Yulis, what is the complete prompt for this essay? It will be easier to review the essay if we knew what the specific requirements are. Anyway, I can tell that you have a very strong opinion on the matter so I will be reviewing the essay from that angle.
Let me just say that if not for some grammar weaknesses on your part, you will have built a very strong essay based upon your experience with co-ed education in your country. That said, I will do my best to help you correct the grammar and I hope that I am able to keep the essence of what you want to say as well.
I agree that the universities open many subjects [...] which are usually the subjects for male only.
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While it is nice to read your opinion on the matter so early in the essay, you needed to rephrase or restate the prompt first. You know the basic rule of essay writing, always restate the prompt. Without it, your reader will not really know why you are discussing a certain matter in the essay. Your thoughts seem to be getting lost in translation as well so let me try to give you a hand with this.- I agree that universities should open up their subjects to an equal number of male and female students because the increased number of enrolled students will mean that students will be enrolling in subjects that truly interest them. Removing the limitation on the number of students or gender of the students that can enroll in a certain class will level the professional field for all future workers.These days, most of universities in Indonesia especially, [...] doctor and physical therapist for female only.
- Yulis, you seem to have misunderstood the prompt at this point. You are not being asked to discuss the limitations on enrollment in certain classes because of gender. The basis for the essay is that the schools allow both genders to enroll in the same classes. It is just that there are more men or women enrolled per class. So the discussion is whether the university should encourage an equal number of students to enroll per class. It has nothing to do with gender limitations pertaining to the classes.It would be best for you to rethink this part and form a new opinion or supporting paragraph for it.In the fact, most of female students like with the subjects [...] join it and they can do better and women.
- Again, this is not about gender limitation or discrimination. This is about increasing the rate of enrollment in universities by encouraging an equal number of male and female students to enroll for classes. What benefits can be had from that? Why is it important to encourage an equal number of male and female students per class? Those are the evidences that you should be presenting.Overall, the universities should increase more quote for some subjects like in above. So, the students will have more spirit to study.
- Why are you introducing a new idea in your conclusion? You know that is against the conclusion writing rules of the essays. Just restate the prompt, repeat your opinion, and summarize the facts.