Recount an incident experienced failure. How did it affect you and what did you learn from the experience
Late 2014 I graduated from high school, according to my country's educational laws, one is supposed to take a break for a year before applying for college. So I took a break as implemented. In October that same year as I was browsing online, I stumbled across a scholarship page and it caught my attention. On this same page, I came across the MasterCard Foundation Scholars Program. This program targeted academic qualificated but yet economically challenged students from Africa. Since I am economically challenged, I took keen interested in the program.
I gather more information about the program; how to apply, the universities that partnered with it, and the qualifications. Among the schools that partnered with the foundation was McGill University. Unaware of McGill's admissions process and entry qualifications for international students, I decided to apply for admission. Several weeks after submitting my application the Admissions Office contacted and informed me of their decision regarding my application. Unfortunately, I was not awarded the scholarship.
The news hit me very badly and I was affected both emotionally and mentally. I began to view myself as a failure, I questioned and doubted my skills and talents. The positive outlook that I had towards life ceased and negativity developed in it's place. For instance, if someone asked for my help regarding school assignments, I would frequently decline because I deemed myself as a failure.
The experience taught me that failure is a part if success. Without failure, success wouldn't exist and without success, failure won't exist. Planning is also an important aspect of success, as the saying goes, "lack if planning results into failure". Patience also is a key aspect of success, before making a decision we should evaluate and weigh the outcomes.
Hi Dennis, I will give you some corrections on your first paragraph and I hope it can help you to improve your essay :)
Late 2014 I graduated from high school, according to my country's educational laws, one is supposed to take a break for a year before applying for college. SoTherefore, I took a break as implemented. In October 2014,that same year as I was browsing online,(what did you browse about?)and I stumbled across a scholarship page.and it caught my attention. On thisthe same page, I came across the MasterCard Foundation Scholars Program. This program targeted academic qualificatedqualification but yet economically challenged students from AfricaAfrica's student . Since I amwas economically challenged, I took keen interested in the program.
cheer up!!
Dear Dennis,
I hope this finds you well.
The essay is well crafted, however, it did not convince me as a reader. You spend quite some time discussing the failure and what happened, and you did not really depict how you overcame failure. You did say you learned from the experience, but you did not show the reader how you overcame this obstacle. Be careful when writing essays like these. Think of how many students apply to scholarships and schools and get rejected. Whoever is reading your essay knows that many people experience these type of failures. And what makes you more important than the rest? You need to stand out in your essay by either showing us how you overcame the obstacle and remove so much failure from your essay, or you need to write a new draft with a true and deeper experience that will make the readers go, "WOW!"
Make a list on a blank sheet of paper and write down "obstacles and challenges" as a title. Then, start writing down things that you have been through. This will formulate ideas and will make you discover real failures. However, if nothing comes out, then I would suggest furthering this essay as I discussed above.
I hope this helps in the betterment of your essay.
Juan Rubio
Hi Dennis, as I read your essay, I must say that failures are part of our daily lives and with this we have to stand and face the next day with pride and courage that the new day will bring us better chance at life.
I have seen may failures in life and people who learn from them are not only the best in their chosen fields but also the best resource person to help you get through another day.
Having said all this, please find a few additions and suggestions to your essay.
- Late 2014, I graduated from high school,
- In October of that same
- I came acrossalso found the MasterCard
- academically qualifiedqualificated
- but yethowever economically challenged
- Since I am economically challengedHaving this exact situation ,
- is a part ifof success.
- "lack ifof planning results in to failure".
- and weigh the outcomes .
There you have it Dennis, I hope the modifications above are helpful in your revision. For future writing reference, mind the constructions of your sentences, don't get me wrong, your writing approach is fair, however, the proper construction of ideas will further enhance your essay.
Thank you so much, I will make sure my next essay is well written.
Here's my final edit;
There was once a time in my life when I learnt about Healthy living, to specific, a healthy diet. I tried changing my lifestyle so that I could be disease free and also gain the optimum health and energy for my body. So I set out on a quest to live a healthy and disease free life, this included putting aside dangerous foods such as meat, eggs, milk, smoked fish, fried foods, and all sorts of processed foods that were harmful to my body.
It was so easy imagining a life without all these dangerous foods but to act out of the sentiments of my mind in a world where all these toxic foods are readily available and cheap was one of the hardest things a teenager would do. I decided I was going to stop eating all these foods at once. Firstly I began by stopping to eat eggs and meat but there was an void that needed to be filled by another food and as such, I ate simple foods. However, I wasn't able to last a week without eating eggs whilst seeing them on my table daily. I failed to stop eating eggs even when I knew they were a hazard to my health. It was then when I realized that unless the desire emerges stronger that my appetite, I wouldn't completely stop eating the foods I considered unhealthy.
Soon I learnt that without proper replacements for these foods I would be more unhealthy. I tried to overcome my indulgence of drinking milk, strong and carbonated drinks, and having unhealthy snacks, but I failed in this as well as there were so many snacks and drinks I wouldn't resist.
I become distressed for it seemed there was no way I could learn to eat healthy without jeopardizing my health. I was really miserable because I had failed to attain that high state of health I wanted. I soon learnt that unless I acquire knowledge on a particular diet and lifestyle, it was impossible for me to make the right changes.
In life it's very important not to despair on our mistakes but learn from them. Success wouldn't exist without failure and failure won't exist without success
At a later time in my life, I uses this lesson to strengthen my will power and I searched for knowledge on a healthy diet.
Hi, I think you did a good job. I think if you add some paragraphs together, then it will look much better
Thanks for the heads up but why did you get Suspended
Hi Dennis, as I read your essay, I understand the drive you are aiming at, you want to create a little bit of drama into your writing, the art of creating an article that will remain in the minds of your readers, though the intentions are true and correct, this idea did not transpire nor help your essay at all.
To further explain my view, please find the corrections below;
- There was once a time in my life when I learnt about Healthy living, to specific,All my life, I strive to maintain a healthy diet.
- gain the optimum health
- fried foods,( when followed by the word "and", a comma is not necessary ) and
- that wereare harmful to my body.
There you have it Dennis, I hope the corrections above are able to explain my observations towards your essay with the focus on the first paragraph. For future writing reference, unless otherwise stated, avoid creating that drama or some sort of theatrical speech in your essay, specially when you're writing a scholarship essay. One thing that a scholarship essay needs is to be formal, direct to the point and most of all, the logic of each and every idea.
Thank you very much, I will take keep that in mind.
