RU is a vibrant comminity of people witha wide variety of backrounds and experiences. how would you benefit from and contribute to such and encironment? consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, and cultural experiences.
Does this essay efficiently pertain to the question?
"Benny? Benny?! Where are you? Oh my goodness! Where's Benny? Has anyone seen Benny? BEN! Where are you?!"
I was around four years old. I lived with my grandmother and my late grandfather. My cousins Benny and Joey were coming to my house, so I was restlessly waiting. They were the people with whom I spent most of my life. We were the best of friends, and they were coming at 8:00 AM so that we could go swimming in the backyard. When they finally arrived, I was ecstatic. I anxiously waited for Benny and Joey to get their floaters on. Benny was always very jumpy, shaking his hands, talking to himself, and I loved him. He wasn't like anybody I had ever met, but my innocence didn't make anything of it. Benny had gone running around the house and so I started playing with Joey.
We were busy having a screaming contest, and all of a sudden we heard the most satisfying words any four-year old could hear, "Go get Benny and you can go into the pool," my aunt said with a smile. We ran to go get Benny with more excitement than you could imagine. He wasn't in the living room, the bedroom, or the kitchen. We grew more anxious. We just wanted to jump into the pool. We called for him a few times, but there was no answer. We came across the bathroom door, and it was closed with a light on. We called in there, but no answer came back. We opened the door but he wasn't there. We informed our aunt that we couldn't find him, and that we just wanted to go swimming. At the sound of hearing that her son was missing, she frantically screamed his name. She ran left and right, but Joey and I thought that she was screaming so frantically just because she knew we wanted to get into the pool. She literally started to run, so fast, that we realized that she probably didn't care that much about us going into the pool anymore. Then it dawned on us that there was something wrong. We searched for Benny everywhere. I went to my bedroom and searched everywhere for him. He wasn't under the bed or in my closet. He was nowhere to be found.
At the tender age of 4, I didn't really think that much could happen to him, but all the tension in the house made me realize something grave may have taken place. All of a sudden, the doorbell rang. I breathed a sigh of relief, Benny had come home. I ran to the door demanding an explanation, except when I got to the door, it wasn't Benny. Actually, it was who I least expected it to be, a police officer. He asked me if any adults were home, so I told him that they were very busy looking for- my grandma rushed to the door and lead him to the backyard. I followed by in curiosity. On the sidewalk next to the pool, I witnessed something I didn't understand at the time. My cousin Benny was sleeping, face up, next to the pool, his mother yelling to him, and patting his face. She was pushing his chest up and down. My cousin Joey and I were standing next to each other. I remember looking at his face, plainly staring at his brother's ordeal. Moments later, EMT rushed in and starting pumping his chest. I noticed Benny's skin was as blue as the water. My grandmother then abruptly took Joey and me into the house and upstairs, where I was filled with questions. I saw an ambulance pull out of the driveway with Benny in it. My Grandmother would attempt to decipher the hysteria to us in her broken accent. I was frightened. What was going to be a day in the pool, turned out to be a day of confusion and heartache. I didn't know what to think, but over and over again, I heard the sentence "He will be alright." A couple days later, Benny came home with a Cookie Monster sticker. I was overjoyed and relieved when I saw him. It was then when I realized that autism was a real problem that Benny had to cope with.
Since then, I have been very sympathetic to the mentally challenged. A few years ago, my best friend introduced me to a camp that his brother attended. His brother, too, had autism. The name of this camp was Camp R.O.B.I.N. My friend Sami and I have spent many great days volunteering at this camp. I love watching these children discover things through experiments that they do at camp. The camp also takes the kids to places like PETCO. They all get so excited when they see even the simplest of things. One boy saw a clown fish, and he screamed "Nemo!" All the kids watch the fish in amazement. I think more people should be as simple as these children because they notice things that most people take for granted, and they are so much happier for it.
I'll never forget the looks on their faces during the talent show. They practiced dance routines throughout the entire summer, and on the last day of camp, they headed to the high school and performed their dances. At the end, all the parents clapped for them, and it isn't just emotionless clapping. These parents have their hearts in it and they are overjoyed to see their kids accomplish things that they have been working all summer for. When I watched them on stage, I remembered how hard they have worked, and I felt so happy for them. I look forward to seeing them every summer.
This is a compelling story, and I can understand why you have told it. However, having a cousin with autism doesn't quite speak to the question of "your talents, travels, leadership activities, and cultural experiences" and how they will lead you to contribute to the "vibrant community" at RU.
If you do stay with your cousin's autism as a theme, be sure to break this into paragraphs and edit down the details of that one day which, while traumatic, does not at all answer the question to be answered in this essay.
Looks like i have to make like 4 college essays.. i wish all colleges just had the same essay question ugh
That is a heavy story, good job.
What I would change is:
Separate the conclusion from the story by making it a new paragraph.
