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TOEFL essay for rating - why attend University?


Joydoc 2 / 5 1  
May 16, 2016   #1
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

Education institutions play a key role in people's lives. Some students think attending the university provide them new experiences and increased knowledge. Although I understand their point of view, I have a different opinion. I believe students attend universities for career preparation because of few important reasons, which I will explore in my following essay.

To begin with, attending university helps students in career preparation because it provides them to focus on their goals. Career preparation is a process in which an individual can learn valuable things to reach their goals. For instance, in universities students are exposed to teachers, professors, tutors and career advisors. These professionals will mentor their trainee in the way they should go in order to select the right major. Therefore, pupil will be successful in focusing on the particular subject. Recent researchers found out that students who attend institutions were more mature and achieving their goals swiftly compared to the students not attending college at all. As you can see, exposure to colleges is the valuable asset for every student to reach their future goals.

In addition to that, career preparation is very essential because it helps to explore new areas. Generally speaking, learning is crucial for any person in order to be a successful man. For instance, in villages people will not be exposed to different kinds of people, races, and limited availability of resources to prepare for future. As a result, students develop insecurity and low self-esteem. On the other hand, pupil who attend college in bigger cities will be exposed to many cultures, diversities and people, so it will be easier for them to learn new cultures, languages and they were also exposed valuable resources helps them keep up to date in their studies. In other words, students will involve in many activities and will prepare better for their future. From my personal example, when I was a freshman, we used to have group discussions; these discussions helped me to accomplish my goals. All in all, learning new facts played a crucial role in the career preparation.

To sum up, while few students think going to university is to increase knowledge and new experience. I encourage every student to attend college for their career preparation because it allows them to focus on their future goal and explore the new facts.
JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
May 16, 2016   #2
Dear Tabitha,

It is a pleasure to be working with you today. Please see my insights below.

Your essay is very well written. However, I noticed that you used transition words in almost every sentence in your essay. You do not need to write introductory words in every sentence. These should only be used when changing ideas or making similarities. If a few sentences in a paragraph all point out to the same idea, then, you do not need to use an introductory phrase or word, simply jump to the point. I hope I am able to help with the betterment of your essay.

... students think attending thea university provides them with new experiences and increased knowledge. ... You contradict your point in the next sentence. In this sentence, you say that students think they will attain new experiences and increased knowledge. However, your next sentence says that you have a different opinion. Yet in your third paragraph, you are really proving new experiences that students get from attending college. So it just confuses the reader even more. Please revise your ideas, or delete this sentence completely.

... Although I understand their point of view ... which I will explore in my following essay. ... You need a thesis statement here. Your final paragraph is a thesis statement, and it should be placed here, not in the end of your paragraph. Please include the thesis here, as it will make it easier for the reader to follow the ideas in your essay.

... focus on their goals. Career preparation is a process in which an individual can learn valuable things to reach their goals.This sentence is the repetition of the previous sentence. ...

... in universities, students ...

... trainee in the way they should go in order to selectand direct them towards selecting the right ...

... Therefore, studentspupilThis word does not fit well with your essay. Please make your writing simple and easy to read. ...

... more mature and achievingachieved their goals swiftly compared to the students not attending college at all. As you can see, eE xposure to colleges is the ... Dive in to the point right away. Too many transition words in your paragraph.

... In addition to that, cC areer preparation is also very essential because it helps to explorewith exploring new areas. ...

... Generally speaking, learning is crucial for any person in order to be a successful man.This sentence is out of place. It does not fit with what you are trying to prove in this paragraph. ...

... For instance,inIn villages, people will not beare exposed to different kinds ...

... races, and have limited availability ...

... other hand, pupilthose who attend college in bigger cities will beare exposed ...

... diversities and people, so it will beis easier for them to learn new cultures,and languages. ...

... andthey wereThey are also exposed to valuable resources, which helps them keep up ...

... involve in many activities and will prepare better for their future.What activities? Please provide more details. ...

... learning new facts playedplays a crucial role in the career preparation. ...

... I encourage every student to attend college for their career preparation because it allows them to focus on their future goal and explore the new facts.This should be your thesis statement. Instead of writing the thesis here, write something valuable that will leave the reader impressed. Perhaps an opinion of your own. Leave the reader with a sense of awe. ...
OP Joydoc 2 / 5 1  
May 16, 2016   #3
Hi JuanSebastian,

Thank you so much for correcting my essay. I would like to write the Introduction again, could you please suggest. you are really helpful.

Modified introduction : ( I changed my second reason also)
Educational institution plays an important role in people's lives. Many students attend university for career preparation,increased knowledge and new experience. In my opinion students should attend university for career preparation because it helps them to focus on their goal and connect with many people.
OP Joydoc 2 / 5 1  
May 16, 2016   #4
Can you also give me an example for conclusion. Thanks
JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
May 17, 2016   #5
Dear Tabitha,

Can you please post the whole essay with the new revisions? It will help me draft a better introduction and conclusion.

Thanks.
AndrewT97 2 / 9 1  
May 21, 2016   #6
In the third paragraph, find another word for "diversities" as it probably should not be used as a noun.


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