These days young people are less reliant on their parent's advice to make important life decisions.

I strongly agree that these days young people are more independent on their parent's advice to make important life decisions. In my opinion, young people have become less reliant on their parent's advice because of the two reasons: spending more time alone and access to internet platform.

Nowadays individualism has become more popular and many young people don't live with their family. They spend a lot of time alone. They read a book, play games, and study in the library. Especially in South Korea, many young people have few opportunities to talk with their family because they need to prepare university entrance exam or interview session to get a job. They tend to make their decision based on their own thoughts.

Internet access is one of the other reasons that young people don't listen to their parent's advice. There are almost no young people who are't familiar with internet. When they have any questions or doubts, it is very easy for them to search and get answers through internet. It just takes a few minutes to find advice because there are many unanimous volunteers on the internet who are willing to give their advice and opinions. Their advice and opinion have huge impact on young people's decision.

In conclusion, it is really common phenomenon that nowadays many young people are less reliant on their parent's advice to make important life descision. Young people tend to live alone and think alone because of their busy life and strengthened individualism. Moreover many young people can find advice from people through the internet.

In addition , it just takes a few minutes to find advice because ...

teenager young people

You can try more coherence and words.

Hi,

Here is my feedback:

I agree withe feedbacks above. The introductory paragraph can begin with rephrasing the topic and then you can mention your stance.

The body of the essay, second and third paragraphs can start with your reason and then you can elaborate on it. I do not see the conclusive end of second and third paragraph. Especially in South Korea, many young people have few opportunities to talk with their family because they need to prepare university entrance exam or interview session to get a job. They tend to make their decision based on their own thoughts. ----> Thus, by spending time alone and individual thoughts make young people......

Practice makes you perfect!
Hope this helps!!

Thanks

spending more time alone and accessing to internet platform.
who are'tnot familiar with internet.

I think It is better to avoid abbreviation in formal essay :)