COMMON APP - "Snake"

Not sure bout title yet but uh here it goes. Please help me out =(

Snake is possibly one of the greatest games of the 20th century. In order to excel, one must possess not one, but all of these qualities: quick thinking, determination, perseverance, and lastly, dexterous and nimble fingers. The game is simple. One is able to move a snake, which is constantly in motion, up, left, right, or down, towards the food that appears in random positions within the arena. As the snake eats the food (and gains 1 point), its tail grows longer, making the game more difficult because if the snake bumps into its own tail or the wall, it will die and the game is over.

Back in the 90s, cell phones did not have the elaborate game material it does today, but to me, the snake game on my mom's cell phone was simply revolutionary. Gone were my primitive days of tic-tac-toe or hopscotch; Snake was fast-paced and exciting, but at the same time, nerve-racking and frustrating: hardly the characteristics of your average monochrome phone game. The emotional rollercoaster this game puts a person in can be cruel and difficult to bear, which is why this game is not for the mentally feeble. But it wasn't just a game to me. My desire for the food pixel was greater than the single point it was worth.

I am a self-declared champion of Snake. I maneuver the snake efficiently around the screen with precision and skill. My hands become sweaty as the points accumulate and I realize that the stakes are increasing -- but I can't let this get to my head. The world around me disintegrates and I become completely fixated in the game until I realize, to my great surprise, that I've become the pixilated animal! Worming my way around my domain, I am in desperate and urgent search for what I've come all this way for: my food.

Do I turn left or right? Should I take this turn now, or wait a little longer? I am constantly asking myself these questions, but I cannot linger too long on the answers, for my life is in peril. The pressure to succeed intensifies as my body becomes longer and increasingly burdensome. It feels so heavy. I gradually become overwhelmed by a potent fatigue and exhaustion, but continue to move for a force drives me.

When I was human, that force was ambition and determination. I had been cursed with an unnaturally shy and introverted disposition, of which I submitted to when I was young. But as I grew older, I became increasingly frustrated with my restrictive and inflexible personality and pushed myself to change. I involved myself in a variety of activities and with each accomplishment, I was able to shed my insecurities and grow confident in who I was, and what I could be. It dawns on me that my current state as a snake does not accommodate the potential I posses.

I feel that my life is not much different from Snake: with every accomplishment I achieve, I feel that I am capable of more. Like the snake, I want to be as long as possible, and continue to exercise my potential. Snake may seem like a trivial and silly game, but to me, it is an outlet of my drive and motivation to be something more; more than what my circumstances offer, what others expect, and what my potential allows.

Please, any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated

..I think your essay is very creative... and I don't think you're required to have a title

to which I was submitted

Interesting. I like the juxtaposition between being human and snake.

This essay is clearly different, but not necessarily in a bad way. It's great to see how much you love the game Snake, but I think you are missing a big point. What is the prompt asking? Make sure you answer that, otherwise your essay will not be as strong. Also, how exactly did the video game change you?


What happened? How did you change from being insecure and shy to confident and ambitious? Maybe give an example of this... it would definitely make your essay much more stronger.

Nice job though with what you have so far. You can definitely make some revisions to add more flow to the essay.

Thank you for your comments!

anyone please?

Ok, your essay is quite creative idea. Game is not an often approched topic. It's wise to choose to write a simple game rather than a complex one. But still few problems( My Enlish is not as good as you so don't be too serious. I just want to be help)

1)


The opening need improve. What about begin with " left, right, up and down..." If you really want to introduce the game, do it in a more absorbing way.The first paragraph doesn't make sense.

2)


Don't tell, descript what was on your mind at that time.
3)


It seems you just want to tell the fact that you are an excellant studnet. You need to join this with your theme,like ...thrilling, just as whant I have experience in ...

4)I like the fourth paragraph very much. Please expand it if you like. Write about what you felt we the girl outdo you and why you want to exceed her so much.

5)Finally, I guess you forgot the your initial purpose to write this essay. The resemblance between the game and your life. I'm sorry you didn't include the idea in the second version. It's the element make your essay stand out. If you reuse the last paragraph of your first version, I will suggest a title : Sneaking Forward

If I were the one to write this, I would write in this order
1 Descript a playing game scene
2 Remember the your story with your competitor, your effort, your growth during the process
3 The resemblance of the game and your life.
4 Make an open ending, not a cliche one

Ok,that's all. I guess have to go.

Sorry, I mean creeping forward.

Hmmm . . . the "snake" game doesn't really seem relevant to the rest of your essay. The rest of your essay talks about how you like to beat other people, and were inspired to push your boundaries just to show up an academic rival. While it is good that you pushed your boundaries and did new things, your motivation wasn't really the greatest. As such, the essay doesn't put you in a very positive light. Decide what you want the essay to say about you. Then, choose an experience of yours you can narrate in detail that will show that you possess whatever quality you have chosen. This should lead you to a much stronger essay.