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How will the realization of your dreams create a lasting imprint on society?


smoores 3 / 12  
Oct 4, 2009   #1
hi! i decided to write my own common app prompt, and this is the rough rough rough draft of my essay in response to it. please give me your thoughts, opinions, and critiques! thanks! [554 words]

Q: How will the realization of your dreams create a lasting imprint on society?

A:

Ever since youth, I have struggled to understand how my physical bones, tissues, and organs fit together like fragmented puzzle pieces to create my living, thinking human body. Concealed by my physical exterior, an intangible self lies hidden within the brain - a mysterious, fascinating part of the body, yet far too complex for anyone to fully comprehend. It is the brain that has stirred an insatiable curiosity within me, for I am not defined by my carnal body, but by my internal thoughts and beliefs. Therefore, the study of neurology is truly the study of my own being and a gateway to limitless potential, for the field is only beginning to gain momentum. My dream is to study neurology so that I can uncover the secrets of how the brain functions, tackle intractable health concerns, and pioneer new branches of research, all of which would form lasting advances in society.

The derivation of this desire to pursue an education in neurology lies in the revolutionary idea that the brain is malleable and changeable, not a stagnant machine that cannot be mended. Indeed, the implications of this discovery could lead to the reversal of previously proclaimed permanent brain damage and the preservation of brain activity amongst the elderly population, two feats that neurologists have formerly deemed unfeasible. This belief has developed into a new branch of neurology known as neuroplasticity, and in this branch brains are fixing themselves, miracles are constantly occurring, and lives are drastically changing. I wish to work in this novel area of neurology because so little has been discovered about the plastic brain and so much is left to find; I wish to make my mark upon the world by researching and curing illnesses, not merely treating them in a conventional way.

So much of the medical field is centralized upon the extension of life, regardless of the mental or physical state of the patient. However, I believe that the quality of life is far more important than the prolongation of it, for how can a life be worthwhile if it cannot be enjoyed? Many patients are fed breath through tubes and kept alive through chemotherapy and surgeries, but are unable to accomplish the activities that make existence pleasurable and significant. Although technically alive, this external subsistence does not fulfill the internal needs of the patient, and therefore does not cure the patient of his illness. The research done by contemporary neuroplasticians, however, insists that the quality of life need not be forsaken in the act of rescuing a deteriorating body. The brain, just like any other organ, can be healed and strengthened through exercise, and I wish to help others regain the mental capacity they once had through a career in neuroplasticity.

The most alluring aspect of neuroplasticity is its focus not on salvaging a broken body, but on rejuvenating it and restoring it to the height it once was. Because of the work neuroplasticians are now achieving, lives can be revitalized through psychological and neurological therapy, and this chance to give new life to someone inspires me to enter the neurological field. Never before have people born with learning disorders been able to raise their IQs to normal levels; never before have people born blind had their vision restored; never before have stroke patients had their paralysis and cognitive deficits reversed. And yet, there is so much remaining to research and inquire, so many lives that could still be affected by advances in neuroplasticity. Thus, I could not imagine pursuing a more significant career path, for no other occupation affects society in such a direct and momentous way. I believe that no greater service could be done to humanity than to promote the general welfare of society both physically and mentally, and neuroplasticity has the potential to help people of all races, ages, and genders in this capacity.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Oct 4, 2009   #2
You don't begin to answer the question until the penultimate question and, even then, we must read into what you say to extrapolate the answer. You never say directly that this is the field into which you want to go. Nor do you say specifically how doing so will create a lasting imprint on society.

So, you're going to need to cut back on the philosophical musings that begin the essay and add some specificity to the conclusion.
OP smoores 3 / 12  
Oct 5, 2009   #3
Alright thanks, that's really helpful. I had to turn a personal statement essay into my english class as an assignment so this draft turned out really rushed, but thanks for the pointers on what to edit. I feel like my essay is more informative and less personal, but I'm not sure how to add a personal anecdote or something into it...
OP smoores 3 / 12  
Nov 16, 2009   #4
UC Prompt 1 World and Dreams

This is my first draft of the first UC prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I tried to piece together my common app and previously written suplemental essays into this essay... therefore it might be a bit choppy and disconnected. Please reply with your thoughts! And soon, because the app is due in the very near future... Thanks! [544 words]

I view my world as a stage of limitless potential, upon which I can express my ambitious spirit and pursue a path that allows me to truly make an impact on society. My community today faces the garish challenge of overcoming apathy and ignorance in its citizens; thus, I feel it is the duty of the younger generation to inspire change so that society can avoid stagnation. As a first generation student to attend college, now is my chance to surpass the expectations of my community and achieve more than my ancestors would have imagined possible.

