I have read both of your essays and this one has been improved a lot.
various local languages are becoming extinct.
become can not be used for V-ing, so you changed it into are being driven to the edge of extinction.
As the usage of these languages decrease,
not "decrease," it should be "decreases."
As the usage of these languages decrease, culture also changes accordingly.
how the culture will change, you should give one illustration of this
all the olden day literature and scripts
not "olden day," it should be "golden
Your conclusion, in my opinion, is not as good as the last one. It is because I was interested in your idea that the government should take action in preserving its local language, while promoting the global language English. However, the new conclusion is much clearer than the last one. So you may omit your idea of government is just fine.
Hope this help