PLEASE CORRECT ME AND GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS!
200 words
What are the core skills and knowledge you hope to acquire by completing a degree in this major and how do you plan to apply these when you graduate?
My career interest has always derived from my desire to attract consumers or people psychologically, visually and culturally. The knowledge I hope to attain by completing a Bachelor of Journalism and Communication at University of Florida is a complete understanding of Advertising. I know that I will become a successful advertiser due to the program they have to offer. The program will give me strong leadership skills to become the best I can be. In addition, it can provide strong analytic skills, so I can give my service in different work fields. Also, by analyzing my strengths and weakness, I will learn more about myself and I will be able to understand the different markets that exist. To become a successful advertiser, I will need all the skills that the program at University of Florida has to offer. My goal is to create my firm to provide services of advertising; not only to sell the idea of a product, but also for social issues campaigns that want to let their voices be heard.
Please provide any other information about yourself that you feel will help this college make an admission decision. This may include work, research, volunteer activities or other experiences pertaining to the degree program.
I am a self-driven, motivated female. I have capability to work under extremely stressful conditions. Being in the position of working and studying have never been a restrained. I am used to work long and hard hours, around the clock. In fact, it had taught me the true meaning of responsibility and how to be multitask. Also, I have done an internship in an Ecuadorian university while I was in my senior vacations. On the other hand, I have been involved in community service since my freshman year in high school. My main task was to teach math to elderly people that want to finish their high school studies. Moreover, been an international student, with English as second language, have give me the opportunity to completely immerse myself in a new language. As well, the experience of living in a different country make me a multicultural with high levels of adaptability. I strongly believe that University of Florida is the place where I can make my goals come true.
For the first essay, you mention multiple skills that university can offer you. However, I think the discussion is too broad. You may want to point out something specific that only this program in University of Florida offers, not somewhere else. If you replace University of Florida with any other university and the essay still works, you may want it to be more specific.
For the second essay, I suggest you presenting one example with details and it can show all the personalities you mentioned. It is not convincing without examples and details.
Dear Juan Carlos,
It is a pleasure to be reading and reviewing your essay.
Red: fixed errors.
Blue: comments on the previous sentence.
Green: final comments.
Please see my comments and corrections on grammar below:
My career interest has always derived from my desire to attract consumers or people psychologically, ...
This is a good start to your essay. I like how you mentioned your desire to attract consumers and people. In this essay, I would like to see more specifics as to what skills the college has to offer. Have you reviewed UF's College of Journalism website? I just viewed it and found vital information that could go in this essay. Please take the time to review their site and see if you can find specific skills and any knowledge that interest you. The goal is to be very specific and not too broad.
I am a self-driven, motivated female Are you a male of a female? Your profile name is Juan Carlos. You may want to fix this error. . I have the ability to work ...
This is a good start. I like how you wrote about yourself in the beginning. Excellent starting strong sentence. I would like to see more of that confidence throughout the essay and all the way until the end. As far as the rest of the essay, I think you are listing too many things that may not be related. For example, you list that you interned in Ecuador. Yet you did not mention what your internship was about. I would delete that whole sentence if I was you and focus more on your volunteer experience with the elderly. This is way more impressive than just saying you interned somewhere.
For this last essay, please emphasize more on your volunteering experience. I think it could add strength to this essay. How does helping the elderly relate to your degree program? Also, perhaps add more information about your work and what you had to do to maintain work and school. This will add more strength. And last, have you done any research work?
I hope I was able to help with the suggestions above.
Best regards,
Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez
Well, nice passage.
I agree with the message above, that you should make paragraphs more specific. And I would like to recommend that you should show your study abiilty in the first part. The university will provide you with some useful skills and knowledge. You need to add something showing that you learn from them and apply these when you graduate. The learning process is always an interacting activity. Show them you have the potential and motivations.
Wish you success!
