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i need a little guidance on my admission essay..am i on the right track ?


KTZ 1 / -  
Jul 1, 2009   #1
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

"Every child has a father, but not every child can have a Daddy." I still remember vividly the words the judge spoke to me and my family as he approved my adoption in 2001. My mother had remarried in 1998 to her best friend of ten years. Already a large part of my life, my new step father and I started discussing adoption. After receiving consent from my biological father, we began the process of filing the paperwork. Four long months after first filing for adoption, I found myself at the DuPage County Court House, preparing for the adoption. On that day, my Daddy took full responsibility of a child for whom he was not responsible. He gave his word to the judge to support me both financially and emotionally. By accepting one hundred percent responsibility for me, my Dad demonstrated an enormous amount of personal integrity. As a result of being raised by him, I was held to higher standards and encouraged to display such characteristics as integrity and responsibility. As I grew up, my Dad instilled the many values that he had shown through the adoption, into me.

Upon my graduation from middle school, he encouraged me to pursue the highest education possible and take responsibility for myself and for my future. As an International Baccalaureate (IB) Student, I frequently sought my Dad's advice and direction. Upon his encouragement, I enrolled in the JROTC program and was able to gain further redeeming characteristics including patriotism and pride in the United States of America. Throughout high school, I was able to draw from my adoption experience and rely on my Dad as a steady, strong role model to aide me throughout the trials and tribulations I encountered. Once I entered my junior year in high school, I was no longer able to continue JROTC as a class due to my heavy academic schedule. Once again, my father stepped in and prompted me to follow my desires and pursue a spot on the Swim Team. With his encouragement, I was able to secure a varsity position and was then elected captain my senior year. Subsequently, with the responsibility and academic integrity inculcated in me by my Dad, I will achieve a successful college experience. Not only will the motivation and direction I gained see me through my academic classes but they also will come into play throughout my college experience as I grow and implement my leadership skills in the Fightin' Gator Battalion and in the social atmosphere at the University of Florida.

Furthermore, every quality ingrained in me by my Dad by example will aide in the contributions I will make to the University of Florida. With strong academic integrity and a sense of responsibility, I will be able to become a strong, motivated and dedicated Florida Gator who will display these qualities throughout the campus community and the Gator Nation.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 1, 2009   #2
The description of the event that starts this piece is very strong, and the piece as a whole does answer the prompt very nicely. I notice, however, that the vivid prose that begins the piece does not carry through. You start with a unique and emotional story but end with dully phrased truisms. Rewrite the whole last paragraph, ruthlessly excising phrases like "implement my leadership skills" and replacing them with the kind of lively and highly individual writing with which you started the piece.
fernaj13 4 / 9  
Jul 1, 2009   #3
try to use identation to separate the thesis statement from the body. that will make your document stronger.
majed 1 / 1  
Jul 1, 2009   #4
you must put indentation at the beginning of introduction,points,and conclusion

best regards

majed
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 4, 2009   #5
Strong opening, as others have noted. The central character in this essay, though, is your Dad, and after reading your essay, I cannot picture him, or even how he helped you. I know he "instilled values" in you, and you do list those values, but there isn't a single narrative anecdote that shows how he did this. So, to make the second half of your essay as strong as your first, add in some narrative and description that paints a mental image showing what you currently only tell.


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