Lengthen the conclusion, really use the story to support your argument that
I think more people should be as simple as these children because they notice things that most people take for granted, and they are so much happier for it
Remove "I think" from that statement, beginning a thesis or conclusion with "I think" or "in my opinion" gives the audience a reason to disagree with you.
Holistically the writing is well done, I enjoyed it.
how could somebody take credit for that kind of experience to make it pertain to the essay jeanine?
This has a great, energetic beginning I would trim it a little, though:
"Benny? Benny?! Where are you? Oh my goodness! Where's Benny? Has anyone seen Benny? BEN! Where are you?!"
That is just what came to mind for me. It was great already, though.
Oops, don't capitalize grandmother and grandfather when you are using them that way. Only capitalize those terms if you are using it as a name, like: "I asked Grandfather to give me a ride home." But when you refer to my grandfather or your grandfather, do not capitalize it.
Separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence with a comma:
We were the best of friends, and they were coming over at 8 AM so that we could go swimming in the backyard.
They were the people with whom I spent most of my life. with .
I remember a One boy saw a clown fish and he screamed "Nemo!" All the kids watched the fish in amazement.
I really like the rhythm of these two sentences together: My cousin Benny was sleeping, face up, next to the pool, his mother yelling to him, and patting his face. She was pushing his chest up and down. That is some great writing!!!!!
how could somebody take credit for that kind of experience to make it pertain to the essay jeanine?
Hi, metrostar25!
Thanks, I see where I didn't make that clear.
In the last part of the essay where Daniel is talking about his volunteer work with mentally challenged children, it seems as though he/she is standing back and watching everything unfold. I suggested a more active voice here in order to let the reader know that he/she had an active role in changing the lives of these kids. "I volunteered to work with them; I taught them; I supervised them; I showed them; I loved them."
This is a great essay, and I got the impression that the writer is a very selfless individual with an empathy that many of us lack. This outstanding quality should be the shining example of why he or she should be chosen ahead of others, and in order for this quality to stand out, an active voice is needed.
Does that make more sense?
PS. Sorry to talk around you, Daniel. I hope I made myself clearer for you! :D
Blue skies!
Jeannie
But if Daniel were to keep writing "I", then he would seem less selfless and that quality would be nullified
Good point, metrostar, but I disagree somewhat. There are many ways in which to use a more active voice without the constant, obnoxious, and literal use of "I," but I see no wrong in the judicious use of "I" when one is attempting to sell oneself in a well-written application essay, do you?
Blue skies!
Jeannie
so do you think that he should flat out write that he is self less after giving examples. for instance " i believe i am an extraordinarily selfless individual that could bring a new selfless perspective to rutgers because of the experiences i have encountered at an early age" ?
Haha! No, metrostar! That is not what I am saying at all, but if you would like me to explain further, you can reach me at my e-mail address. It seems you and I are the only ones discussing this topic at this juncture, and I feel the discussion should be moved to another venue, agreed?
Blue skies!
All of these comments are excellent.
The story is compelling, and I can see why it needs to be told. But you still have to remember your audience, who may not share your enthusiasm. At some point, you still have to get it back toward the original prompt, as has been suggested.
Paragraphs are a must. Absolutely.
I tried to email you, but no luck. I get emails saying i cant email that address. any final comments? it is to be submitted tonite D-=
Hi, Mark, Daniel, metrostar25, Vlatski, and whoever else you are. Having my chain yanked gets annoying after awhile, but good luck anyway.
Sincerely, The real Jeannie
lolz i couldnt get on to vlatski, so i made metro.. anyway jeanie plz help me curve the essay to fit the rutgers essay question
"But if Daniel were to keep writing "I", then he would seem less selfless and that quality would be nullified"
"so do you think that he should flat out write that he is self less after giving examples. for instance " i believe i am an extraordinarily selfless individual that could bring a new selfless perspective to rutgers because of the experiences i have encountered at an early age" ?"
lolz i couldnt get on to vlatski, so i made metro.. anyway jeanie plz help me curve the essay to fit the rutgers essay question
Busted...
Either you have a split personality disorder or you are lying. You presented yourself as a commentator named Mark/metrostar25 on Vlatski's post, and now you are saying that you are in fact the original writer, Daniel/Vlatski. But you are signed in as Mark. I tried to help you with this essay, but "Mark" decided to engage in argumentative playtime activities instead of bettering his work. I am no longer interested in helping you. Come up with a different name and submit another essay, perhaps we will be fooled again for your amusement.
Meanwhile, Blue skies!
Jeannie
An interesting read but perhaps a bit too detailed Try cutting down on some unnecessary.
Also I would change the conclusion sentence as it sounds a bit too simplistic. Also you may want to bring in how your volunteer experiences affects your time at Rutgers in a bit more detail.
i really like it i think its a great story and the suggestions above are good!
