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A personal statement: reflection about different cultures


zealzou 11 / 54  
Sep 26, 2009   #1
This is a personal statement. I have revised it for several times, but still I think it lacks surprise. Please help me. Thanks a lot!

I stood behind giant St. Peter. His eyes were reaching for the end of the sky, also fixed on the city of Rome in front of him. Everything at that moment was motionless:the statue, St. Peter Cathedral, and clouds in the blue sky. Paolo asked me proudly, "What do you think of our city?"

We walked among the clusters of columns lying beside Coliseum and touched darken bricks covered by lichen. There weren't so many rushing cars or busy office workers. Songs lingered on the squares and people sat leisurely on the couches outside the cafe. Paolo didn't get up until 7:30 and went home at 14:00 without any homework. The leisure was hard to imagine for me, whose life in Beijing is always crammed with challenging course and kaleidoscopic activities.

Paolo and his friends also visited Beijing later. While we explored Rome thirstily, they seemed to be not very interest in our city. They would rather spent a whole afternoon bargaining in Xiushui Street, coming out wearing 4 cheap watches than visit the Forbidden City with us. Or they simply sat in Starbucks, sipping Cappuccino and chatting for hours while we waited in anxiety and wrote today's paper.

Later, in August, I had a half day trip with Gyre, a Californian boy.
"Fantastic staff!"
He stared at the Bird's Nest. He came to Beijing for Olympics, and kept talking with me everything about China in the whole morning: Chinese reform, Chinese-American relation...The light in his eyes told me how curious he was. I looked at his eyes. Yes, it's just that kind of emotion. It's in movie the Legend of 1900: The man pointed somewhere in mist and his voice trembled in ecstasy, crying out "America!"

In my view, Paolo is pride of his nation, but also a bit conservative, while Gyre is always extremely curious to everything he met. I am surprised that the two "westerners" are so different. Although I'm not sure if they each show their typical national temperament, I feel that different cultures influence how they think and live. On the way of advancement, we are learning many things from "westerners", even regard their lifestyle as our goal, yet the huge difference and diversity confuse me what a perfect lifestyle is. Certainly, I like Gyre's open personality, but Paolo spurs my reflection more. I see people tearing down 1000-year-old walls in Beijing to build a CBD; I have friends who speak English better than his native language. Are we losing our culture and tradition?

Maybe I will study in an American college, but definitely I will maintain my identity. Moreover, what I saw in Rome reminded me that we shall not only cherish our culture, but also share it with others. Romans are preserving not only the treasure of their nation, but also a gift to the world, or else how could I be so awestruck?

On the opening ceremony of 2008 Olympics, thousands of Chinese characters formed a word: "harmony". Recalling my confusions, I finally understood why the director chose this word: it's his answer. He hoped that we find harmony between developing rapidly and cherishing tradition, being modern and maintaining our own identity. I find it especially meaningful for me: Confucius' maxim has always been echoing in our fathers' hearts. Such quality will no doubt help me lead a better life and create more success wherever I live and whatever I do. I will forge myself with both our traditional value and American education: maybe that is true harmony.

When Paolo was in Beijing, one day he came to my room and saw me reading a book Cracking the SAT. He asked, "Are you going to America?"

"Yes, maybe"
"Why?"
His unexpected question made me loss of words. "Why?" That is the question, I thought.

My friend told me that I had chosen a tough topic:something about culture and it's very difficult to get Personal and Concrete on this. Can you give me some sujjestion? Thank you!
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 26, 2009   #2
This essay does not lack surprise. There's a surprise at every turn. What it lacks is coherence. You go from anecdote to anecdote with seemingly no purpose. Who are these people (Paolo and Gyre) and why are we reading about them? It's unclear. It's good to use anecdotes as illustrations, but what they are illustrating must be clear. Right now, I have only a fuzzy sense of your overall thesis. (Something to do with harmony?)

You also need to work on grammar, as your frequent lapses from Standard English may be decreasing the coherence of the essay.

For example:
In my view, Paolo is proud of his nation, and also a bit conservative, while Gyre is always extremely curious about everything he encounters .
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Sep 27, 2009   #3
I have the same feeling...I feel that I jump between different stories. Also, the language in this article is pretty bad...Thanks!I will rewrite.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 27, 2009   #4
You should revise after asking yourself the following question: "what do I want this essay to say about me?" You need every application essay to highlight a particular quality about yourself that would make you a good candidate for admission. At the moment, your essay doesn't really say much about you, other than that you seem to have moved around enough to have experienced different cultures. That can be a good thing, but you need to explain more clearly how your experiences have shaped your worldview and personality, and how these in turn have prepared you to be a strong student.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Sep 27, 2009   #5
Do a spell/grammar check. Don't use words you don't know the precise meaning of.
Ask yourself consciously, what do you want the sentence you are currently writing to convey? Snap out of the storytelling tone to reflect in present time the signficance of your stor(y)(ies). Use unambiguous transitions and clear language to dispel the haze which can settle on your essay, making it sound like a free write better suited to a diary.

These are general guidelines which will serve you well in a rewrite, the last few especially.
OP zealzou 11 / 54  
Sep 27, 2009   #6
I find the problem is that I am not clear myself...but just stating those things. About the boys, about a city or about different cultures...Just a mess. Thanks very much! I think it will be better when I figure our a clear thesis.


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