Hello everyone!
So, this is my first time writing Self-Introduction for Scholarship Program (KGSP) and I'm aware that there will be some mistakes and lacking parts as I write this essay. Please help me in reviewing my essay because it could help me a lot. Thanks!
The essay should cover these points below:
o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea
Here is my essay:
Getting rejected does not mean the end of the world and will never be the end of the world. That was what I learn when I was missing out on my two favored university for Bachelor's degree program. It taught me a lot, not only about how to face the reality and deal with situations when they don't go my way, but also how to prove people wrong because I still can do better than what they think. Stay positive, work hard, and grab every opportunity that offers were the things I did to deal with the rejection because it could means the start of another better future.
In 2010, after the rejection that was how I found myself studying about Agricultural Product Technology. At first, I wasn't interested much to be enrolled here, not to mention how my mother was kind of disappointed with me just ended up in a local college, I also gave up on the idea of myself being a nurse or midwife as my lifetime job. Soon, it was all changed when the department chose me as one of the recipient of Excellent Scholarship Program from Indonesian Directorate General of Higher Education. It became the start of many amazing things which happen in my life. Getting the scholarship entailed me to work hard both in academic and non-academic field. During my college years, I joined several club activities (Student Activity Unit of Research and Reasoning, Student Council, and Karate), paper competitions, being laboratory work assistant (Quality Management of Food and Agricultural Product Course and Post-Harvest Physiology and Technology Course), and research assistant. Throughout the years, I realized that I'm already keen to this field because there will always be new things which could be developed in The Food issues. Thus I couldn't deny that at the same time I really work hard and have fun as well in improving myself at this University to become one of The Food Technologist.
The highlight moment in my college years was when I was being participant of Student Exchange Program to Thailand for four months. My purpose for this program was to finish project about Bioethanol Production using Natural and Commercial Yeasts from Sugarcane Molasses. During my stay in Thailand and even after I came back to Indonesia, I literally realized that although I had completed the project, it still lacking in many ways, especially in methodology and analysis of the results. Myself as the research assistant as well, I think my knowledge still not enough because I figured out that there were some areas which could be developed more. Therefore, these reasons has encouraged me to learn more deeply about Food Science and Technology and one of the ways is by getting into Master's degree program.
Korea being one of the top three developed countries in Asia has always been my choice to pursue my Master's Degree. There are so many reasons as why Korea has been my choice of destination, such as its breathtaking view, the delicious cuisine, and the unique culture has captivated me because everything seems beautiful and amazing in such unique ways. I had first discovered about Korea when I was in High School by watching some Korean dramas. Since then, I start to learn and keep on improving the Korean language through songs, variety shows, and dramas. Eventually, after a few years self-learning, I can read and speak basic conversation in Korean language though there are still a lot more to learn, especially about grammar and making proper sentences. Thus, these reasons have motivated me to choose this scholarship program to further my study.
Getting a Master's Degree through KGSP would mean a lot for me because it'd be one of the key to the professional positions which I've always wanted to be. After all, my main goal after pursuing Master's degree is to be able to work in any organization as a researcher or even a lecturer which related to Food related issues for the sake of human's welfare, health and the future. Furthermore, studying in Korea means I could get such a precious and better education than my previous education because I could study at one of The World Class University in Korea. Besides, I am always encouraged to gain more life experiences with the amazing atmosphere by studying abroad. I also believe being one of KGSP scholar will broaden my international outlook and strengthen my skills in the related field.
In conclusion, I would be honored to become one of KGSP scholar, not only due to the international experience and more precious opportunity but also it will allow me to affecting positively the people around me. Thank you in advance for taking my application into account.
