"Where there is will, there is a way" - my motto. Self introduction for KGSP

Hello. This is my self introduction letter for KGSP 2017.
I need some advise because I don't have much experience about writing essay.
Please, help me improve. Thank you

Circumstances in which I grew up

I was born in 1994. When I was 3 years old my parents went to Korea to work. So I was raised by my grandmother, and my parents returned in 2006. Right now I'm living with my parents and my younger brother who is 9 years old.

In my opinion my grandmother established today's me. I am outgoing, modest and hardworking person. I have been participating in social activities a lot. For example, I entered ballroom dancing competition, and mathematic, physic and other subjects competition in general education school. When I was in university, I was in responsible for secretary of class, member of debate club and organize debating and speech competition in the university.

My life motto is "Where there is will, there is a way'. I had proved it to myself because I participated in lot of competition. Competitions that I prepared was turned out very well, in opposite if I didn't prepare it the results were bad. My biggest competition was "The 18th National Accounting Competition" which is held in the 4th year of Mandakh Burtgel University. Participating in this competition was the one of biggest goal I had, because this competition verify the most successful student in accounting study field. 3rd year of university I hadn't prepared well and I dropped out. And next year I decided to try hard and I prepared very well so it showed very good result.

I think life is about choice. We can't have anything we want. If we choose something on the other side we lose some other thing. So main thing in life is make a good choice. But how we know was it good or not. In my opinion, It'll depend on how happy you're now, and how much do you regret. There is nothing easy in life, choices can be wrong. It can't be right all the time. If we learn from our wrong choice and won't make same mistake again it means we are improving and learning new things.

Life is very unpredictable and full of opportunity. And I don't want to waste it. This scholarship is one of the biggest opportunity in my life. In my opinion disappointment try is better than not trying

We'll live once. So I try to live without regret, but I think this is impossible. I hope the choices that I choose will be a good. I wish when I turn sixty or seventy, I'll be proud of myself because I will be done everything that I want.

Life is not easy.

o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
I was entered in elementary school when I was seven years old, and graduated high school in 2011. After that I entered "Mandakh Burtgel" university's Banking economy-accounting class and graduated in 2015 spring. Now I'm working as an accountant at "Altan Joloo Impex" LLC.

When I was in last year of high school, I decided to get bachelor degree in Mongolia, and get master degree in abroad. Because studying in abroad will be advantage for my career opportunities, increase my language ability, meet new culture, national and make a life experience.

I couldn't afford to learn in abroad by personal finance. So I was looking for a scholarship and, first time I knew about KGSP in 2011. At that time I was 1st year of my university, so I decided to submit my application this scholarship after I graduate.

o Your motivations for applying for this program
Comparing other scholarship program this is scholarship has lot of offers.
Advantage for study in abroad:
•Language- study foreign language, improve language skills
•Life experience- personal development
•Explore new culture, meet a new surrounding, and see the world
•Career opportunities
•Globalization
These will be a big investment for my future

o My reason for study in Korea:
1.I always wondered about Korea because my parents were working in there. When I was kid I wanted to know about what kind of country are they living? And it continued my interest in Korea became huge and it's number one country I want to go.

2.Korea is one of leading country of its development.

Azzaya, first of all, do not write this in an outline form like you have now. The presentation of this self introduction letter, even in draft form, must be in the form of an essay. If you present it in outline form, you will not be in accordance with the required format for your essay. So change the presentation to create a fluid presentation of information that uses the correct transition paragraphs or sentences in order to connect your thoughts and words.

That said, I will admit that the first part of your essay, pertaining to your personal background is an excellent attempt at responding to the prompt. The part about your education needs to be presented properly. Don't start from high school. Expand upon your college education instead. As for your work experience, it cannot be a single sentence. You need to elaborate upon your professional experience as well. That means, you need to discuss the very first position you held and then narrate the other positions that you held until you reached the position that you have today. From that point, you can connect it to your reasons and motivations for applying to the scholarship. It should not just be something as simple as you wanting to study abroad. What is the reason that you want to study abroad? In Korea specifically? The response should be related to your line of study or problem you wish to solve in your line of work.

