Hi, all
I am preparing ielts test, this is my practice for IELTS task 2, I will be very appreciate if you can help me correct my essay, thank you in advance.
People nowadays are more easily influenced by fashion, especially on their clothes and hairstyle. What factors lead to the phenomenon? Is it a positive or negative trend?
All too often, we have seen and continue to see people, especially youths, wearing various strange clothes with odd haircuts hang out on the street. If you cannot help asking them why they dress up like this, they would say, "It is the fashion, which is the most popular things currently, unfashionable means out of date". Fashion is not a new vocabulary, people would like to follow other person they respect in action, appearance and even the way of speaking since ancient. However it seems easier for individuals to be affected by fashion at present. I believe the rapidly developing economy and communication technology is the major reason that result in such phenomenon. In modern society, thanks to the economic prosperity, people are getting richer and richer, thus they have extra money and time to pursuit everything they like including fashion. Furthermore, along with development of technology, modern communicate equipments, such as television, mobile phone and internet, are getting more and more popular than ever before, while bringing us much convenience, it also provides advanced conditions for transmission of fashion.
Obviously, we are able to benefit from this trend. First, it has made our life more colorful, imagining how tedious our society would be if all people are wearing decent style clothes. Second, international trend of fashion stimulates development of economy and promotes cultural interaction, it is more easier for people to learn how their counterpart live and dress through what is popular in other country.
However, in the other hand, there are also many drawbacks. In the first place, fashion changes so frequently that pursuiting fashion blindly would waste our precious money and time. Moreover, many people, especially those adolescences, lack the ability to recognize what is real fashion. They are apt to develop bad habit such as smoking, taking drugs, once they believe they are fashionable.
In my conclusion, fast developing of economy and technology make people all over the world easily to influenced by popular things, however each things have two sides, we should try our best to take good use of its advantages and put greater emphasis on and counteract its negative effects on young people.
have a question:
is it formal to "first....secondly..."
It is okay in formal writing, but I hate it! People should not say "firstly" and "secondly"... but that is just my opinion! :-) I think it is better if you can introduce a paragraph in a more creative way. Actually, I really just hate the "ly." It is okay to say "First, ..." and "Second,..."
All too often, we have seen and continue to see people, especially youths, wearing various strange clothes with odd haircuts
as they hang out on the
street.
Do this: could---> would
can---> will
If you cannot help asking them why they dress up like this, they will say...
----- see what I mean?
First, it has made our lives more colorful. Imagine how tedious our society would be if all people are wearing decent style clothes. ---I changed this so that it would be suggesting to the reader that she should imagine that tedium.
All things have...
Each thing has...
In
my conclusion, the fast developing of economy and technology make people all over the world easily to influenced by popular things, but each thing has two sides, and we should try our best to make good use of its advantages and counteract its negative effects on young people.---I made a lot of changes here.
:-)
