Asking organizations for funds - UC Essay Intended major, Need help on editing

In my recent visit to Pakistan, I lead a project with my friends. Electricity is a critical issue in my country as there is a blackout every hour. Growing up in that environment gave me a sense of responsibility of helping my community. So, I prompted out for a mission where I went around to various big organizations, asking them for funds, which would allow me to buy generators for communities who could not afford electricity at all specifically the villages around me. Once we had enough money to buy couple of generators. We set off to the closest villages and helped with wiring their utilities to the generators. Helping my community and making people's lives better gave me the interest in further pursuing my studies in electrical engineering.

Since childhood I have loved to create things in a new way using my own imagination. My curiosity of developing new products and fixing problems has further evolved my interest in this subject. Enjoyed every moment of doing self-home projects of repairing different products like laptops, Ipods, cars, wiring car audio systems for friends and family members. Another event which sparked me in choosing Engineering was when I first developed my own toolbox and a book stand for my project in high school for a wood tech class. I felt really accomplished in creating these items from scratch and no help.

Not having a memorable experience in high school because of the barrier of the language. I certainly was not competitive enough to enter UC systems since my gpa was under a 3.0. I had to work hard for where I am now to prepare myself for the upper division courses in the UC. My perseverance and the ability of not giving up on pursuing my career in electrical engineering gave me the strength to do much better in community college and has gotten me ready to succeed in the future. My failures and my past has only made me stronger and I refuse to make excuses as I believe in my self-capabilities and will succeed in any given circumstances.

In my recentrecentlyvisitvisited to Pakistan, I lead ...

1. Your recent project means in the past time. So use the past form of sentence

I think it is good overall. Keep working !

Rohan, we need to work on the presentation of your essay. Since you are discussing your intended major, you need to follow a certain format or information presentation in paragraph form. Let me see if I can help you do that with the list I created below:

Par. 1: Introduction - introduce the power shortage problem in your country as you remember it affecting you. There is no need to discuss the fact that you went around asking for donations for generators. We just need to know how the power shortage affected you and how it drove you to want to major in electrical engineering.

Par. 2: Body - present your early life or academic experience in the field of electrical repair. Make sure that you relate solid evidence of your talent in this field that could be taken to mean that you will be a successful student in this major.

Par. 3: Body - inform the reader about the purpose for your major. Do you plan on working in the electrical industry in the future? In what capacity and why?

Par. 4: Conclusion - End the essay by informing the reader about the reasons for your choice of UC. Don't tell them you did not qualify before and things like that. Don't belittle yourself in your own essay. Even if you say that you worked hard to qualify, it really isn't relevant in this essay. Save that for another prompt where you will be allowed to offer some idea of your educational background or something similar. After all, if you don't believe you belong at UC, then why should they believe you belong there?