Ielts - "successful in an egalitarian society or Capitalistic"

Please rate my Ielts essay for grammar, vocab, cohesion and complexity. It would be great if you can give an overall rating for 10

Topic :"Do you think people will be successful in an egalitarian society or in a society where people are allowed to succeed with merits?"

There are few people who believe that communist or egalitarian societies make people more successful. On the other hand, some others argue that, societies which recognize people based on merits will create a better environment to become successful.

In a capitalistic society, people are recognized by their merits. This kind of environment motivates people to perform better and encourages talent. It does not support lazy people forcing everyone to contribute to the society. On the other side, basic necessities like food, health and education differ based on merits creating a heterogeneous atmosphere. Rich people can afford better health and education to their children which would exponentially increase the gap between rich and poor.

The societies which treat everyone equally irrespective of their financial, mental or physical status are called egalitarian. This kind of environment will provide equal opportunities to both rich and poor. The basic human rights like right to health and education are freely available to everyone. As there is no difference in benefits for various kinds of jobs, people will choose jobs based on their interests. This would indirectly impact productivity of the nation. People will lead a happy and peaceful life as financial needs are taken care by the government. Although there are various advantages, people might feel monotonous life and might create an environment without competitive spirit.

There are pros and cons in both forms of societies, but I believe egalitarian societies protect basic rights of people and make them more successful and happy.

First, the essay contains only 248 words, less than 250. Be careful, no matter how well you can write, if you write less than 250 words your mark wouldn't be more than 5.5.

There are few people who believe that communist or egalitarian(do not use the prompt's words) societies make people more successful. On the other hand, some others argue that, societies which recognize people based on merits(another word used in the topic) will create a better environment to become successful. (an introduction must be started with a motivator, then a thesis is written and finally your opinion and blueprint)

There are pros and cons in both forms of societies, but I believe egalitarian societies protect basic rights of people and make them more successful and happy.-->WHY??

hope this helps
Cheers,
Ahmad