NTU Scholarship Essay - "My father, the one whom I look up to."

Hello everyone, I wrote this for my scholarship application to NTU and I hope that someone could give me some comments and advice on how I could improve the essay. Thank you!

"There is no other person in my life, but my father who inspired and motivated me to excel in everything I do.

My father started working at a small company once he graduated and never left the company ever since. At work, he was always earnest and dedicated. His passion for his job grew although he worked for long hours daily. When handling customers, he would remain truthful by only recommending customers quality products in the market. He expanded his knowledge on the products by frequently reading up on magazines and attending workshops. At night, he took up part-time lessons to upgrade his management skills to serve the company well.

During my secondary school days, my family was badly affected by an incident where a close friend of my father betrayed him at work which left him with the possibility of being retrenched. Despite the chaotic situation, my father always retained his composure to allay our fears. Although we thought that my father would lose his job, he never got retrenched because his loyalty to the company was recognized by the management.

He constantly reminded me that the key to success is not solely dependent on intelligence, but also dependent on diligence and being meticulous. I enrolled into the Diploma Plus Programme in Advanced Engineering Mathematics because of my strong passion for Mathematics. Even though my time was always packed with schoolwork, school events and co-curricular activities, I have diligently attended and done fairly well for my modules. During my spare time, I would also visit elderly home and plan activities to keep the elderly accompanied.

I sincerely hope that an opportunity would be provided for me to have a chance to strive and perform as a student in NTU even if I am facing challenges in the journey."

use more essential words :)

I think your essay is better than before. The changes helped it very much, but I think you need to add just a bit more personality and more to the second to last sentence.

This is my suggestion;
There is no other person in my life, but my father who inspired and motivated me to excel in everything I do.
Also I suggest you to include this as the opening sentence in your first para without having this as a statement on the top of your essay.

Well, you have given lots of descriptions about your father's character. However, I find you have not talked much about how he influenced your character. I mean, not your family, but you as a person. It's important here because the focus should be around you. My suggestion for you is to cut down from the first para and include a new para as to talk more about your experiences with your father. Second para (loosing job) seems ok.

....and he did stick to the same company.


[i]When handling customers, he was very concerned about his integrity and tried to stay truthful by recommending only the quality products in the market.[/i]


....our family faced a disaster; a close friend of my father betrayed him and put our his career into deep trouble.
Interesting essay :)
Good Luck!

Thank you everyone for your help! I've submitted my application already :)