Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4


Michigan Diversity Essay - Well drilling in Cambodia


qyuiosilent 4 / 22  
Sep 27, 2009   #1
"We know that diversity makes us a better university -- better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." (U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.


Three years ago, I embarked on an overseas community service trip in Prey Veng, Cambodia. Part of the project required my group to drill a well in a remote. After a day of enervating well-drilling, we were exhilarated to see the first upward splash of water. I quickly washed my muddy limbs with the water as I could not wait to grab my can of cold 100 plus in the van. When I was doing my wash-up, the sight of Cambodians drinking water, with their cupped hands, excitedly and anxiously from the well struck me.

What I used for self-cleaning, they drank voluptuously. The water, which I thought was dirty, was actually the essential of their life. What was unattractive to me was appealing to them.

My belief that people who are indigent are sorrowful was overthrown. It dawned on me that one's happiness is not hinged on one's affluence. The water that I eventually tasted was more rejuvenating and cooling than my isotonic drink. For the rest of my stay, I learn to appreciate the people's culture and their way of life. Although the villagers lived in straw houses, they led happy lives. Their tenacity and optimistic attitude despite their hardships commanded my respect.

Back home, my weekly volunteering in the Home for the Intellectually Disabled, participation in the Singapore Model United Nations conference, involvement in grassroots activities and conscription in the Singapore Armed Forces have allowed me to interact with people from all strata of the society. With these, I will bring to the university's heterogeneous community my enriching experiences as a volunteer, a debater, a leader and soldier. A prospective engineer, who has learned more outside his classroom, is going Blue.

Please comment, I am not sure if I miss the prompt. Thanks.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 27, 2009   #2
After a day of enervating well-drilling, we were exhilarated to see the first upward splash of water.

This is a lovely sentence! So few students know the word "enervating." To contrast it with another "e" word (exhilarating) is very, um, effective.

I am not sure if I miss the prompt.

Not at all: You hit it right here:

What I used for self-cleaning, they drank voluptuously. The water, which I thought was dirty, was actually the essential of their life. What was unattractive to me was appealing to them.

And here:

My belief that people who are indigent are sorrowful was overthrown.

Another lovely sentence. Very poetic!
staycold 1 / 3  
Sep 27, 2009   #3
to drill a well in a remote area.

who are indigent or sorrowful was overthrown.

I learned to appreciate

Their tenacity and optimistic attitude[insert comma] despite their hardships[insert comma] commanded my respect.

a leader[insert comma] and a soldier.

I really liked your essay overall. It seems like you're quite cultured for someone so young. I made some corrections above. The last line in your essay confuses me somewhat though. I don't know what you're trying to say.

Also, you have a well-versed vocabulary, but I feel like you're trying too hard to impress your reader. Maybe you should use simpler words.
OP qyuiosilent 4 / 22  
Sep 28, 2009   #4
Thanks Simone. Your mention of the two adjectives starting with "e" helped me spot an error - should be "an enervating day of well drilling" instead of a day of enervating well drilling"

Thanks Parisa. I missed out some words and commas when I was shortening it. Go Blue is a Michigan "slogan", so I thought of mentioning it instead of the word "Michigan". I'm not very sure if I'm going way too much out to catch the attention of admission officers.


Home / Undergraduate / Michigan Diversity Essay - Well drilling in Cambodia
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