I find mediocrity unacceptable, a sentiment echoed in the examples that my parents have set through their experiences. My mother, in accordance with her individualistic spirit, left her home and family behind in Malaysia after high school to pursue her dream as a missionary overseas. Apart from everything she knew, apart from her culture and her community, my mother traveled across Europe for seven years before finally arriving in America, where she began her new life under the banner of the American dream. From her, I have learned to pursue my loftiest goals with diligence, even if I need to circle the globe to achieve them.

My father has also influenced my outlook on the future through his accomplishments, which are rooted in his personal motivation. Growing up on a family farm in Iowa, my father longed to escape from the mundane work of the wheat fields and the acres of stillness that surrounded his home. After finishing auto body trade school, he left Iowa behind and rode his motorcycle to California, where he worked and saved up enough money to open a body shop of his own. This innovative spirit inspires me to believe in the future, for my seemingly intangible hopes can be realized if supported by my best efforts.

Following in the shadows of my parents, I too dream of freeing myself from the fetters of normalcy that many others subject themselves to; I wish to achieve this through pursuing an education in neurology. My dream is to uncover the secrets of how the brain functions, tackle health concerns, and pioneer new branches of research, all of which would form lasting advances in society. The derivation of this desire lies in the revolutionary idea that the brain is malleable, not a machine that cannot be mended. Indeed, the implications of this discovery could lead to the reversal of previously proclaimed permanent brain damage and the preservation of brain activity amongst the elderly population, two feats that the medical field has been striving to overcome.

This concept has developed into a new branch of neurology known as neuroplasticity, and in this branch brains are fixing themselves, miracles are occurring, and lives are drastically changing. The most alluring aspect of neuroplasticity is its focus not on salvaging a broken body, but on rejuvenating it to new heights; the quality of life no longer needs to be forsaken in the act of rescuing a deteriorating body. This chance to give new life to someone inspires me to enter the neurological field, for through this path, I can embody the independent and pioneering spirit that my parents exemplified in their lives, while creating my own lasting imprint on society.
babylocs23 1 / 3  
Nov 17, 2009   #5
this essay is a very good start but, sometimes its better if you try to talk a little bit more about yourself and a little bit less of your parent's lives. Also, try to connect your parent's experiences with your own and try to povide examples.
Robertlatt 1 / 5  
Nov 17, 2009   #6
It is a great essay but I do not find "YOU" in your essay , I do only find about your parents , However, it is nearly flawless.
OP smoores 3 / 12  
Nov 17, 2009   #7
ok first of all, i don't understand why this essay merged with my common app essay into the same thread thing... it kinda bothers me haha.

but yeah i was afraid that i was talking too much about my parents. i really tried to focus on how they influenced me, and how that led to my own personal goals... but maybe i didn't make that transition clear enough. thanks for the input!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 18, 2009   #8
Ever since youth, I have struggled to understand how my physical bones, tissues, and organs

I think it will be beter without the word physical.

The most alluring aspect of neuroplasticity is not its focus not on salvaging a broken body, but its...

The (derivation) how about a different word here... of this desire lies in the revolutionary idea (not an idea, it is well-known fact. Fascinating, too) that the brain is malleable, not a fixed structure thatthat cannot be mended.

Sorry about the essays being merged. It is probably because of some similar content. we have to keep all related essays, or revisions of them, in the same thread.

BTW you are a great writer! I am impressed by your reflection on the body and mind. Where do our thoughts come from, you asked? Some people believe that the brain produces them, but I tend to think the brain simply reflects them as they occur in a way that does not depend on the physical structures of the body. They come from the same nonlocal intelligence that is behind the organization of elements into the shape of a body!

For you, I recommend Unconditional Life by Chopra.

:-)
OP smoores 3 / 12  
Nov 19, 2009   #9
Thanks for the advice! However, I've already submitted my final revision of the common app essay, which is why i closed the thread...

... so if anyone has input on my UC prompt, that would be fantastic! since i haven't submitted it yet. :]


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