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'I thrived at my job'; How my program benefits me and I benefit it - scholarship essay


ninakarrin 1 / -  
Jun 24, 2016   #1
Once upon a time, I actually had no interest in getting a postgraduate degree. My original plan for academia was to finish my undergraduate degree and then ease my way into the real world through the job market. However, the reality was that I loved education and I wanted to continue on, but my decline in hearing during college affected my confidence on pursuing anything more. Despite my hesitation with school, I thrived at my job. Within two years of working, I was promoted three times until I found a leadership role that suited me and helped me realize I had downplayed my potential to the point of missing out on something better. I am very proud of my professional achievements and the skills that I have gained through my work experience such as confidence, responsibility, and prioritizing. I used all three skills to change the direction I was taking my education and made school my top priority, which is why my greatest academic achievement is receiving my Bachelor's Degree. I've taken advanced placement courses and done independent studies to develop the ability to self-motivate and work independently while my promotion to associate trainer allowed me to incorporate sociolinguistics into my daily life while also working as a team leader.

Having a postgraduate degree in English Language and Linguistics from the University of Sheffield would enhance my prospects when applying for jobs by giving me a more in-depth understanding of language, more specifically the social and anthropological aspect. Sheffield is an award winning institution that is widely recognized and respected allowing me to stand out amongst a crowd. This education along with my work experience grants me opportunity to be a well-rounded speaker and to become a respected professional. My success in the program will showcase my commitment, dedication, and ability to learn new skills and ideas in the future. Ultimately I want to make a difference with language the way someone made a difference to me when I was in speech therapy, and I trust that Sheffield is the best place to equip me with the tools needed to be the difference.

I bring many useful skills to The University of Sheffield which is why I am perfectly suited to the English Language and Linguistics program as it is to me. I have maintained a leadership role in my current job that has equipped me with maturity, focus, failure, and engagement; these are four important qualities needed to be successful in any situation. I have been told I have a warm responsiveness to others that helps me to thrive in culturally diverse settings, making me approachable and easy to speak with. I also hold maturity in the way that I deal with failures, whereas I use to get caught up on messing up or "failing," now I see it as a lesson learned and move on. my focus is stronger than ever and I make sure to read daily so that my mind stays sharp and ready to take on anything. The University's plan to educate others and ourselves and to learn by doing so, thereby improving the world follows along closely with what I believe as well. In sharing in similar views, I would be able to continually carry out the work of Sheffield globally to further encourage cultural and economic vibrancy.

I am committed to growing as a student and a scholar and expanding my ideas to better impact the world. I am My contribution to the university knows no bounds, I chose The University of Sheffield because of the work they are doing and the mission statements that involve responding to environmental challenges and forwarding social justice that they stand by and I am dedicated to carrying on those same values.
Hiddengrace 6 / 118 68  
Jun 24, 2016   #2
Hi Karrin! Welcome to EF!

I think your essay is really well written; I didn't notice any major mistakes in grammar, usage, punctuation, etc... I or another EF member/ contributor can make some edits if you'd like.

However, I'd really like to comment on the content of your essay.

skills that I have gained through my work experience such as confidence, responsibility, and prioritizing.

My success in the program will showcase my commitment, dedication, and ability to learn new skills and ideas in the future

have maintained a leadership role in my current job that has equipped me with maturity, focus, failure, and engagement

As you can see, you are doing a lot of listing of skills, but you're not really describing them or showing us how you got them or why they are beneficial. Simply telling the reader you're all of these things won't do anything if you're not backing it up with concrete images and evidence. For example, you say you were promoted and in a leadership position at that job. What was the job? What did you do that utilized those skills of prioritizing, confidence, and responsibility. Even one or two sentences about leading a team and what your responsibilities were and how you succeeded would effectively demonstrate those skills. Since this essay is all about how you have thrived at your job, going deeper into how you did so would be great.

With "maturity, focus, failure, and engagement," you explain these things a little better. But I think it might be effective to dig even deeper. How have you shown these things in the past specifically. For example, "I have a warm responsiveness to others that helps me to thrive in culturally diverse settings. This has helped me to succeed in xx job (or at xx company) because I was able to yyy (explanation here of how you used the skill).

Also, I'm not sure how well your opening works. Talking about how you were not interested in graduate study might turn your reader off. A more effective opening might be to discuss how you needed speech therapy as a child and why you want to become on yourself. It showcases your motivations well because you discuss wanting to make a difference and that's great! I think it makes you stand out.

Good luck!
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 24, 2016   #3
Karrin, here's my remarks on your essay. You can see the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through the feedback given.

1st paragraph:
- Once upon a timeSeveral years ago, I actually had no interest in getting a postgraduate degree. (I think "once upon a time sounds a bit like a narrative text)

- I'veI have taken advanced placement courses and done independent studies... (contraction(s) makes your essay less formal. You can avoid using it.)

2nd paragraph:
- Sheffield is an award winning institution that is widely recognized and respected. Thisallowingallows me to stand out amongst a crowd. (I think it is better to split this sentence)

- Then, this type of education along with my work experience grants me...
- Ultimately, (comma needed) I want to make a difference with language the way someone made a difference to me when I was in speech therapy, and I trust that Sheffield is the best place to equip me with the tools needed to be the differencedifferent .

3rd paragraph:
- I have maintained a leadership role in my current job that has equipped me with maturity, focus, failure, and engagement. These are four important qualities... (It is also better to separate this sentence.)

- I have been told that I have a warm responsiveness to others that...
- My focus is stronger than ever and I make sure... (mind the capitalization)

As seen, your essay is actually well-written. Slight improvements towards some parts of the paragraph would strengthen the essay. Good luck in revising this essay. :)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jun 24, 2016   #4
Hi Karrin, indeed WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, just like you who aspire for excellence, us here on EF strive to provide you the most accurate and valuable modifications towards your essay. We collate all necessary aspects of the English language in order to showcase the possibilities of enhancing your essay.

Further to the enhancement of your essay, please find my help below;

- Once upon a time, I actually hadHonestly, I have no interest in getting a postgraduate degree.
* Once upon a time - is used in creative writing such as story telling, fables or fairy tales, in this formal essay, this particular phrase is not appropriate.

- My originalThe plan for academia
- wasis that I loved education
- and I wanted to continue on ,
- onin pursuing anything moremy education .
- suitedsuits me and helped me

There you have it Karrin, the above corrections are pretty minor, I believe the ideas you have has transpired in your essay. However, for future writing reference, mind the flow of your ideas, avoid cliché phrases or if you do make sure that they are appropriate and in conjunction to your sentence.


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