Title: In a cooperation of team, the people who cannot accept criticize wouldn't be successful.
Could someone help me revise the following passage? THX!!
With the ever-accelerated pace of modern science and technology, people's ways of living have been greatly changed. Dramatically unlike our ancestors, who settled in the same region, living in a way of self-sufficiency, contemporary people require working with others, holding with the same goal, sharing their emotion, facing the similar difficulties, in turn conquering them and attaining their communal goal. Therefore, when speaking about whether refuting other people's advice is equal to failure, I personally advocate such idea.
To begin with, if people deliberately neglect other teammates' suggestions, it means they lack the courage to face their weaknesses. As a result, they are destined to be losers. After all, those who are willing to inform you about your mistakes demonstrate they appreciate you as their real friends. Meanwhile, they must experience the torture whether to admit your mistakes or not because they are afraid of harming friendships. But, they insist their innermost, holding the attitude for their friends' own good, and eventually attempting to communicate with you about their thoughts. Thus, if one turns down their recommendations, it in turn indicates he or she loses an improving opportunity and also breaks friends' hearts.
Moreover, failing to adopt other people's advice further reveals their poor adaptation toward cooperative living. In such situation, it also points out their uneasiness toward the entire society. Just as songbirds migrating together seeking for protection, working in the way of cooperation has the ability to provide shelters for every individuals, assisting them accepting the social roles, orbiting their actions veering to the norms. For instance, according to criminological research, the majority of young criminals assert that they are discarded by their teachers and beneficial friends because they refute to accept their critics. So, it sounds that by committing crimes, attracting the attention from the society, would help them regain the sense of accomplishment. Consequently, if one gets abandoned by his or her cooperators, it is equal that he or she goes astray form the routes to success.
Moreover, considering the normal forms of working pattern is cooperation in the same project. After all, unity guarantees strength. For a person to survive in the fierce social competition, it is barely for a person attaining his goal without other coworkers' assistance. Take a nation's president, for example. Under the supports of his advocators, he gains the opportunity to approach the highest position and authority in a country. But, on the other hand, if he fails to accept suggestions from his people, he is bound to failure. People have the rights to determine their own leader. And, such phenomena are pervasive around the entire society. In a sense, the government resembles the team work, and the people who are capable of taking advice from others will benefit tremendously from this approach.
In a nutshell, only through confront one's drawbacks, following the social principles could one accomplish his or her own dream, becoming successful.
I think that correction will help a lot, Annika!
I see one more change that needs to be made to the last sentence:
In a nutshell, only through confronting one's drawbacks and following the social principles can one accomplish his or her own dream of becoming successful.
Therefore, when speaking about whether refuting other people's advice is equal to failure, I personally advocate such idea.
I think this sentence is too complicated. Let's simplify it!
Therefore, it is important for people working in cooperation to be able to accept criticism. It is a way to achieve success and not an indication of failure.:-)
