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I truly want to explore Korea the best way possible - Scholarship essay


domjim 1 / 1  
Sep 28, 2017   #1

Personal Statement for Korean Government Scholarship



Hi, I'm Claire, I'll be applying for the scholarship this year, and obviously they require a personal statement.
I know this can be kind of personal, but I really want it to be perfect, so I would really appreciate if you take a look to it.

I know it's very long but if you could help me with one paragraph or sentence here and there, It'll be more than fine . Oh, and don't be scared of being too harsh!!

Thank you :)

They are asking for specific things like, although I tried I think I didn't include all of them :
Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Family and Education background
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant
influence on you.
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

I have always been accustomed to significant changes in my life as someone who grew up in multiple cities. Living in Colombia, I traveled, learned, and had a lot of fun every time my family, and I moved to a new place. Obsessed with the thought of wanting to know how the world works and the desire to want to understand and help people by putting myself in their shoes, I always knew that the career of Political Science was going to be on the way to my final goal becoming a lawyer. However, by moving from city to city I began to notice how different people who were just a few miles away from me can be. So eventually, I realized the immense diversity of cultures that I didn't know, and my dream of wanting to learn more about what surrounds me, extended beyond the borders of my country. From a young age, South Korea's culture has always been the one that has attracted me the most. I feel that although it is strongly influenced by American culture, it still has its roots deep onto its proud history and culture. It is for me fascinating the level of respect that people have for each other. This was one of the main aspects that made me fall in love with South Korea; food is the second one, of course. Now, traveling to South Korea to see and experience everything I've learned with my own eyes, has changed from being a dream to being the first goal on my list of things to accomplish.

I come from a single income family from the capital of Colombia, but I practically grew up on the coast of the country in Cartagena de Indias. My parents are also from the capital, and my father who is in the engineering industry was always assigned to different cities throughout Colombia to work. So I was raised by my mom more than anything, and sometimes when we moved with my father, by both of them. I did most of my elementary and middle school years in the cities of Bogotá and Bucaramanga before moving to Cartagena de Indias, where I stayed to finish my high school in three different schools. My father has always been a very hard working person. This is why I mostly only have memories of him taking every chance of work that has come to him in search of stability for our family. After having tried for many years, that opportunity of a stable life in the United States was given to him. Thus, when I graduated from high school at the end of 2015, we were able to move to the city of Houston in The United States.

Although my father brought us to this country in search of better opportunities for me and my younger sister, I have had problems finding them. We as a family took many risks coming here, and my education was one of them. I was really hoping to have many possibilities to improve my professional career with a very high-quality education. However, this has not been the case, and although there are scholarships and financial help available for students, studying in the U.S is much more expensive than what I thought. A career in the field of law here is much longer than what it would be in Colombia, therefore, more expensive. This is without considering the extra tuition fees that I am charged for being an international student. Also, my immigration status represents an impediment for me as it limits me from taking advantage of financial help or work in the U.S. Since I'm the oldest daughter in the family, my father still has to take care of my sister's education. So I am afraid my education in the U.S is not something my family can continue to afford, and I am now in need of other educational resources.

Whereas change for me was not very hard when I lived in Colombia, nothing will ever compare to packing my bags and moving to another country, the U.S., leaving everything I knew so far. Moving was so sudden that I barely had time to say goodbye to my family, which contributed to my harder adjustments of this new life. When we got here, I had a very poor English, which did not serve me well, but even so, I was still the one with the best proficiency in my family. My dad started working early in the morning until early hours of the night, so I had to learn to take care of myself and accommodate my family. Since I was still going to be living in America, I really didn't think that the cultural barrier would be very strong, and I kept thinking that even a few weeks after we arrived. However, after a while, it was very hard to ignore how disoriented I felt because the culture shock I experienced was immense. It was something I had never felt since I didn't know anything about what was around me, and that was very frustrating. I couldn't do simple little things, like order food in a restaurant, ask for directions or even talk to people. I was so busy trying to take responsibility for the adaptation of my mom and sister in this new life that I began to isolate myself, which rapidly led me to feel homesick. However, the whole situation made me grow very fast as a person with a more global perspective, and soon I began to find everything completely fascinating. I realized how closed my mind really was to other ways of thinking, and how I did most of the things in my life unconsciously, routinely. Of course, being in high school is something that makes it a bit difficult to escape from routine. Nevertheless, while I was in school I always thought that my routine would continue even in college: get up early, attend classes, go back home and repeat this every day until my graduation. Then, get a job and if I was doing well, travel the world. I never had the initiative to see beyond my comfort zone.

