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Essay for Accelerated Nursing Program: describe your motivation or desire to become a nurse.


keriyao 1 / -  
Feb 25, 2016   #1
I am an international student and want to change my career route to Nursing. Here is my essay for the accelerated nursing program application for Jefferson, which is proofread by my classmates; however, I would also like to gain more advices for the content since I feel it to be a little weak. I hope it can be more powerful.

Please describe your motivation or desire to become a nurse.

Changing my career to nursing has not been a hasty idea, but rather a long-term reflection of my innate desire and a gradual contemplation of self strength.

The core motivation for becoming a nurse is my desire for bringing good to people's lives. While volunteering with the Neuroscience Department at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital, the most conveyed concept during the volunteer orientation was "letting patients and families feel comfortable while staying at Jefferson." It was not until I started to work in the floors that I realized the team effort needed to attend to patients, both psychologically and physically. It was a whole team that worked together to provide primary care, make important medical decisions, as well as handle insurance and other administrative needs. As a volunteer, companionship was my only service; however, I could sense the magnitude of influence that this small contribution had on patients, it was immense. Also, having had a chance to shadow registered nurses and nurse practitioners was an invaluable opportunity to gather a better understanding of the professions, it was overwhelmingly inspiring. I also received positive feedback from them, which was also highly encouraging. I learned that being a nurse is never easy, but all the good one can bring and receive is more than one can imagine.

Knowing my strengths also helps me feel confident that I can be a nurse. I started to recognize some of my strengths that could help me be a healthcare provider during my employment as a Patient Transporter in the Emergency Room at Chun-Ho Memorial Hospital, in Taiwan. One of my duties was to facilitate communication between providers and patients. I felt confident in my performance. In addition, I was able to learn and think quickly in the fast paced environment. I paid attention to the appearance of patients, independently determined the best course of action needed, and acted quickly to make sure the patients were safe and well attended.

Regarding my academic performance in my previous degree, unfortunately, low motivation resulted in minimal academic success. I took time to reflect and find what I really wanted to do so I could work hard, focus and do well. When I went back to school to take the prerequisite courses I needed, my motivation and hard work was reflected in better academic performance. It also prepared me to succeed in an accelerated program. Not only because I developed strong study methods, but also because applying medical theories into practice is one of my academic strengths.

Pursuing a nursing career brings my desire to care for people to a professional and practical level that is based on scientific methods and holistic healthcare. For me nursing is an international profession, because nursing theories can be generally applied everywhere in the world. As an international student, that is very important to me. Last but not least, nursing is also a life skill that can be used to promote health consciousness to families and communities. All of which inspired me to be a nurse.
JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Feb 25, 2016   #2
Hi Keriyao,

It is a pleasure to be helping you.

You have good writing skills. I like how organized the essay is.

First of all, does this nursing program know what your previous career was? Do they really have to know that you are changing careers? Throughout your essay, you never mention what was your previous career was, and I think mentioning the career change weakens your essay. If you really want to mention your previous career, then you need to list what you did in the past, and write how the volunteering experience inspired you to change careers.

You begin your essay with a weak statement. Instead of beginning with "changing my career," why don't you begin your essay with something that will grasp the reader? This is the first line the reader is going to read. Think of something powerful, human, and touching that will grasp the reader and not make him turn away.

In your second paragraph about volunteering, you do a lot of telling. You tell us how team effort was needed and how companionship was your service. To make this paragraph stronger, I would like to see effort and companionship with actions. Perhaps you can share a story of companionship that moved you. A moment when you realized, "I love this career!" Do not be afraid to talk about a day you cared for someone, when you helped a nurse, etc. How did your companionship affect patients? Do you have an anecdote? Show the reader what you did that motivated you to pursue this career.

The beginning of the third paragraph is weak. You talk about how "low motivation" led to a bad academic performance. A nursing program or any kind of program wants someone that is enthusiastic and that is willing to learn pretty much about anything. You can change this paragraph around and tell how this program inspired you so much that you began achieving high grades by applying what you had learned. Focus on the positive side of things!

So far, you have a good beginning draft. I would like to see an anecdote, a story where you actually helped someone who needed care and how if affected them, but also how it made you pursue this career. Don't worry about the content, rather open up and show us how your passion was revealed to you.

Good luck! I am here to help.
maapokua 1 / 1  
Feb 26, 2016   #3
hi keriyao
I think your essay is quite good, however i did like to make a few suggestions.
In paragraph three i think if you related your strengthens to the qualities a nurse is expected to possess it would make your essay better. Example: Nurses are professionals who are expected to be caring and compassionate in their activities so as not to lose lives and in this regard i believe it will be a plus for me if i became a nurse since being caring and compassionate are qualities i possess.


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