In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money..

I'm preparing for the Toefl Writing task and need you guys to give me some advise.

here is the question:

Do you agree or disagree w/ the following statement.
In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at young age.

here is my work:

Whether people should learn to manage their own money at young age in order to become financially responsible adults is widely discussed. Many people feel that it's not necessary to learn at young age. However, I strongly contend that people should acquire the financing knowledge at a young age for the following reasons.

Among the numerous reasons supporting such a claim, the most critical one is that it can help children grow an appropriate financing behavior. That is to say, it can help them prevent from wasting money. Generally, children don't work, so their allowance sources are from their parents. If their parents give them too much money, they might be spoiled and form a bad spending habit. Thus, they could not make both ends meet when they grow up.

In contrast, there is the viewpoint that children will learn how to finance their spending by life experience. To further elaborate, when they start to work, they will learn to manage their own money by themselves. Thus, parents don't have to teach their children how to deal with their allowance. However, according to research by various statistic reports, in Taiwan, the majority factors of parricide and rubbery are due to lack of money and most of the criminals have a bad spending behavior. Some of them are spoiled at a young age and others lack in learning to manage their own money when they are young.

In sum, although there may be dissenting views, we can safely come to the conclusion that most young individuals ought to be taught about how to manage their own wealth at a young age. Otherwise, they might not become financially responsible adults and some criminal problems will still exist.

I believe that for children to become financially responsible adults it is very important for children to manage their own money. and for the parents to not give in if they run

out of money that way they feel what its like to not be able to get what they want when they want it.

This sounds a bit stereotype beginning. You should make it more interesting for the reader :)
It is important that we should manage our money wisely in order to lead a good quality life. Some people believe it is better to train children to handle money from a young age. I too agree with this view.

Begin your intro with a hook, then tell the background of the issue and finally state your opinion. That's the approach I suggest.