Please offer me suggestions on how to improve my essay!
My interest first started in a place that is seemingly unrelated to healthcare: computers and robotics. In it, I developed a love for systems of various parts working together in an amazingly perfect manner.
This played a key role in forming my fascination with healthcare when I ended up studying Anatomy and Physiology as one of my subjects for Science Olympiad. As I was studied, I was riveted by the perfectly systematic, almost designed manner in which the parts of the human body worked together, like clockwork-or rather, like computer-work, I noticed.
After noticing the parallels between robotics and the human body, I sought the connection out further in biomedicine. I learned about the prosthetics, pacemakers, and nanobiotechnology that melded computers and medicine together, that used impersonal systems to help in personal, life-changing ways.
As someone who also found joy in helping others, I had been seeking for a way to help others in a more meaningful way than the common soup-kitchen volunteering and helping special-needs students at school, on the way. In my search, I had founded a club that combined my interests in computers and service, where we fixed and donated computers to the underprivileged. However, after going to Ecuador on a humanitarian effort trip, where I shadowed surgeons while they worked, I realized that medicine was the most meaningful way to give service; biomedicine was perfect for me, as a combiner of my love for medicine and my love for people.
Discovering careers in healthcare and learning about the how healthcare works is critical for me in my journey to learn to apply computers and robotics to it in biomedicine. I believe that, with its various and robust activities to help expose students to aspects of healthcare, the NM Discovery Program is the best way for me to get the experiences and knowledge that I need.
Hi
Very good essay
But I think you can improve it and here are my suggestions;
My interest first initiated in a circumastance that was seemingly unrelated to healthcare.
In it, I developed a love for ... => In that area (field) , I developed a inclination to systems that contains various parts while working together in an amazingly (astonishingly) perfect manner.
As I was studied, I was riveted by the system perfectly (I cannot understand the meaning of this part )
that used => the use of
I am not a professional rater
Hi Lee!
My interest first started => My first interest
As I washas studied,
I hadhave been seeking for a way to help others in a more meaningful way (...) students at school, on the way.
I had foundedfound a club
after going toI went Ecuador on a humanitarian effort trip,
