The bar chart informs regarding the number of Bulgarian inhabitants wanting move to foreign countries based on three graduated categories: higher, secondary and primary education, measured in percentage between 2002 and 2008.Overall, it can be clearly seen that the number of people with secondary education who want to live in another country was the highest amongst level of education whereas the figure for primary and lower education experienced upward trend. On the other hand, the percentage of people having higher education had a gradual increase in the fourth first year of period before it dropped dramatically at the end of period.
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You want to discuss that this chart is gathering information about the educational level of Bulgarians who desired to move to foreign countries. Also, that these Bulgarians were categorized according to three different educational levels: higher, secondary, and primary and lower education. Discussing the measurement and dates is really good, because it gives the reader an idea of what you will discuss. However, I suggest you state the dates 2002, 2006, and 2008 since these were the only dates listed and you will refer to them throughout your paper.
In the second paragraph, there are just minor details that need to be changed. It seems like you want to join ideas in the first sentence. In order to do this, place a semicolon (;) after education and a comma after whereas. Please state the dates again in the second sentence. For example, the percentage of people who wanted to relocate had a higher percentage in 2006 and the percentage dropped drastically in 2008. Since there is only 3 dates listed, it would be an easier summary if you listed the dates.
In the third paragraph, you list the number for secondary education as 75% but I see 65%. The other numbers are correct and this is a strong sentence. Please revise this next sentence. Instead of starting the sentence with Then, you could start it with Although. Then you could eliminate even though. Now read the sentence again. You can also shorten this sentence at the end by replacing to finish with "and 59% in 2008". Your sentence will be more consistent.
In the fourth paragraph you will have to revise this first sentence. I don't know if you have to continue to state percentages. You could leave the percentage out and state that "during the three years that were studied," this could help you leave out the percent.You can state it how you would like to, but this is a suggestion I am going to make to make it easier to understand. The key is to help the reader be able to follow along with the chart and your summary. Otherwise, this is a good observation. Strong ending.
In 2002, the figure for people with secondary education stood at 75% look at clearly information, I see, it was 65%, which was 48% and 47% higher than for the number of higher and primary education respectivelywhat do you mean? I give you some edits, "where coming second and third were primary and lower education at 18% and primary school at 17%" . Then, even though the number of secondary education was still the highest, it saw a slight decrease in the following year, at 61% in 2006 to finish in 2008, at 59%. you should put particular attention with complex sentence , I see it was vague.
Overall, it is good point.
Thank for correcting my writing winda. However, I would like to clarify what you ask above.
The bar chart informs regarding the number of Bulgarian inhabitants wanting move to foreign countries based on three graduated categories: higher, secondary and primary education, measured --> This sentence is passive, " is measured' and where is the information about lower education?this is not passive sentence but it is reducing adjective clause which refer to "the number of Bulgarian inhabitants". in percentage between 2002 and 2008.
Overall, it can be clearly seen that the number of people with secondary education who want to live in another country was the highest amongst --> why do you use amongst? is that preposition like "among" or not?amongst and among are the same; preposition in sentence. Both are true if we use one of them in sentence. However, "amongst" tend to old-fashioned for some people whereas "among" is more common in British style. level of education whereas the figure for primary and lower education experienced upward trend. On the other hand, the percentage of people having higher education had --> it is better to use "saw, experienced, or witnessed" as a academic style"had" is formal verb like saw, experienced and witnessed. It also can be used in academic style. you can read my essay repeatedly. I use all of three verb which you mean. this is just choice to variety of "verb" only. a gradual increase in the fourth first year of period before it dropped dramatically at the end of period.
In 2002, the figure for people with secondary education stood at 75% look at clearly information, I see, it was 65%, yes, this is my flaw, I am so sorry which was 48% and 47% higher than for the number of higher and primary education respectively what do you mean?I mean that this is Adjective Clause which refer to 65% of secondary education, better for you to read your book (IELTS buddy) to get more explanationI give you some edits, "where coming second and third were primary and lower education at 18% and primary school at 17%".Here, you use wrong connector "where" (it is for explaining "place") Then, even though the number of secondary education was still the highest, it saw a slight decrease in the following year, at 61% in 2006 to finish in 2008, at 59%. you should put particular attention with complex sentence , I see it was vague. Yes, you may be true, but it is form of complex sentence. Check your grammar book again.
Moving to a more detailed analysis in my opinion, this sentences is suitable with advanced writing, I advise you for using simple word first.yes, you are true Mrs but I regret to say you if this is my lesson in beginner IELTS class and my teacher advice to use the sentence from the bar chart reveals that at 18% the percentage of primary and lower education had a similar pattern with the higher education over the next followingdo you know exactly what is difference between over the next four year? and over the next following four year? perhaps you can look for explaining it. four year. In addition, The chart also shows that the figure for primary education remained stable relatively at 19% in 2006 before it witnessed a dramatic rise in 2008, at 32%. In contrast, after the number of higher education rose slowly by 3% from 2002 to 2006, it fell over twofold in 2008, at 9%.
Generally, I am really happy with your suggestion and correction but you also have to improve your grammar. Let us to learn together.
Overall, it can be clearly be seen that the number (...) was the highest amongst other level of education, whereas the figure (...) education experienced an upward trend over ... period.
... a gradual increase in the fourth first year of the period before it dropped dramatically ...