Thanks a lot for the review. Here is my revision on some parts as you suggested:
In 2010, after the rejection STATE WHAT THIS REJECTION IS FROM SCHOOL YOU MEAN? BE SPECIFIC that was how I found myself studying about Agricultural Product Technologyby my favorite university Bachelor's degree program, I started studying at Agricultural Product Technology Department, University of Jember. At first, I wasn't interested much to be enrolled there. Not to mention my mother was kind of disappointed with me just ended up at a local college, I also gave up on the idea of myself being a nurse or midwife as my lifetime job. Soon, it was all changedMy turning point was when the department chose me
these reasons encouraged me to learn more deeply about Food Science and Technology and one of the ways isFood Science and Biotechnology, especially about Fermentation and Food Security matters by getting into Master's degree program and
And I need your help in this part too please:
Getting a Master's Degree in Food Science and Biotechnology program through KGSP would mean a lot to me because it'd be one of the keys to the professional positions which I've always wanted. After all, my main goal after pursuing Master's degree is being a researcher or even a lecturer which could solve Food related issues for the sake of human's welfare, health and the future. Furthermore, studying in Korea not only means I could get precious and better education, but also gaining more life experiences. I also believe being one of KGSP scholar will strengthen my skills in the related field because I could get to work with more experts and has sophisticated technology in assurance for research work.
Hi Sabrina, (Your starting lines caught my eyes, but then you ended up being too general. As I read your essay, you had a good start but then it was diverted. I edited the first three paragraphs with suggestion of adding some points. I think you have the potential to write it in a much better way. Second thing to add is your motivation behind studying Korea, what you wrote was too general to think. This doesn't gave any idea about your goal of education, immediate goal in school? how you are planning to study to achieve your goal. Also, just because you got selected for scholarship program, you cannot be interested in food science. Your essay made it look like you just accepted the things that come your way. You need to elaborate how you developed the interest and how you tried to learn more. How you see this field as a career goal? Not because you have been given this program but you are pursuing it because you want to study it. You need to be specific and write more. Looking forward to your new revision. :)
"Rejection is not a failure": I learned it when I started studying at ....Jember after being rejected by my favorite university for Bachelor's degree program. I learned to face and deal with the circumstances when they are not in our favor. I learned to stay positive, ....to grab every opportunity that life offers.
Initially, I was disappointed of being rejected and even gave up the idea of becoming a professional but soon it all changed. I was selected for the Excellent .......Education. The scholarship entailed .... ..... and paper competitions. I also worked as the laboratory ............ these years, the more I gathered about food studies, the more I became curious to absorb the vast knowledge. (I will suggest you to write more about these two jobs or the work you did that changed your perspective and the reason why you started to enjoy food issues?) I enjoyed the program so worked diligently to improve myself to .......Technologist.
The turning point came when I participated in Student ........ purpose was to finish the project based on "Bioethanol ....Molasses". During my ....... I realized that I am still lacking in my skills especially in ......results. I figured out that there were some areas(Can you mention which areas?) which ...... more. Therefore, I was encouraged to learn .......Technology. Master's degree program in ???? is a way to gain the skills and education.
Thank you in advance for taking my application into account I don't think this part is necessary
Hi. I think you will need to change a few of your sentences as I found it was very similar to my application. Please refrain yourself to just simply copy and paste from my application as it will show your credibility as a future researcher. Maybe you had the same idea as you read mine but it will be better if you paraphrase my sentences into your own sentences. Please change these sentences into another form:
- I literally realized that although I had completed the project, it still lacking in many ways, especially in methodology and analysis of the results.
- Since then, I start to learn and keep on improving the Korean language through songs, variety shows, and dramas. Eventually, after a few years self-learning, I can read and speak basic conversation in Korean language though there are still a lot more to learn, especially about grammar and making proper sentences. Thus, these reasons have motivated me to choose this scholarship program to further my study.
Thanks a lot for all the feedback @Ssakshijain @dewika and @Lynn88Mr
I really am thank you for your time in reviewing my essay.
Here is my new revision:
...research assistant. Being occupied with the lab work helped me to gain some experiences, like how to handle and maintain the quality of fresh foods in proper ways and doing analytical work in order to keep the food safe for consumption. Besides, it also developed my awareness on some issues, likely on how most traditional Indonesian farmer still didn't aware in maintaining the quality of their harvest, the importance of food safety in relation to cases of food poisoning in children, and how using renewable fuel could helping the energy sustainability in Indonesia. Throughout those years, the more I gathered about food studies, the more I became curious to absorb the vast knowledge and how I could contribute actively to the society for solving those issues.
