Helping the young generation be ready to face the globalization era is the task of education sector.

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subjects such as information and technology. To what extent do you agree?


Helping the young generation ready to face the globalization era is the task of education sector. Although there is opinion that both art and music should be deleted from curriculum in order to help the juvenile to focus on useful subjects, for example information and technology, I strongly object this opinion.

It is important for the students to focus on studying useful subjects (information and technology) and spend much time on it. Those will familiarize them to do solving problems. According to PISA, the 21st students are required to have good skill in solving problem and have critical thinking ability. Spending longer time in learning useful subject can develop their ability in facing the future education.

However, art and music subject should not be removed out from the curriculum. By studying art and music, students obtain well-developed motor skills. For instance, Law Street found that mostly students attending art class in the US gain their visual-spatial skills improved. Furthermore, many scientists in the US assumed that music can produce the long-lasting improvement in communication and listening of the young learners because, in fact, the pupils who play music for roughly 30 minutes each day have more developed brain. This means that art and music education are important for the young learners.

In conclusion, although more focusing and much time are required in learning the useful subjects, removing art and music is not the appropriate solution because it also benefits the children. Regarding to this, government and school should keep those subjects in curriculum.

Hi, Nelarizka. here my comments. check it, i may wrong. keep writing

It is important for the students to focus on studying useful subjects (information and technology)need to paraphrase instead of copy the words from the question and spend much time on it.

Those will familiarize them to do solving problems. this explanation was too short . thus do not well-inform the reader. besides that, it is not a clear explanation particularly what kind of solving problems or what kinds of problem

According to PISA, the 21st students [s]are required to have redundancy. --> require good skill in solving problem and have critical thinking ability .

Spending longer time in learning useful subject can develop their ability in facing the future education.

less related sentences between the explanation, example and conclusion

incomplete paragraph. this paragraph should emphasize the role/benefits of information and technology rather than art subject regarding to your agreement to the statement before you write the contradict/disagreement in the next paragraph.

However, art and music subject should not be removed out from the curriculum.

By studying art and music, students obtain well-developed motor skills ability.

For instance, Law Street found that mostly students WHO attending art class in the US gain their visual-spatial skills improved. Furthermore, many scientists in the US assumed that music can produce the long-lasting improvement in communication and listening ABILITY of the young learners because, in fact, the pupils who play music for ...

contradict statement between the explanation and the supporting theory/example. motor ability is more about physical proficiency while visual-spatial ability is about understanding of visual object