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As contemporary music is becoming more popular, we tend to forget about traditional music. IELTS2


PribsHolic 1 / -  
Jul 5, 2016   #1
Hi All, I'm new in here and I really need a coach to assess my writing skill.

Topic: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

We frequently see some people with the earphone attached to their ear in many public places. Enjoying a melody while they're doing something else like reading a book, working on their task, even sleeping. It looks as if music has been becoming necessity to our life.

There are a wide range of reasons to enjoy music. For some people listening to music is able to relieve the stress they had. It is understandable in a more demanding and globalized world like now, we as a human are forced to work harder and done it in a way that is as efficient as possible. And listening to music is the simplest entertainment that we can have to ease our burden.

The other, and it might be prevailed to artists, is they use music to express their emotion. If they are in love they will write love-themed music, or they can write music to give critics to the government for what they had done, or maybe about humanity as well.

And If we want to take it further into a sophisticated science research, some scientists argue that music, particularly classical music, can enhance our brain function. At first, they believed one who can play instrumental music such as piano can improve their cognitive ability. But recent research showed, one doesn't need to be able to play a musical instrument to increase their ability, but simply just listen to classical music.

However, as contemporary music is becoming more popular, we tend to forget about traditional music. In this view I don't say that traditional music is more important than contemporary music, in my opinion there is no such thing that one is better than another in terms of music. But we shouldn't forget our traditional music as the identity of one country. Traditional music is a kind of our culture that we need to preserve it to the next generation.

Please give feedback to my answers. Thanks in advance
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 5, 2016   #2
Hi Andy, first os all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website credible as well as useful to your future projects. We strive to provide you with the most comprehensive and objective criticism to back you up with the necessary enhancements of your essay.

Having said that, please find the suggested modifications below;

- We frequently see some people with
- the earphones attached t
- It lookssounds as if music has
- been becominga necessity to our life.

- There areis a wide range
- relieve them from stress they had .
- ItThis is understandable
- possible. Andand listening to music
- to ease our burdenstress .

There you have it Andy, I hope the above corrections are useful and even more so, helpful towards your revision. Also, for future writing reference, avoid using the word "and at the beginning of your sentence. Go direct to the point, sometimes it's the best way to go specially when you are pertaining to an idea or opinion with direct relation to the topic or the task at hand.
Titus14 5 / 11 1  
Jul 6, 2016   #3
Hi Andy,
Your essay is quite neat as you elaborate many ideas of music.
However, I found your essay structure not very clear.
As far as I am concerned, I paraphrase the given statement and give my own opinion in the first paragraph, that is introduction.
In paragraph 2 and 3, you shall answer the 2 given questions, while the last one, rewrite your introduction in another words and that'll be your conclusion.

This is how I get band 7 :) I hope my suggestions would help.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 6, 2016   #4
Hi Andy, here's another leg of the modifications for your essay.

- And IfShould we want
- ButHowever, recent research showed,

- In this viewHaving said that,
- I don'tcan't say that traditional
- thing thatas one is
- better than anotherthe other in terms of music.,
- b ut we shouldn't
- is a kindpart of our culture
- that we need to preserve it tofor the next generation.

There you have it Andy, I hope this final suggestions, further enhance your essay. As mentioned, mind the flow of your ideas, it seemed as though the ideas are either redundant and sometimes, broken and this affects the overall outcome of the essay.


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