'Overall, there are two type of cocoa after pressed.' - IELTS Writing Task 1 : Chocolate Bar

somasalims 15 / 27

Dec 16, 2014 #1

The figures reveals the process of how a chocolate bar is produced and the price of a chocolate bar which is allocated into five different sectors. Overall, there are two type of cocoa after pressed. They are cocoa butter used to make chocolate bar and cocoa powder sold to food industry. Moreover, most of the chocolate bar price is allocated to supermarket, and ingredients and overheads.

The first step to make a chocolate bar is to grind the cocoa beans in order to produce cocoa liquor and residuals. The residuals is wasted but the cocoa liquor is used to make chocolate bars and then is pressed to get cocoa butter and cocoa powder. The cocoa powder is purchased by food industry while the cocoa butter is mixed with some cocoa liquor and sugar as well as other ingredients in industrial chocolate. Finally, the mixed materials yield chocolate bar.

Next, the price of a chocolate bar is divided up to only 4% for farmer producing cocoa beans. On the contrary, supermarket gets almost 35% of the price. It is approximately same with the proportion for ingredients and overheads, 37% of the price. Furthermore, 10% and 15% are what the government (tax) and the chocolate company get each.

ayulia 3 / 8

Dec 16, 2014 #2

Let me to give suggestion to your essay,
the use of number in proportion (37%,34%,15%,10%,4%) maybe can be replaced with other words like less than fifth, get the lowest proportions to avoids repetition.

akhfan 5 / 9

Dec 16, 2014 #3

The first step ~~to make~~ in making a chocolate bar is to grind the cocoa ~~beans~~ seed in order to produce cocoa liquor and ~~residuals~~ .

Residuals are not produced. It is the waste material in making chocolate bar.

OP somasalims 15 / 27

Dec 17, 2014 #4

Thank you guys.

fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49

Dec 17, 2014 #5

Hi Soma Salim, here are several suggestions for you

Subject Verb Agreement

The figures reveals the process

it should be = the figures reveal

The residuals is wasted

it should be = The residuals are or residual is

there are two type

it should be = there are two types

you can change

10% = one in ten
4% = a small minority of ...
15% = less than a fifth
35% = more than a third

The cocoa powder is purchased by food industry while the cocoa butter is mixed with some cocoa liquor and sugar as well as other ingredients in industrial chocolate.

==> While subject verb, subject verb or ==> Subject verb, while subject verb

tiaDS 73 / 235

Dec 17, 2014 #6

The figures reveals the process of how a chocolate bar is produced and the price of a chocolate bar which is allocated into five different sectors.

The pictures illustrates how to chocolate bar is processed, while the pie chart compares how the price of a chocolate bar is allocated into five different sectors. The allocation price of a chocolate bar is measured in percent.

It is noticeable that the methods of chocolate production differ in the final stages, which are made a chocolate bar and delivered into food industry. In terms of price of a chocolate bar, cost of ingredients and overhead records the highest amount although farmer receives the lowest price in allocation this price.

It is approximately same ~~with~~as the proportion for ingredients and overheads, 37% of the price.

SHanafi 120 / 415

Dec 18, 2014 #7

The figures reveals the process of how a chocolate bar is produced and the price of a chocolate bar which is allocated into five different sectors. Overall, there are two types of cocoa after pressed. They are cocoa butter ( It should be a punctuation ) used to make chocolate bar and cocoa powder sold to food industry. Moreover, most of the chocolate bar price is allocated to supermarket, ~~and~~ ingredients and overheads.

Separate your intro and overview
some issues : plural singular, punctuation and subject-verb agreement.
This is a "petite" mistake. They means plural, but you just explain about cocoa butter.

The first step to make a chocolate bar is to grind the cocoa beans in order to produce cocoa liquor and residuals.

The process starts when the cocoa beans grind to produce it's liquor and residuals.

The first step to make a chocolate bar is to grind the cocoa beans in order to produce cocoa liquor and residuals. The residuals is wasted but the cocoa liquor is used to make chocolate bars and then is pressed to get cocoa butter and cocoa powder. The cocoa powder is purchased by food industry while the cocoa butter is mixed with some cocoa liquor and sugar as well as other ingredients in industrial chocolate. Finally, the mixed materials yield chocolate bar.

Use strong verbs instead