I really don't whether this topic is OK for my application essay. I know this is too long and need lots of revision works. Any ideas?
It may sound ridiculous if I said, it was the accident five years ago that rebuilt me into a completely different girl. I slipped to the main road and was thrown away when I was riding bike on the icy road. Intense pain from my right ankle left me no way to move. I gulped down my sobs and called my dad, and 3o minutes later, I sit in the X-rays room, being informed that I need a surgery to fix my broken bones by pegging nails! Twelve year old girl yet I was, I burst out crying and reluctantly watched doctor covering my right shank by thick, wet plaster. How shocked I was to relate my life with operation, how scared I was waiting for" the Day", and how sad I was when I spent the Christmas Eve in the sickroom, writing 40 pieces of cards to my friends and family.
I tried to be a good girl when I knew my parents weren't able to look after me, but end up lying on the bed awake listening a patient's moaning all night long. When "the Day" came one week later, I told myself stories of Chinese great heroes who suffered a lot from enemies before their death yet did not give in. "See, they all surpassed the pain! It's nothing big deal! " Huddling my body as a shrimp when received the anesthetic, I peeked around the surgery room to let me less concentrate on needles piercing into my spinal cord.
How torturing it was during the twelve hours after the operation. I refused to use morphine as the doctor said it may cause certain effects on my brain, which caused my worries about turning into a nerd if I used it. When tears came up, I closed my eyes, so tightly that the light became blinding when I eased my eyelids. Harsh time finally went away. I kept the needle stay in my horizontally raised left hand's blood vessel, stood by one foot and stretched my right arms to my favorite snacks in the corner of the room. I liked the feeling of taking good care of myself.
I felt as if I had come through something, something I never expected and dared, which incented me to take up things I had never imagined, not to try different kinds of surgeries but to meet fresh challenges. It empowered me to stand on the stage, the dream I had never dare to realize. I searched for a Jazz teacher online and took up courses immediately. I remember how excited and anxious I was seeing myself from a broad mirror. My first move was so like a nerd as my body was so strained. Tirelessly, practicing basic skills like Waves exhausted me, yet I got out of the gymnasium bathed with sweat, filled my nerves with amazing delight.
I dragged the diffident, shy girl out of my mind. I started my Jazz Dancing team, rehearsed our dance for hours every week, and absolutely stood out on the big stage at my high school talent show. I wiped out my fear and shyness; I felt the hotness of spotlight.
I kept digging, as I like knowing nothing and expecting. I moved forward not depending on my advantages, but to challenge my abilities, like choosing to join the basketball game with my 5.2 feet height and got the fourth prize. I came to the realization that I want to meet difficulties just as when the surgery nightmare came true, the realization that I shall keep my heart optimistic as long as I live, the realization that I will take risks and challenge myself as I never know what personality I'll get through those unknown experience.
This is a fine topic, but I'm concerned by the weighting of the essay, with so much devoted to the surgery and so little devoted to after. Fill out what are now the last two paragraphs, giving details or more examples. If you need to edit down the surgery narrative to make room for that, do it.