after I came back to Indonesia, I became conscious that I am still lacking in my skills, especially in the methodology part. I figured out that there were some areas which could be developed more, such as using variety of substrates for the fermentation media and more advanced technology for the analytical methods. Therefore, I was encouraged to learn more deeply about Food Science and Technology, especially about Food Microbiology and Food Security issues. Getting into Master's degree in Food Science and Biotechnology program
The revision of 4th and 5th paragraph:
My future goal is to develop myself to be an expertise in the field of Food Biotechnology. Thus, I'm highly keen to study well, learn deeply, and become conversant with courses related to Food Biotechnology, such as food fermentation, microbial enzymology, food engineering, etc. Gaining the knowledge better will help me in applying it in real life. Certainly, the development of Food Biotechnology application in Indonesia is still behind compared to the other Southeast Asian countries. I'm hoping that by becoming Food Biotechnologist, I could contribute actively by participating in Food related issues research projects and socialize the importance of biotechnology for stabilization of food sovereignty in Indonesia.
Studying in Korea through KGSP not only means I could get precious and better education, gaining more life experiences, but also as my first step to reach my future goals. In my humble opinion, Korea has definitely settled being one of the best leading position for Higher Education sector in Asia with the BK21 Plus Project still going on until now. I also believe being one of KGSP scholar will strengthen my skills in the related field. Surely because I could get to work with more experts and the advanced-sophisticated technology and theories in assurance will facilitate me completely for the future research works as well as fulfilling my aim to become an established expert in the field of Food Biotechnology. In conclusion, I would be honored to become one of KGSP scholar, not only due to the all around global experience and such once in a lifetime opportunity but also it will allow me to affecting positively and helping the people around me.
As for @Lynn88Mr, I'm deeply sorry if there were similarities in my essay with yours and I admit that I was being ignorant here. As u can see, I've already revised my essay so I hope you'll take a notice of it. Again, I'm sorry if I wronged u in any way and make u uncomfortable.
Hi Sabrina. It's okay but don't make it habit to copy paste something. It's your image that I'm worried about. As a future researcher, plagiarism is a big issue and lots of people fail their thesis because of this. I'm just worried this small mistake will rise up as a big issue later. But as I can see here, you definitely do a good job in revising and re-writing your essay. Using your own sentences certainly makes this essay better, clearer and more concise. Good job for the work! Now, start focusing on your study plan and future plan since the dateline is nearer. I will submit mine this week. Good luck!
Hi Sabrina, I further made some changes in your essay. Let me know if you need more help:)
....... assistant. This helped me to learn how to ....foods by doing analytical .....(What kind of analytical work?) ..also made me aware about the problems/issues with farmers/farming in Indonesia. Majority of the traditional .. farmers lack the skills and knowledge of maintaining the...... harvest and the importance ....children. The science of use of renewable fuel for energy is still unfamiliar for the country. Throughout these years, .....society.
....., I realized that I am ...... .. such as usage of substrates ......This encouraged me to learn .... issues........
My goal is to ........etc. Certainly, .....countries. As a Food Biotechnologist, I will contribute by participating actively in food .... issues, research .......in Indonesia.
Korea being one of the top three developed countries in Asia has always been my choice to pursue my Master's Degree. Studying in Korea ...... education but will also gain work experiences to apply my knowledge in real world. Korea has definitely ............believe the KGSP will help me strengthen ...........technology that will prepare me completely for ......
KGSP through its global connections in sea of knowledge will help me to improve the lives of the people around me by becoming a Food.....
Wow! That's an extremely powerful essay. The rejection from 2 of your favourite universities may be a sensitive point, however you included this topic of failure in this essay in an unique way - that you learned from failure, whenever things don't go how we think they'll go. I love your ideas!!
Lovely essay!! Though, at the end, the essay was lacking the 'attention gripping stuff' which didn't in the opening paragraphs.
Overall, nice work!! Appreciate it!!
I see you also re-wrote your essay at some parts; those new paragraphs certainly are perfect!!
I wish you good luck!! Hope you get the scholarship!!
@LynnMr88: Yes..I'm aware of that..and thanks a lot for the support. I really hope both of us can meet as the KGSP scholar soon.
Best of luck for us!
@Ssakshijain: Okay..thanks a lot for the review again..it really help me a lot.
@PinkyTune: Thank you for those words..it boosts my spirit ^^b
I can't thank you enough for all your support..I'm really thankful really..thanks a lot and Have a nice day!
