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"School Bells " - kindergarten essay


tonybtony 1 / -  
Feb 16, 2011   #1
Chapter 4: School Bells

Turing five years old and knowing that it was time for me to begin school already I was really scared to. I didn't want to wake up and go to school and not be with my mom all morning but I just had to suck it up and go. In the first day of kindergarten I was sad but also excited at the same time because I was going to meet new friends and I was going to get to play with them during recess. I remember walking with my new back bag, they were the ones that had to two little wheels so you wouldn't have to carry it. As I was getting dropped off and hearing my mom telling me bye I started to cry.

Being really close to my mom I didn't want her to leave me there. Her and my new teacher, Mrs. Flores were having a hard time getting me to stay there. After they saw that I wouldn't stay my mom had to stay there with me threw out that whole day. It was really hard for me to get used to staying at school everyday. Being a child of my two parents that only knew how to speak Spanish it was really hard for me to learn English. I had my friend Emanuel that I met that year in Mrs. Flores's class. Until this day he is still my close friend, him and I would always like to get in trouble a lot. My mom being the one that wanted me to do good in school she would get me in so much trouble for not paying attention in school.

Going into the first grade was a very great year; I still had my friend Emanuel in the same class and then my new teacher, Mrs. Barajas. Still not knowing very good English they had to put me in a special class so that I could get better at speaking English. They would come like during eleven A.M and take me out of class. One of the fun things about the first grade was having a desk that you could put your things in it. I loved my desk a lot that I would always keep it very clean and also organized. That year in October we had our Halloween festival and that was a very fun thing. They had a lot of games to play and the scariest thing was the haunted house that the school would make. It was my first time that I was going to enter a haunted house and I remember my friend Emanuel and I were waiting in line to go in. Being really scared we had my mom go in with us so we could hug her when they would scare us. All that I remember once we entered the haunted house was just hearing a lot of screaming going on and seeing pure black because I had my eyes closed the whole time.

I wasn't a very big fan about school; my mom would have a very hard time trying to get me to wake up in the morning for me to go to school. After the years passed and I was already in the third grade I was already used to waking up early all the time. I still had my special class to learn how to speak English but by that time I already knew I can accomplish anything that I set my mind to.
KathyLala 20 / 116  
Feb 16, 2011   #2
Here are some suggestions, but there are more punctuation that you need to pay attention to such as commas and dependent and independent clauses...
=>Turning five years old and knowing that it was time to begin school, I was really scared.
=>I remember walking with my new backpack, which had two little wheels so I wouldn't have to carry it
=>She and my new teacher, Mrs. Flores, were having a hard time getting me to stay in the classroom.
=>After they saw that I wouldn't stay, my mom had to stay there with me
=>It was really hard for me to get used to attending school everyday<=you don't have to repeat "stay" again and again use "attending" instead

=>Being a child of my parents =>I guess you don't need to say two parents because when you write "parents"=two, "parent"=1

=>Being a child of my parents who only knew how to speak Spanish was really hard for me to learn English.
=>They would come around eleven A.M and take me out of class
=>put your things in it=>"thing"?=pencils, note books, backpack,=school materials (don't use things, discribe them)
=>he and I....(not him and I because he is used as a subject)
=>First grade was a very great year
=>Still not knowing very good English, I was put in a special class so that I could get better in speaking English
=>In October we had fun Halloween festival. School offered a lot of games to play and the scariest was the haunted house.
=>I remember as we entered the haunted house, I could only hear screaming because I had my eyes closed the whole time
=>I wasn't a very big fan about school=>not clear meaning = I was not excited going to school?
=>...and when I was in the third grade, I had already used to waking up early every morning
=>I still had my special class to learn how to speak English but by that time I had known I could accomplish anything that I set my mind. (OR I could accomplish my goals)
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 25, 2011   #3
Great edit, Kathy!

I wasn't a very big fan about of school; my mom...

