In many countries, schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?
A large number of education systems in some countries have to deal with a plenty of scholars' issues, such as the way they act. This thing happens because of the modernization of social life which presented on television and environment where they live. I would suggest that there are two methods to solve this problem which are consultation and providing some social punishments in school.
On my point of view, there are 2 triggers which occurs this case. Firstly, over a decade some broadcasts yield drama of teenagers or children life which is including their social life in school. However, these shows give too much visualization of modern and popular students which mislead learners who watch this show because in these programs, the students who are popular have bad behaviour. For example, Korean drama called as "The Heirs", this drama tells story about rich senior high school students who have problems in their social life. They always bully scholars who have lower status than them and fight with other students. In addition, this drama makes the trouble maker as a cool person. This sort of drama creates wrong perception that established students in reality act like the lead actor just for gaining popularity.
Then the neighbourhood where the students live and interact affect their character. If they live in uneducated environment, such as they live with people who smoke, use bad language or beat others, the scholar will also follow this kind of behaviour. There is a statement that children do whatever they see and hear because they are good copycat. They will feel that it is not a fault, if they are naughty because they have a supporting role in their environment. But, I strongly believe that this issue can still be tackled.
Undoubtedly, the best place to learn and improve knowledge of children is school. So I would give my advice to institutions for encouraging their scholars turning into polite person by using soft method like counselling. If there is a student who shows some problem attitudes in school, teacher especially the homeroom teacher has to take plenty of particular actions like try to communicate with the kid about what make them act like that or what problem that they have. I believe if the teachers give affection to their learners, the misbehaviour will be reducing.
But, if this method does not work, I think schools have to create a policy like social punishment which can handle the student behaviour. For example, if the student is still caught up smoke in school environment after the counselling program has been established, the student will be given punishment to clean their class in a period of time.
To sum up, I would suggest that beside schools, parents also have to take responsibility to teach and give better example of good attitude.
Dear Tiraatira11,
It is a pleasure to be working with you today. I do agree that students in school may misbehave because of the media and the environment they live in. Social media today plays a big role in people's lives. More and more kids want to be like the people advertised on TV. More and more activists like Malala Yousafsai and others who have fought for peace - are forgotten.
Your essay needs a better structure. Although I do see how you divided the essay into paragraphs, it seems a bit off. First, I would like you to build a better introduction. Better yet, write a stronger introductory sentence. Your first sentence in the whole paragraph is restating what the question says. Instead of repeating what they asked you, form your own thought, or try to change the words. Perhaps you can start with a quote. Just make it more personal and appealing to the reader.
After fixing your first paragraph, please combine these two sentences into one: ... This thing happens because of the modernization of social life which presented on television and environment where they live. I would suggest that there are two methods to solve this problem which are consultation and providing some social punishments in school. ... This is your thesis statement, but it's too long. You can cut half of the words to make one complete and coherent sentence. Remember, the reader will use the first sentences of each paragraph to them back to the thesis in your introduction. Make it easier for the reader. For example, your first sentence in the second paragraph does not tie back to the thesis. Please see these mistakes throughout your essay. Your third paragraph needs a better introductory sentence to tie it back to the thesis.
Your third and fourth paragraphs can be combined into one. Simply state in your introductory sentence the solutions to the problems - Tie it back to the thesis.
You also end with a weak conclusion. You do not conclude or sum up as you wrote, you introduced a new idea and solution. Here is the meaning of a conclusion: "Concluding. Paragraphs. Your conclusion is your opportunity to wrap up your essay in a tidy package and bring it home for your reader. It is a good idea to recapitulate what you said in your Thesis Statement in order to suggest to your reader that you have accomplished what you set out to accomplish."
I hope I was able to help. You are on the right track, but you need a better structure to make your essay more readable.
I will be here to help you further.
My best regards,
Juan Sebastian Rubio Lopez
"Live, Love, Learn."
