I've revised this essay several times and got many people to check for me. But I'm still not satisfied. Hope to receive any suggestions and criticisms possible. Appreciate your help.
Prompt:Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
I sat in front of the TV, watching the movie Sydney White. The girl made her dorky speech, won the election campaign for the presidency of the Student Council, and lived with his dorky friends dorkily ever after. I felt like I was her, because I had also in my life a dorky but inspiring friend that made me who I am today.
Watson was late on the first day of school. With everyone including headmaster staring astoundingly at him, he strutted into the school in the middle of the opening ceremony and joined us on the playground as if nothing particular happened. "What's his name?" Many people whispered. Then, on the empty seat next to me, he sat down, beamed at me and said "Hi, My name's Watson." Surely enough, almost everyone in the school scorned him as a dork. But due to my intense sympathy, I qualified as his only friend. I never imagined at that time that this very dork was going to change my life, shaping me as a determined and optimistic person.
He often spoke dorky words like "roll the earth" and did dorky things like climbing the tree in our school. However, his talent at mathematics was otherwise amazing. He received countless awards in different contests, and had a hobby for making up math questions by himself and triumphed over me every time I failed at figuring them out. At first I was indifferent to those "dorky questions" he brought up and disregarded them by claiming that they lacked logic; however, to my surprise, he took my comments seriously. He then tried to edit new questions attentively and eventually, those questions became increasingly impeccable. At last, I abandoned my obstinacy and approved his feat. When I asked him how he had stood up to my rejection, he told me with his adorable beam "I never surrender to defeat." I laughed, but I never told him that it was his unfailing determination that succeeded in immunizing me against "impossibilities".
When I was first elected as the new chairman of the foreign language association, nobody gave me respect. Seeking for a change, I started my plan by directing Shakespeare's play The Merchant of Venice, in which every member was assigned a role. However, it was difficult to begin rehearsal since most people were still indifferent to their tasks. I tried to talk to a girl but she rebuffed me by saying "Do you have what it takes to be the leader?" I was struck to silence. I was deeply hurt by those prickling words. What should I do? Am I worthless? Is it true that I am a just scared puppy in face of--------? Then, Watson's words came to me: never surrender to --------defeat. Yes, I have come a long way since the first day of my leadership. I have prepared for adversity. I knew that if I tried, nothing could stop me. That's it! I must prove myself, just like how Watson had proved himself to me! By breaking up the members into small groups and assigning each of the group with a separate task according to what they were good at, I tried to make them realize their importance as individuals as well as the power of teamwork, I hoped that each of them could be motivated in this way to do the best in order not to hinder the progress of the entire association. My wish was granted when we successfully put up the show in the end and our members became united as a team. I knew that I would experience more hardships as a leader, but with determination, I would not back off.
Since the first day I met Watson, he had always that adorable beam on his face. To him, the world seemed like a place without tears, even in the toughest situations. Once we were trapped on a crowded bus in a traffic jam after school. While most people were stamping their feet restlessly, Watson startled us by beginning to sing. "Hey, what do you think you are doing?" I whispered to him, when passengers on the bus became silent and began to stare at him. "Singing, of course. I'm trying to find something interesting to do." "Oh great, here's this dorky logic of yours again. How can you still sing when we are trapped here in this stupid traffic jam?" He beamed and said, "Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. Don't ya think?" I was shocked by his answer and could not say a word. I turned my head away, annoyed. Watson, regardless of my blame, kept on singing. The music did not stop until suddenly, before I had time to react, we arrived home! I did not believe that we escaped so quickly and realized that it was the song that helped. "Thanks Watson. You're a genius." I apologized. From then on, every one of our painful experiences in traffic jams turned into memorable moments to enjoy music and fun.
Now that I am bustling with all sorts of things in and out of school, I find it hard to have time to relax my self. But I always kept optimistic and active towards my life just like how Watson faced those traffic jams. Last term, I joined a student organization named the "Thinker's club" in my school. We discussed on topics such as the women's rights and the history of witchcraft and wizardry, which had long been my favorite subjects. It was as if I had been set free from the shackle of textbooks and finally found a chance to return to the time when Watson was here beside me.
"If you want to be an elite, just be yourself. I will be waiting to see you on top of the world." That was what my "dorky" companion told me before we went into different high schools two years ago. I will always keep a part of him with me as the long-lasting "dorky" inspiration --------for my entire life.
Overall a good essay. A couple of things, though:
You use the word "dork" or its variants enough times near the beginning of your essay to trigger semantic satiation in the reader. While it is sort of a neat effect, you probably don't want to distract the admissions officers with it.
When I was first elected as the new chairman of the foreign language association,
This entire paragraph seems out of place in your essay. It seems as if it would be better moved to nearer the end.
Thanks for the comments. Do you think if I put
When I was first elected as the new chairman of the foreign language association,
before this paragraph:
Since the first day I met Watson,
Would the essay be better?
Another thing, I don't want to be just "good", I want to be "great" actually. Ha, so if you have ways to improve this essay please inform me.
Many thanks.
I really like your essay and the content's great :D
so here are just a few grammer corrections
The girl made her dorky speech, won the election campaign for the presidency of the Student Council, and lived with her dorky friends dorkily ever after.
He then tried to edit new questions attentively, and eventually, those questions became increasingly impeccable.
By breaking up the members into small groups and assigning each of the group with a separate task according to what they were good at...
kind of ambiguous. do you mean you assigned separate tasks to each member or to each group?
a way you could make the word "dorky" seem less repetitive and distracting is you could change some of them into synonyms and leave the ones in quotations the same for emphasis.
Good luck with your college!!
