We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most influenced you. How are they shaping your future aspirations? 650 words
Please feel free to edit and reword what ever is needed. This is just a rough draft and I would love to get any feedback you would like to offer.
Three and a half years old and forced to move to a new country. This might not seem like a very difficult challenge, being that I was so young, but no matter how young you are it is difficult to adapt to such a different culture and having to learn a new language. My family and I moved from Israel, a place where I had the comfort of family and roots, to America, a place where I didn't know anyone and had to adapt to my surroundings very quickly. Growing up not being born in America, I always wanted to make sure I didn't loose connection to the place I was born. My parents made sure to take my sister and I to Israel as often as possible, which ended up being most summers, so that we could see our family and friends that we miss so much throughout the year. It was hard to keep up hebrew when all around me everybody was speaking to each other in English, my parents made sure to talk to me and my sister in only hebrew so we wouldn't lose something so important. I knew English just as well as all of the other kids in my class, but I was forced to take "english as my second language" classes in elementary school due to the fact I was not in fact born here, and hebrew was the language I learned first. I did not understand why I was forced to sit in a class with people who were actually learning english, when I could speak, write and read as well as anyone in my grade should be able to.
When I got to third grade, I was put into a third and fourth grade class, there I was introduced to my new teacher that I would have for the next two years, Mr.S. Mr.S had a love for math that was contagious; being in his class I learned that math was something that came to me naturally and something that I loved to do. I loved figuring and working out problems, and I loved getting the answer right. Although I already knew I was good at math, I never realized that it was something that I could use in my future. Being young and seeing what others around me loved to do I aspired to become a singer, an actress, or an artist; very quickly I realized I was horrible at all of those things. Something that never even crossed my mind at the time was using that love that I had for math and making it into a career. Thinking about my future I never even thought of the possibility of going into the medical field. Once I grew up more I saw that I really could use my knowledge and love for math and science and do something that I could actually be good at, and succeed in. Without Mr.S as a teacher I would never have seen the potential I have, in something that I want to build a career out of. Although I am leaning towards the science fields rather than the mathematical fields, if I had never grown my love and appreciation for math in that class I would never have seen how much you could do with the two subjects that you are never shown through society to strive to be a part of. Being a female and not knowing of any female scientists or mathematicians, I only saw being an actress or an artist as a possibility. Although those are careers that some people shine in, I could see from a young age that that would not be something I was good at. I loved to perform but I do not have the natural talent or connection to it that I have now with math and science.
... I would never have seen how much you could do with the two subjects that you are never shown through society ...
what does you refer to?
i cannot understand with this sentence.
if it refers to youself, why don't you use subject I? or if it refers to other people, you better use others as well.
do you have any achievement in the subjects? it is better to put it on. i mean, have you ever won a math competition or something like that. so we do not only know your enthusiasm in the subjects, but you can also show what you have achieved and done with the subject.
in overall. i love to read it. your essay is pretty good. your sentences are beautifully arranged.
i hope it is useful for you.
Mai, as much as I loved reading your essay it seemed to me that it has a lot of sentences and information that are not necessary to the essay. I say this because, as much as the essay is looking forward to your academic success, the journey, the challenges you faced and all there is to know about the process you've been through, it does not mean that you have to elaborately write them in full detail, grade by grade, a good summary of every stage such as primary, secondary and the next will suffice the needed information the essay wanted to add and to read in your writing.
Moreover, it will also not help that you are lacking self confidence in what you will become and in the dreams and aspirations you have. Don't forget that what you have written is a representation of yourself, so be confident, as what they say, put your best foot forward and you will the rewards of your good work.
Now, when you do the revision, focus on the positive input on your essay, a good summary of your academic journey as well as your future academic success.
I hope to see the revision very soon.
