Hi , can anyone help me with my grammatical error and help in editing the essay? And if you have any opinions , feel free to mention here! Do you guys think if i should add a closing? what closing is appropriate ?
Christalite Methodist Home
My trip to Christalite Methodist Home in year 2013 was a life-defining time for me. This is my first voluntary work I have done. At there, I am being assigned to plan some entertainments programs for the elderlies. Our group has managed to come out with some activities such as ice breaking games, singing and performing for the elderlies. Seeing the elderlies laugh and smile really warms my heart. After that, all of us walk around and chat with the elderlies. The elderly I chatted with is wheelchair bound and suffer from dementia. We had a very pleasant conversation and I felt that I have learnt a lot of things from him. Just when I was about to leave, he told me that he was grateful to all of us for spending so much effort to plan all those programs for them. After this event, I have learn how such a simple action could make the biggest difference in another journey. Now, whenever I have time in the weekend, I will be going to different places to help out those in need.
When I am in secondary school, my results has not been great. I was eventually posted to the last express class when I was in secondary 3. I told myself that I have to buck up and work hard so that I would not disappoint my parents again. I have received Academic Achievement Awards (2012) for being the top 25% in academic performance and good conduct in school. When I was in Polytechnic, I have taken Diploma Plus in Advanced Computing Mathematics and obtained best performance in modules such as Enterprise Resource Planning and Enterprise Business Processes.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Boon, personally, I would not recommend that you use this essay for your application because there is nothing within the 2 presentations that would be considered and outstanding achievement or contribution. These are only so-so activities that you participated in. You did not lead in the presentation of a project, or participated in something important that would showcase a particular ability or trait of yours as a person or as a student. It simply does not stand out in its presentation of information because the topics you have chosen are weak to begin with.
This type of prompt looks for information about areas of academic or non-academic participation (extra curricular) where you excel performance-wise. The first essay only talks about how you participated in a group undertaking. The second one, talks about something so early in your education that it cannot even be considered a notable event at this point. Then you under develop your discussion of the possibly notable achievements you have in terms of academics. So you cannot use either of the two topics for the prompt.
In order to write this essay properly, you need to think of a time during your academic or extra curricular activities when you were given some sort of recognition or honor for an exceptional thing that you did at the time. If you want to have a baseline for your revision, I suggest that you think about the Academic Achievement Award you received or perhaps. the best performance in modules recognition. Those are the two best bets as a response to this essay. Pick one, the one that you think is most notable and you can fully describe as a highlight in the essay.
@Holt Do you think this is better?
My results has not been great in secondary days. I told myself that I have to work hard for my preliminary results and my hard works had paid off. I have received Academic Achievement Awards (2012) for being the top 25% in academic performance and good conduct in school and obtain a score of 12 points for my GCE O level. Although the result is not that good to others, however, to me, I have put in my best effort and I am contented to achieve this results.
When I enrolled into polytechnic, I decided to focus on my academic results eternity. Every day, when I reached home, I will revise the stuffs that has been taught and look for the lecturers for questions that I am unsure off. In semester 1.2, I started taking Diploma Plus in Advanced Computing Mathematics. I have achieved best performance in modules such as Enterprise Resource Planning (ERP) and Enterprise Business Processes (EBP). These 2 modules are correlated and they make use of a software known as SAP. My final assignment for ERP is to work in group of 3 and obtain the top sales among the respective teams. My team has managed to get the top among all the other teams. By getting the best performance in both of the modules and the top sales for the final assignment, I am being invited to attend the 2015 SAP Challenge which I have to compete against various universities from overseas. Although my team did not get into TOP 3, however , this is one of my most outstanding achievements as I can represent my polytechnic to compete in such a big-scale event.
