This is my essay for Engineering at University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.
The prompt is "In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals." I welcome any criticism or comments no matter how minute. Thank you in advance.
Moore's Law: a trend in computing observed by Intel co-founder Gordon E. Moore. Moore's statement in 1975 that the number of transistors in an integrated circuit would double every two years has stood the test of time, this is why he is my hero. He pioneered early processors and founded biggest semiconductor maker in the world. My professional goal is to become one of the engineers working to keep the exponential growth in computing power alive. I want to come up with that next big breakthrough that changes the playing field for processor manufacturing.
As a young kid, I fell in love with computers. Their inner workings fascinate me, so much so, that I built my own fully working desktop computer by the time I was 10. I planned out my computer and bought each piece separately. I carefully weighed each company's product against the other. Even with careful assembly, when I first put it together, it didn't work. That didn't stop me, I racked my brain, going over each individual wire to make sure it was connected properly. My determination and problem solving skills paid off when I found a critical cable was disconnected inside. My computer taught me about myself as much as it taught me about itself. In order to put the computer together I had to learn what each individual piece goes and how it fits together with all the rest of the pieces. This may seem boring to some, but I loved it. Ever since then, I have wanted to learn more about the complex circuitry deep inside a processor's core.
Moore's statement in 1975 that the number of transistors in an integrated circuit would double every two years has stood the test of time; this is why he is my hero.
I planned out my computer, I bought each piece separately, Iand took my time, but when I first put it together, it didn't work; I racked my brain, going over each individual wire to make sure it was connected properly.
My computer taught me about myself as much as it taught me about itself. In order to put the computer together I had to learn what each individual piece goes and how it fits together with all the rest of the pieces. You don't really explain what the computer taught you about yourself, only that yo uhad to learn about each piece. Mention how learning about the pieces taught you a lesson or perhaps gave you further insight as to what kind of person you are. This may seem boring to some, but I loved it. Or you could continue this and say something like how you realized you enjoyed the meticulous-ness (?) and the detail.
Also, I'm not sure how others feel, but it seems like your intro doesn't quite relate to the rest of your topic. It leads up to your future pursuits, but you may want to reconsider rewriting it since you only have 300 words to work with and it almost seems like you're writing about a hero/admirable figure rather than you.
Thanks Maretta. I deleted the first paragraph entirely and then sort of rewrote some of it at the end of my essay. I think it flows a lot nicer and helps it relate to the topic, tell me what you think.
As a young kid, I fell in love with computers. Their inner workings fascinate me, so much so, that I built my own fully working desktop computer by the time I was 10. I planned out my computer and bought each piece separately. I carefully weighed each company's product against the other. Even with careful assembly, when I first put it together, it didn't work. That didn't stop me, I racked my brain, going over each individual wire to make sure it was connected properly. My determination and problem solving skills paid off when I found a critical cable was disconnected inside. My computer taught me about myself as much as it taught me about itself. In order to put the computer together I had to learn what each individual piece goes and how it fits together with all the rest of the pieces. This may seem boring to some, but I loved it. The computer taught me determination. I stuck with my project even though it didn't work. When my computer broke, I diagnosed it and fixed it. When it grew old, I upgraded several internal components, instead of simply getting a newer one.
Since that moment, I have wanted to learn more about the complex circuitry deep inside a processor's core. Every day, I read about new breakthroughs in processor technology. I think to myself that years down the road, I want to be that guy. I want to be the one that comes up with some great new idea that revolutionizes how they are built or even how they function.
My computer taught me about myself as much as it taught me about itself
How so? I think that you should omit this sentence because it's irrelevant.
This may seem boring to some, but I loved it.
Omit that too. Why do you have to say it?
Every day, I read about new breakthroughs in processor technology. I think to myself that years down the road, I want to be that guy.
A better whay to say it:
>>>
"I want to be that guy!" I thought, as I read about who lead a new breakthrough in processor technologyI want to be the one that comes up with somea great new idea that revolutionizes how they are built or even how they function.
Add a new closing sentence. I believe it shouldn't end with that last sentence.. and if you omit what I suggested you to omit, you would have space for a new closing sentence.