Your presentation of your reasons and motivations is a mess. You cannot use bullet points in this manner in a formal essay. This is a narrative, not a school project. I strongly suggest that you read the current examples of the KGSP self introduction letter that are posted on this forum at the moment. Learn from the presentation of others and try to reflect the same sort of presentation in your own essay.

@Holt Thank you very much
I will change part which is need to rewrite

@azaa1428
Hi! You should write it as a whole essay, like a text with 4 - 5 paragraphs so you can explain and develop each topic in a paragraph. In your education and work experience paragraph, you should write more about your bachelor degree, the awards you got while studying or any personal achievement. For example, you can write about the courses you took and which one had a major impact in your life that made you decide to take a master program. And also, don't forget about your work experience if you had any and explain how it helped you to be a better professional. For your reasons and motivations to apply, I think they are too general and not really related to the master program you want so maybe do some research about your major in Korea to complete those topics.

Hope it helps!

Dear Azzaya, Shouldn't you introduce yourself more structurally?

1. Name
2. Your nickname
3. How old are you?
4. When was you born?
5. Where do you live?
6. Whom do you live with?
7. What are you doing now?

Hopefully, I give you good inputs at least.

Hi @azaa1428
Be careful with your grammar and collocation. As I read through your essay, I find a lot of inappropriate expressions which could be written better.

. . . my grandmother established today's me (can you find a better phrase?) . . .
. . . For example, I entered joined ballroom . . .
. . . which is was held in the 4th year . . .
. . . prepared well and I dropped out. to "drop out" means to leave the school before you finish it.
. . . my opinion disappointment try is better than . . .

and there are more. Please re-read again after you revise your essay. Hope this helps.

Hi @azaa1428

I think you should mention some improvement from 2011.
Say what you realized from previous one. Why do missed that scholarship.

I think it could help the university see your effort with this program. But, do not tell as main story, just tie in some paragraph !!

@d2ny
Wow thank you
This is very helpful

Hi @azaa1428

Please observe proper grammar and punctuations. Whenever you're starting a new sentence, end the sentence preceding it with a period instead of a comma. It will confuse your reader. Also avoid unnecessary phrases that is not needed.

Hope this helps. :)

@Holt
I rewrited my self introduction.
I still don't sure about how to start and how to end my essay.
Please take a look again.
Thank you.

I was born in 1994. When I was 3 years old my parents went to Korea to work. So I was raised by my grandmother and my parents returned in 2006. Now I'm living with my parents and my younger brother who is 9 years old. In my opinion, my grandmother established today's who I am. I am outgoing, modest and hardworking person. I have been participating in social activities a lot. For example, I joined ballroom dancing competition, and mathematic, physic and other subjects competition in general education school. When I was in university, I was in responsible for secretary of class and member of debate club and organize debating and speech competition in the university.

My life motto is "Where there is will, there is a way'. I had proved it to myself because I participated in lot of competition while I was studying in undergraduate university. Competitions that I prepared was turned out very well, in opposite if I didn't prepare well the results were bad. I think life is about choice. We can't have anything we want. If we choose something on the other side we lose some other thing. So main thing in life is make a good choice. But how we know was it good or not. In my opinion, It'll depend on how happy you're now, and how much do you regret. There is nothing easy in life, choices can be wrong. It can't be right all the time. If we learn from our wrong choice and won't make same mistake again it means we are improving and learning new things.