This is why living abroad is something that has made me free of photocopied days. I became conscious of every little thing I did and see. Thus, my to-do list only kept getting bigger and bigger, and being as consistent as I am, in less than a year I did my best to learn English and adapt myself as fast as possible. So when I felt I had a good base in the language, by Fall of that same year, I continued my education at San Jacinto College going for an Art Associate in Political Science. Now, I really enjoy challenging myself to see how far I can go, which has led me to improve academically every day. It would be a lie to say that I had no problems, but fortunately I have been able to adapt in this aspect very quickly.

Since then I have done nothing but to look forward with hope. Thanks to my persistence I have been named to the XX College Dean's List for my GPA of 3.9, honored with membership in the International Dean's List Society, and awarded in the college's Psychology Expo for outstanding excellence on my "Stigma and Schizophrenia" poster. In my senior year of high school, I did 80 hours of volunteering with senior citizens, and when I entered college, I also successfully volunteered through my Freedom Fighters Humanities class with the XX food pantry.

The time I've been in college has been totally worth it and has served me to really improve my skills in every possible way in order to prepare me for a more competitive and changing environment like the one of South Korea. Going to classes I will not only learn about the courses of my major, I'll also learn more about the history of the country, its culture, people, and language. In this way, studying and living in the country I truly want to explore is the best way for me to get know a culture I've long loved and respected.
TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Sep 28, 2017   #2
Hi, the instructions say your essay should include the list of things, so I think you need to stick a little bit closer to the instructions. The great majority of your essay seems to be about your family background, but instead you need to focus more on the second aspect - talk about the risks you have taken and people who have affected you. The idea is not to give your entire life history, but to focus on those events and achievements that have formed your character or displayed your strengths. I would lean towards deleting the whole third paragraph - to me it reads like you are settling for going to college in Korea because you can't afford to attend school in the US, which is where you really want to go. I am not saying that is how you feel, but that is the impression that paragraph gives me and so might give the scholarship committee.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4772  
Sep 29, 2017   #3
Claire, you will need to delete this whole essay and write a new one for a number of reasons. The first reason, is that your motivation for study regarding the course and the reason you want to do it in Korea is not clear. Let's get one thing straight, if you want to become a lawyer in the future, then studying in the United States, where you will eventually have to attend law school and practice the profession in, would be the most logical choice. However, you are opting to study in Korea simply because you like the food and feel like you have a sense of respect for the people there. That is not a motivation for your desire to study there. It does not indicate an academic desire that will prove that a Korean education will suit your needs as a political science student. You need to discuss the politics of South Korea and how it has inspired you to become a lawyer if possible.

You have turned the rest of the essay into an extensive autobiography. Review the prompt requirements and respond to each prompt accordingly. You should not take more than a paragraph or two to accomplish the task. Right now, I feel like i should be asking your family members clarification questions regarding your statements. That should not be happening if you are properly responding to the prompt on a per topic basis.
OP domjim 1 / 1  
Oct 1, 2017   #4
@Holt
Thank you so much, you're totally right I didn't realized that is how I pictured everything. I really sayid a lot of things to king of just fill the pages. Since I also have to make an study plan regarding all the things about my career and my study plan to improve the language and adapting to the culture, I wasn't sure of what to say here. But thank you so much! I'll correct everything.


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