The entire prompt is in the title and, as you can probably tell, very vague (with a word limit of 600). I am an MA International Relations graduate student at a Japanese university. My focus is on on Cultural and Tourism Policy within Japan, East Asia, and the US. As most of the scholarships are provided by the school and the government, I'm not sure if this is a competitive essay and/or if I should elaborate on the ways in which my goals can contribute to the school / country. I've been looking over this so much that I can't really tell if the train of thought is clear so any advice on ways to improve on structure, clarity, and content is much appreciated. Please don't be reserved as I am in desperate need of funding.
PS. I have a bad habit of run-on sentences.
The essay is as follows:
social unrest and cultural backlash
If 2016 signified the rise of populist authoritarian governments, as demonstrated by BREXIT and the Trump presidency, 2017 is transpiring to be a year marked by social unrest and cultural backlash - from the terror attacks on European cities, black shootings and white supremacist rallies in the United States, to the growing resentment towards ill-mannered Chinese tourists worldwide.
My goal as a graduate student at XYXY is to combat this current fear of diversity and trend of nostalgic nationalism by examining ways in which popular culture and tourism can be used as a cultural policy instrument that can alleviate, and possibly bridge, the exacerbating rifts between communities and identities. In particular, I would like to focus on Japan-East Asia-US relations in view of Japan's national demographic challenge and immigration reluctance.
Within this area, I want to explore the tensions between Japanese residents and Chinese tourists juxtaposed by the popularity and high consumption of Japanese pop culture products by Chinese; the controversial South Korea-Japan comfort women agreement versus the reciprocal cultural exchange that ensued from the Korean Wave; and Japanese adaptation of American culture contrasted with negative perceptions towards non-Japanese, often derogatorily labeled 'weeaboos', who express an interest in anime culture in the States. In short, I wish to evaluate ways in which popular culture as a collective experience can unite and divide despite socio-demographic factors, in order to develop a sustainable outbound and reciprocal inbound pop culture-based tourism policy that can foster better mutual understanding between Japan, the East Asian cultural sphere, and the United States. The intention being, to encourage Japanese social receptivity to globalization and comprehensive foreign interest in Japan as a competitive destination for relocation, through increased, accessible, and enjoyable cross-cultural exposure.
As I lack the analytical skills, knowledge of international relations and politics, and historic understanding of Japan and the East Asian region needed to transition into a career in cultural and tourism policy research and development, I endeavor to undertake coursework offered by XYXY's team of expert and multitalented faculty. In particular, I want to focus on coursework that will allow me to contextualize popular culture and tourism policy as a foreign diplomacy tool, understand the role of history and culture in shaping state and non-state international cultural relations, and formulate potential solutions to social conflict via cultural policy.
On a more practical note, I intend to dedicate my time at XYXY to learning and becoming fluent in Japanese as to obtain a richer understanding of my research area, develop my own perspectives towards acculturation in Japan and the Japanese linguistic learning experience, and acquire a skill essential to my career goal. Being in Tokyo in the lead up to the 2020 Summer Olympics is a very unique opportunity, and I aim to study in real time the proposal and implementation of upcoming policies concerning language and cultural preparations, incorporation of pop culture elements and ambassadors, and promotion of Japanese heritage and diversity inclusion. Furthermore, I hope to actively participate and gain real-world working experience by undertaking an internship and attending related cultural tourism conferences.
Ultimately, I wish to acquire an extensive blend of experience, education, and insight from XYXY and Japan to add to my existing repertoire of Western and East Asian experience. Through which, I hope to offer a unique, cross-cultural approach to international negotiations, collaborations, and development that redefines cultural policy as reflective of a singular collective experience, but that of multiple ways of life. All in all, I would like to become a cultural heritage professional specializing in Japanese pop culture diplomacy and cultural tourism, and how it can be used to navigate and negotiate stronger understanding and relations between East Asia, Japan, and the US. (614 words atm)"...Within this area, I want to explore the tensions between Japanese residents ... culture in the States.(...)"
This sentence could really be split up. I know you're trying to convey a lot of information with a limited amount of space, but I think that putting so many ideas in one space might confuse the reader.
I wrote an example paragraph that might be a good replacement for that whole paragraph ("Within this area...cross-cultural exposure.") which would demonstrate your knowledge of this topic, but it is very descriptive (which you may not want).
During my time at XYXY university, I would like to explore the various ways in which popular culture spreads between populations regardless of the tensions among them. For example, in China, Japanese culture is reaching a surprising level of popularity despite Japanese hostility to Chinese tourists. There has been a similar phenomenon in South Korea, where a cultural exchange with Japan ensued from the Korean Wave, even with the terrors of war still fresh in their minds. (I'm not familiar with this part of history so feel free to edit this sentence as you wish.) America has had a slightly different, but equally interesting experience in adapting to Japanese culture. While Japan has embraced the introduction of American culture into their society, Americans who express an interest in anime culture are often derogatorily labeled 'weeaboos.'
And since you already stated your intention in the previous paragraph, you can take out "In short, ... cross cultural exposure." If you wish, you can elaborate on your intent in the second paragraph, but otherwise you would be repeating yourself.
I'm certainly not an expert on essay writing, so I would take others' comments into more consideration but I hope that this may help you.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Lydia, I understand that you were trying to go for a hook to bring the reviewer's attention to your application. Unfortunately, you gave your application a politicized tone in the process. As a student of international relations, you need to be apolotical in your presentation because your main goal is cooperation, unity, and stabilization of the world on a global scale. These factors cannot be achieved if your mindset takes political sides. Remember, there is no real winner in a political discussion, only hurt egos and bruised moral beliefs. That is why, in my honest opinion, I believe that you should remove the references to Brexit, the Chinese tourists, and Pres. Donald J. Trump in the opening statement. Your second paragraph actually works quite well to display the focus of your goals as student and in fact, best relates with the overall presentation in your essay. The political tone that you set at the start comes across as sensationalist and doesn't really hold true for the rest of your discussion, which doesn't relate to those incidents. By keeping your discussion on general terms, you come across as an open minded, adjusted, and true student of international relations. You don't see political sides, only a misunderstanding regarding race and diversity. Your goals are honest and pure. You already know about your problem run-on sentences so you need to correct those portions. The essay is going to be more competitive if you remain apolitical in the discussion and only focus on the goal of a stable peace in the region of the world of interest to you. Being political doesn't work in this sort of application because you might be misconstrued as advocating for only political point of view alone. You should try to avoid that sort of misconception that could stem from the presentation of your essay.
@Wulf Thanks for the tips and sample paragraph on breaking down that horribly long run-on sentence. Really good idea starting with a summarizing topic sentence and then listing the examples in following sentences, hopefully I can fit it all within the 600 word limit.
@Holt Ah, that's quite a serious presentation blunder, thanks very much for pointing that out. You're right in that I was trying to stand out from the sea of applications but I absolutely don't want to be misinterpreted as an uncompromising, left-wing advocate. Will definitely be cutting down on the run-on sentences.