I was entered in elementary school when I was seven years old, and graduated high school in 2011. After that I entered "Mandakh Burtgel" university's Banking economy-accounting class and I graduated in 2015 spring. As I mentioned before I was secretary of class. So I was in charge of organizing my classmates for university's social activities and other competitions besides academic study. During my undergraduate study, my biggest competition was "The 18th National Accounting Competition" which was held in the 4th year of Mandakh Burtgel University. Participating in this competition was the one of biggest goal I had, because this competition verify the most successful student in accounting study field. 3rd year of university, I hadn't prepared well and I couldn't even pass 1st stage. And next year I decided to try hard and I prepared very well so I selected one of 5 students who are represent university and we won bronze medal for team and I distinguished TOP10 personally. This result gave me lot of encourage and confidence. In undergraduate university, I got more knowledge and beside that as an individual I became more responsibility.

Now I'm working as an accountant at "Altan Joloo Impex" LLC. At first, I was in charge of recording sales and inventory. After working 6 months, I started to present tax reports and financial statements. This work helped me to improve as a professional accountant and confirm my education about what I learned from bachelor degree. Although after I entered job I developed my personal knowledge and other individual skills, I realize that I still have lot to learn. So it reminded me that when I was in last year of high school, I decided to get bachelor degree in Mongolia, after that study in graduate study in abroad. Because studying in abroad will be advantage for my career opportunities, increase my language ability, meet new culture, national and make a life experience. I couldn't afford to learn in abroad by personal finance. So I was looking for a scholarship and, first time I knew about KGSP in 2011. At that time I was 1st year of my university, so I decided to submit my application to the scholarship after I graduate Mandakh Burtgel university.

Life is very unpredictable and full of opportunity. This scholarship will be one of biggest opportunity in my life. And I don't want to waste this opportunity because it is provide with full scholarship and studying in Korea will be a big investment for my future.

I always wondered about Korea because my parents were working there for about 10 years. When I was kid I wanted to know about what kind of country were they living and working? So my curious in Korea became increased year by year and it leaded me to interest in Korean TV programs, dramas and songs. Because of these I continued to learn about Korean culture and language. As more to know more I wanted to go Korea and me most known country after Mongolia is Korea.

On the other side, Korea is one of leading country its development and its environment. Studying in there is like to kill two birds with one stone for me. Because I will get high education with scholarship in developed country that I always wanted to go.

You mentioned that your parents worked in Korea for 10 years. Don't waste the opportunity to increase your motivational statement in terms of why you want to study in Korea. What work did they do there that kept them there that long? What did they tell you about Korea and how their life was there? Would you consider your parents experience and stories about their life in Korea one of the main reasons that you wish to go to Korea to study? That is a very important piece of information that should be expanded a great deal in this essay. It shows a direct Korean connection between you, your parents, and the country you wish to attend masters studies in.

In the paragraph about your professional experience, remove the later part about how you came to discover KGSP and that you always wanted to study abroad, etc. That is already a given since you are applying for this scholarship. The list of required information is not even asking for that. So don't bother with presenting it. That is the most irrelevant portion of the paragraph. Instead, explain what you feel your lacking abilities are in the performance of your work duties and relate that to your desire for a masters education.

If you improve the points I presented above, the self introduction letter should come closer to a final form. It will be a more relevant and improved version. I look forward to reading the revised essay soon.

@Holt
okey thank you

@Holt
I have a question.
You advised me to write about "What work did they do there that kept them there that long? What did they tell you about Korea and how their life was there?"

Actually my parents worked there illegally and work in factory or cleaning service etc.
Is it okey to mention these?
But they always say that living Korea is very nice.

If they worked illegally in Korea but are no longer there, then you can mention that they worked in Korea without going into further details about their employment. It will be safe to discuss it because they are no longer in the country and so their possible status as visitors / residents / employees there will no longer be questioned. However, if they are still in Korea and are still actively working as undocumented workers, then you should not mention the Korea connection because it might have a negative effect on your application or their stay in Korea. The decision when it comes to that will depend upon you. Had I known about the situation of your parents, I would not have made the suggestion. My suggestion was based on the idea that they were in Korea legally. Sorry about that.

@Holt
Thank you
They came back from Korea about 10 years ago.
Since then they are living in Mongolia, So that is not much problem.