Since the original thread is closed, I would like to post my essay on the same theme in order to be checked.
Do you agree or disagree with following statements?
Telephones and emails have made people's communication less personal.
Over recent years the communication technologies have been developing with great speed. Their rise
came to make communication faster, more accessible and more efficient. Telephones and emails are just small part of the whole process.
In order to make an instant voice contact with the person you want you have to make a phone call. The signals are transmitted by wires which effectively gives you opportunity to connect in long distances. In the same way, emails and Internet have made sharing information much easier through broadband or wireless connection. Despite the fact that we are physically separated from each other, through technologies we have the great possibility to give a call to our best friend or send our homework via email.
However, the big success in information technologies causes society problems between teenagers and people in generally. For example, children have become alienated from each other. In particular, they prefer getting everything easier through Internet than to make an effort to achieve it. As a result of this expropriation some of the children suffer from rejection.
In fact, the same complication can be seen in other seams of society. Even so, these are just few of problems caused by the fast technology development. Sadly, they are all socially connected.
In my opinion, information technology progress is a big step in Human 's developing. Besides that, it's an evidence for people's evolution. And it's not just the the information. Successes have been made in other aspects of science, technology and biological researching. However,those achievements are not warranty for better society. In spite of the fact that everything I've said before is happening and we cannot just close our eyes. I agree that telephones and emails have made people's communication less personal. On other hand I would like to add the fact that we can share and send messages and information almost instantly. Somehow, those complication could be the price we have to pay.
In addition, telephones and emails made our lives easier and communication faster and more accessible, but they took part of society too.
In conclusion, human 's progress is favorable. It's society that causes the problems.
I have some ideas
=> Despite the fact that we are physically separated from each other, through technologies we have the great possibility to give a call to our best friend or send our homework via email. (I think this is your essay thesis in the intro to tell your readers what your essay is going to be about, so "possibility" sounds to me not so strong, I would change to some other words such as, benefit, opportunity, advantage...)
=> The signals are transmitted by wires which effectively gives you opportunity to connect in long distances (I would omit this sentence because I suppose everyone knows how a telephone works)
=> In particular, they prefer getting everything easier through Internet than to make an effort to achieve it. As a result of this expropriation some of the children suffer from rejection.
("everything" is not so clear in your example. The description would be easier to understand; e.g., "when students have a group project, instead of meeting in persons, they chat through the online messenger")
=> Information technology progress is a big step in human 's developing (delete "In my opinion")
It is hard to find grammar error in your essay, but your agruments are not so supported. Somehow your ideas in boby paras conflict with your intro
You got some great ideas from Kathy, here...
I'll make a few suggestions, too:
In my opinion, information technology progress is a big step in the process of humanity's development.
In conclusion, human 's progress is favorable. It's society that causes the problems.----I think I agree! But when you say this, you can offer one more sentence to help explain exactly what you mean. Be specific when you tell how society causes problems.
:-)
Thank both of you for the constructive criticism. I'll have in mind all your suggestions. By the way, English isn't my natural language so I'm currently in phase of improving it. ^_^