Antonio, notice that Kathy corrected your spelling of "Turning" (You left out a letter).

Try using those corrections Kathy offered, and let's see a new draft. Or maybe you have some more of the story. Is this part of an autobiography?

You should try to express a THEME that will give the story meaning. What is the concept that this story is about?
KathyLala 20 / 116  
Feb 25, 2011   #4
Hi Susan, Thanks for your comment. (Here, I want to share with you my personal) I often check back after my post to see if there are some better ways of revision so that I can learn better. Believe it or not I have been failed my writing test 39 times. I'm so ashamed and angry with my failures. Eventhough my scores have been improved since I joined the forum, they are not yet met the required score. Kevin, a moderator, suggested that I should write, type at least ten times for every incorrect sentences that had been corrected. I did as what he suggested. However, I couldn't memorize all of my corrections. Angry with my failures, last month I changed my job from a full-time to a part-time just to read these crazy English grammar. The more I read the more I realize I haven't known any English, but now I able to laugh when I read this sentence "Being inclined to bark, whine, have embarrassing accidents, and noisily lick themselves, students should not bring their dogs to class." I hadn't realized what wrong with the sentence a month ago. Nevertheless, I enjoy reading from many writers in this forum, and I also learn from them. I still work on how to write a good conclusion because that is my weak part in writing the essay. I hope I can get help too! Thanks if you have reading my sharing
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 1, 2011   #5
, type at least ten times for every incorrect sentences that had been corrected.

Yes, and in addition to that, you should speak the sentence aloud. That is how to immerse yourself in the correct grammar.

I am so surprised that you did not score well.

Being inclined to bark, whine, have embarrassing accidents, and noisily lick themselves, students should not bring their dogs to class. dogs should not be brought to class.---I changed it so that "dogs" is the subject of the sentence. Is that what you had in mind?

This is a well-constructed sentence:
Angry with my failures, last month I changed my job from a full-time to a part-time just to read these crazy English grammar books.
I added "books" because "these" makes it plural.
Or you could do this:
Angry with my failures, last month I changed my job from a full-time to a part-time just to read this crazy English grammar.

Hey, to be honest, the way you write has fewer errors than most people... even people who grew up speaking English.
What is this test you failed 39 times?
KathyLala 20 / 116  
Mar 2, 2011   #6
Hi Kevin! Thanks for encouraged saying that I don't have much errors
This is not my writing,=>"Being inclined to bark, whine, have embarrassing accidents, and noisily lick themselves, students should not bring their dogs to class." Someone gave and challenged me what wrong with it a month ago. I was stuck, I really didn't know what wrong with it. Nevertheless, now I laugh out loud when I read it because, absolutely, students cannot bark and lick themselves. I failed CBEST writing, which is a required test for candidate teachers. There were three portions, but I passed two, which were math and reading 6 years ago. I will retake the exam next month, there are always two essay topics, one is an argument, the other is naration. Sometimes I passed one essay, but the exam requires passing two essays at the same time. However, lately I feel very low confident. My heart was pounding and beating hard; my hands sweated when I was given the exam. My head mentally popped up the word "FAIL", and my mind went blank. I am afraid of my next exam if I have the same eposide
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 8, 2011   #7
Nevertheless, now I laugh out loud when I read it because, absolutely, students cannot bark and lick themselves

hahahah, you are great. Well, students can do those things, I suppose.

However, lately I feel very low confident confidence.

I am afraid of my next exam if I have the same episode---Maybe that will happen, but you are still really great. I hope you send a message here to be set up as a contributor, and that will make it possible for you to put EssayForum on your resume. You have helped so many people that anyone will be impressed when they see what you have done here.

So, if you fail again, that is okay.

But for the argument section, be sure to "refute the counterargument." Google that if you do not know what it means.

For both sections, use PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES that express the main idea of each paragraph.

one paragraph = one idea
one essay = one big idea

KEEP THE SENTENCES SIMPLE!!! That is the way to pass.


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