centered around the prompt- your overall growth and how your view of the world has changed.
I would say that this experience had [...] for the benefit of people around me.
This sentence, while so long, is both indiscernible and meaningless to me. It influenced the way you see social development? How? Why? How is that important to who you are as a person? How has this made a profound change in the way you see the world? You say you rediscovered your passion- but what is that passion? How has that passion affected your life, goals, and view of the world? Saying you want to make a positive change is meaningless if you don't say what that change is, what your goals/ plans are to make that change, and how you will put those plans into action. How will you benefit those around you? Who are those people? Are they impoverished? Oppressed? Discriminated against? Why is it important for you to make their lives better?
You're saying a lot of words that don't say anything specific of meaningful about who you are and how you have changed as a person. Louisa gives good pointers on how to brainstorm the right lesson and experience to discuss in this essay. I think if you chose something, even if it was small, and discussed it in really concrete details, it would be better than making very general broad statements.