JulieRose 4 / 10 Jan 30, 2013 #1I am always dreaming. I have set a high standard for myself. When I enter college, I plan to maintain an average of at least a ninety-five. My dream is to attend Pace University and study business administration. While studying, I will have time to do what i love the most, photography. I expect to see changes in the school system that would include better programs and teachers. I would be traveling all over the world. I would donate to those people who are starving or homeless. I would start a program where you can help the homeless or helpless get a job and a place to stay. I would give speeches at high school encouraging children to do the best they can to make the best of their life.I wish to learn how to play the violin, guitar and the accordion. These are what makes peaceful and beautiful music.I plan to write several books. I feel it will be very interestingIn my school children discriminate and sometimes it breaks me but I don't let that get in the way of my dreams and goal. i won't let words against me be an obstacle. It is my motivation. My dreams may be shattered because of my financial situation. Millions of students will be applying for scholarships, I hope to be that one in a million.
Aniece 1 / 2 1 Jan 30, 2013 #2Have a better intro and begin your sentences differently instead of using (I would).I am always dreaming. I have always set a high standard for myself and big dreams for my future . Upon entering Pace University and studying buisness administration , I plan to maintain an average of at least a ninety-five. My dream is to attend Pace University and study business administration .
littleone 4 / 7 1 Feb 17, 2013 #3I agree with Aniece about using "would", I feel like it doesn't give enough to convince that you want to do those things. Also, I feel some of your sentences/ideas do not flow together; many of your thoughts are all over the place.