Learning nationalism through activities in education, youth, and Indonesian culture

Essay for a government scholarship

I am applying for a master degree scholarship sponsored by Indonesian government named LPDP.
There are three required essays that I must submit in the application, and here is the first essay:

My Contributions for Indonesia

Learning nationalism through activities in education, youth, and Indonesian culture is the form of my contribution for Indonesia. Since I believe that every Indonesian put a large amount of effort for the country development with their own ways. For instance, in Jakarta, there is a president who contributes with his leadership. Then move hundreds kilometers to Kertapati, South Sumatera, where there will be a farmer who tries to fulfill the rice stock for his village.

As a student, I was not only learning, but also teaching. Started from my freshman year, I shared my knowledge by being a tutor of Mathematics and Science subjects for the teenagers in my neighborhood. I also worked as an English teacher at one of the biggest English course in South Sumatera in the middle of 2016. Every end of the semester, my students showed me their report books. Moreover, their parents also told me about their children improvement in studying.

Besides education, I contribute to the community by actively involved in youth activities and organization. "Volunteerism is the best way to pay back the community" is the principal that drives me to participate in volunteering projects. It was started from being a volunteer at the local community named Ruang Bebas Baca, I then joined many other activities arranged by local organizations in Palembang. Hence, in August 2015, I and my other two friends became the initiators for the establishment of World Merit Indonesia chapter Palembang (WMIP).

Today, WMIP has succeeded executing projects in realizing the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs). Some of the projects are free mask sharing, environmental workshop, teaching children in the dump area (TPU Sukawinatan), Global Bake Sale for charity, scholarships seminar, including free blood donation and dental check up. I learned a lot about the current issue in the society in every project. Furthermore, I also realized that there are still many people who care and eager to work together in improving the life quality in Indonesia. Since there are numerous WMIP's projects which are the result of the partnership with other organizations and related parties. Surely, WMIP is encouraging youth to pay back the community they live in.

Unexpetedly, I gained a deep understanding about nationalism when I became Indonesia representative in the United States as an exchange student. I promoted Indonesian culture by doing presentation and joined the Angklung team at many events on and off campus through an organization called International Culture Team. My active participation is my way to promote Indonesian culture to the people in Fayetteville. They are more interested in our culture now. Furthermore, upon my return, the Angklung team is not only consisted of Indonesian players but also international students.

All my dedication in education, youth movement, and cultures are linked one another preparing me to do more impactable contributions for Indonesia soon. Including to fulfill my responsibility as LPDP scholarship grantee. After the study completion, I would be a geotechnical lecturer who would improve the education quality in my region. As South Sumatera is lacking geotechnical experts. I would also make scientific recommendation for infrastructure projects, particularly for the soil investigation works.

Besides the university, I would participate improving the life quality of the society through my involvement in social projects. Together with local community and organizations, I would make volunteering projects focused on education such as scholarship assistance, youth educational forum, discussion, and local exchange. All the projects would be possible to realize through the completion of LPDP scholarship.

(586 of 700 words)

any inputs are welcome. Thank you!

Putri, in my opinion, the first part of your essay is weak. The first two paragraphs doesn't really impressed the reader with information that encourage him to keep on reading your essay. If you start off immediately with your chapter of the organization instead, you create an interesting hook that tells the reviewer that you embody the ideology of the scholarship and that you have the ability to continue promoting Indonesia and also, contributing to it's social and civic development based upon this direct experience. The last 4 paragraphs are really strong and impressive. What you can actually do is just revise your presentation in order to better utilize the 4 paraphrased at the end to become the total essay you will be submitting with your application. You don't really need the unrelated and not interesting at all first 2 paragraphs in this instance.

@Holt
Dear Holt, may I ask you something? I'm applying for study permit, I need someone to review my study plan. Could you please give me your e-mail so I can ask you some questions?

@hmd Unfortunately, I am not allowed to give my email address to the forum users. That is a security precaution to protect the contributors privacy and our computer systems. I understand your concerns regarding publicly posting your letter here. The only way I can work with you directly and privately is if you avail of our private services. I can help you with your letter there, without opening your letter to public scrutiny at the forum and silence any plagiarism concerns you might have. Just click on the services link above and choose the name Mary among the preferred writers. That the name I use for private consultations at the forum. Be sure to check the box next to " This it's an admissions essay / personal statement" and attach the file for review. Send your questions as well. You will be placed in direct contact with me there and we can work on your letter privately at that point. Please consider signing up for the service if you really want to work privately with me.

@Holt
Thank you, Holt, your advice did improve the essay!
I would also love to use the private service for my second essay since it will be more personal.
my second essay with the title 'The Biggest Success in My Life' will reach you soon.