When possible, parents should sometimes have a trip to natural park on holiday with their children.

Because of the busy pace of modern life, many children spend most of their time indoors and have little exposure to the natural world. How important is it for children to learn to understand and appreciate nature?

In recent years, how children spend their time has changed because of technologically advanced tools such as computer and PlayStation. They are more likely to sit in front of screen playing games in their rooms rather than to go out with friends exploring the natural world. While I agree that children are keen on being indoors today, I firmly believe that it is important for them to explore and to understand the natural environment in order to appreciate it.

I would argue that children today intend to waste their leisure time in a room playing online games or surfing on the Internet as their parents provide all of the technology such as a set of computer and PlayStation. A study shows that more than 75% of children in Tokyo, Japan, prefer to stay at home playing the technological equipment. Although they are isolated in their rooms for a long time, they always can enjoy it because they think that playing the games has the same activity as traveling to the world.

On the other hand, children should visit some spectacular scenery over the world directly as the natural environment is absolutely different from what they see on the computer screens. For example, students in Al-Azhar school have a compulsory lesson to visit a natural garden such as an apple garden in Malang, West Java. As a result, they are able to learn and to understand all about apple deeply. They know how the apple looks like and what nutrition the apple has.

In conclusion, it is evident that although children prefer to spend time indoors playing games or browsing on the Internet, visiting the natural world is also essential so as to understand the environment in depth. Where possible, parents sometimes should have a trip to natural park on holiday with their children.

you need to put conclusion "as a result" which cover this paragraph or revers to main topic in the first sentence.

On the other hand, children should visit some spectacular scenery over the world directly as the natural environment is absolutely different from what they see on the computer screen.

this is in the same case as above (put conclusion from main topic)
this red bold means that; you have three verbs and one conjunction as noun clause)

overall, this is good essay. Good Luck brother! :)

In conclusion, it is evident that although children prefer to spend time indoors playing games or browsing on the Internet, visiting the natural world is also essential so as to understand the environment in depth. Where possible, parents sometimes should have a trip to the natural park on holiday with their children.

but anyways, you are not being asked for your opinion, be more vigilant next time!

-'children should visit some spectacular scenery over the world directly' is main sentence.
-as means 'because', the sentence need 'verb' after 'as'.
-what they see on the computer screen is noun clause.