I have a test of scholarship in which I am asked to describe in my words(200 to 300) to my personal characteristics and achievements.
I made many sketches, but I feel that this is better than others, but still want to enlist the help of you.
Any suggestions will be welcome.
Thank you
I am a person who likes to be mentally healthy, have a self-esteem every day I wake up, look presentable, talk to people and share ideas make me feel good, I try to always be enthusiastic, act according to my principles when I want something I struggle to get, disorganization is something that does not taste at all, I am a happy person but not every day I wake up in a good mood.
In free time I entertain myself reading books, magazines, watching television, on the weekends going to the movies with friends or in family living, I am a versatile, extracurricular activities such as theater, dance, lectures and study groups and I participate.
I have achieved a lot in school, I think this is the place that provides motivation and experience fruitful and improved quality of the person.
The personal accomplishments that i am grateful to have acquired, are the diplomas of merit that i received for five years and also my test results from the twelfth grade.
Last year I did a study of biology in the group after a long time, while working many things not go well.
The work was worth half of the quarter note, my colleagues were sloppy, I had to do everything on my own, I was terrified at the idea of defending a work in front of 40 people, as the days went i was stressed out and cried because i knew it would be a disaster and would leave many people dissapointed.
The presention day my self esteem was low, my teammates were unprepared. The presentation was not as good, and things got worse in the defense.
In general, I think your sentences are too long. They make it hard to read, so first break it apart into shorter ones.
1st paragraph
I don't think simply listing adjectives is a good idea... You don't illustrate how you are all those things, so it sounds pretty superficial. Instead, you can choose just a few that match your quality described in your essay.
2nd paragraph
Example of breaking it apart:
I think so far my personal achievements happened at the school, because the place is where you get motivation, good experiences, a person will be better in the future.
-> I have achieved much in school. I think school is a place that provides motivation and fruitful experiences, and improves a person's quality.
You can do this to your other sentences.
3rd paragraph
The personal achievement that i am grateful to have achieved is to
Also, this part "to have distracted me from my goals" was unclear.
So, you are grateful that you achieved something that distracted you from your goals...?
I hope this helps. :)
ok thanks for your help
i will make another... :)
I do agree with the comments listed above, as listing adjectives is not so much of a good idea. Please look at my SCU
I am a person who likes to be mentally healthy, have a self-esteem every day I wake up, look presentable, talk to people and share ideas make me feel good, I try to always be enthusiastic, act according to my principles when I want something I struggle to get, disorganization is something that does not taste at all, I am a happy person but not every day I wake up in a good mood.
HUGE run-on sentence. have no idea what "does not taste" means. try to SHOW details, and the more important ones, not like looking good all the time. Do you have hobbies? are you a shy person? use more descriptive words besides happy
-I'm really sorry, but this essay is bad. you're simply listing everything and the biology thing had nothing to do with the essay. i pretty sure you had it in there for personal circumstances, but i think they're trying to look for a deeper circumstance. Example: you came from another country and knew no english, OR your family is poor, so you had to work while studying. something like that. i'm sorry this sounds harsh, but i think you need to redo the whole essay in a way that makes the reader want to meet you
You must show more and be more creative.
Hope this will help you.
You can imagine that you're a letter describing yourself. (it's just one way of writing. But if you want to tell like your essay, it's ok).
You can also imagine that you're writing your diary. Tell more about your friends. What you think about them. Or what do you think about the world, the children,...
I think these points can help you.
1/ We don't need to know that you like reading and watch tv. What we need to know is why you read? You can tell a little about your favorite book. Who wrote it? What is it about/ Why do you love it? Is is a best romantic novels? Or a Science fiction?
You can say you love reading comic books, too. ( well, if you do). But you can explore it by saying you love comic books because they're funny. They're well drawn. It's an art of creating and drawing, etc.
And also the movies. You can talk about the characters in the movies that you think it most reflects you. Or you can say that you admire the actor or director of that movie because he did this and that.
What do yo ulike about theater, art or dance? What did you leanr form taking part in these avtivities? Team work? Or did you show any leadership?
2/ They know it when you send them your scores. Tel us more about your school. Is is high competitive. Do you have many friends? Why? Do you help other students/ What does the teachers and friends think about you.
You can use this to open your essay.
For example: My friends may think that I'm .... But in fact, I'm very ...
3/ Don't mention too much about your problems. Mentin them just a little bit. And tell us how did you deal with these problems.
You don't have to mention all the three points above. You cna choose 1 or 2 of them to write about since it's only 300 words.
You can make an essay with the last point with 300 words.
