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Every moment and stage of my life had been a meaningful journey that led me as a successful leader


joellekim92 1 / -  
Oct 29, 2017   #1
Hi, could you please help me to proofread this essay?
Thank you so much:)

Leadership & Influence question-Chevening Scholarship



My life is special than anyone else that I've known. I personally believe that every moment and stage of my life had been a meaningful journey that led me as a successful leader. Born and grown up in South Korea, I always dreamt of being the difference in the communities that I belong to. Throughout various settings, roles and responsibilities given, I have truly learned and demonstrated the skills of being a leader. Being a teacher, cell group leader and president of church youth groups allowed me to learn more about giving positive impact to the others.

One of the biggest moments that brought me up to be a leader was in the second year as a teacher. Back then, I was an assistant expedition leader of a wide range of nationalities of more than 10 as the school is an international school. When I reached the airport, we were all panicking since our expedition leader could not join us the trip due to her expired visa status. The trip had to carry on and I eventually led the group of 100 students by making sure everything goes smoothly. As a leader, I constantly updated the chat group to ensure the schedule went as it planned and improved teachers' communication and management skills via reflection sessions at the end of each day. Not only the expedition but also hearing from my students on how I, influenced and inspired them to learn and do more allowed me to realise their strong trust upon me. I remember one of the comments that moved me dearly was when the student told me that they began to like the subject after attending my class.

I believe leadership doesn't only apply in the field of professionals but also in a minor society or community that I live in. During the weekends, I serve Korean church community as a bible cell group leader. Currently, my role in the community is to prepare biblical message and activities for an ample sharing session for my group members. This role is not only time-consuming but also serves as a spiritual and emotional guide figure to the members. Once when I was a president of the youth group of around 50 Koreans, our community planned to initiate a voluntary activity whereby we share the food to the homeless in the street aiming to spread the love of God. On top of that, we had planned to organise a flash-mob in front of the shopping mall. At first, the majority of youth group members were not willing to join in. Hence, I contacted them individually and created a mutual timetable where I could check the common time for a preparation session. Eventually, we were able to organise, start preparing the event and ended successfully! I would like to end with a quotation hoping to be a great leader in my country.

If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, become more, you are a leader.-John Quincy Adams.
izo_218 1 / 1  
Oct 29, 2017   #2
The first sentence has a grammatical error, which really stood out - You need "My life is more special than ..."

Also "Bible" and "Biblical" should be capitalized.
"... field of professionals, but also in a minor society or the community in which I livethat I live in."

"... with a quotation hoping to befrom a great leader inof my country."
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,801 4780  
Oct 30, 2017   #3
Kim, do not focus on grammar changes for now. There are too many content problems with your essay which will change the way that you have the essay written. Since the content will change, the need to edit the grammar in the essay is negated. That is done at the very end, when your essay content contains its final information for presentation. It is not done mid editing of the content.

Since the Chevening leadership and influencing essay is based on your ability to prove that you have the potential to lead and influence people towards becoming positive members of your country within a professional setting. The final paragraph of your essay focusing on religion should be removed. Chevening is a non-sectarian scholarship program and as such, does not give much weight to leadership experiences in a religious or church setting. While it will not weaken your application, it will not carry the same weight as you believe it does in your presentation. The effect of that presentation will be negligible at best. So it is best not to present that portion at all in your essay.

In the first paragraph, rephrase the reference to "cell group leader" as that has a tendency to be misconstrued / misunderstood to have terrorist leanings. Word usage and formation is also of extreme importance when you write these essays. One wrong reference and you could end up on a terror watch list. So remove that reference. While I know it means something innocent to you, the connotation of that term in public means something else so let's not test the waters regarding the popular meaning of that phrase within your application.

Do not mention that you are a president of church youth groups either for the reasons previously mentioned in relation to religion. Instead, just present your definition of leadership as you have come to understand it in the performance of your duties as a teacher and assistant expedition leader. The definition of your leadership should always be based on a professional setting. So unless your profession is actually being a pastor, priest, or something religious, those discussions should not factor into this essay.


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